


Whatever it takes

by haisepuff, speia



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Abuse, Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Porn, Arima needs hugs, Crossdressing, Forced Crossdressing, Forced Relationship, Haise is precious, Homophobia, I mean a LOT, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Matsuri is basically an asshole, Non-Consensual, Non-Consensual Kissing, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Harassment, So Wrong It's Right, Séquestration, Torture, must protect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-01 05:35:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 45,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8610724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haisepuff/pseuds/haisepuff, https://archiveofourown.org/users/speia/pseuds/speia
Summary: But he was beautiful with his round eyes and his make up. But he was cute in this pretty dress. But he liked it before the story began...





	1. Sasako

This wasn’t how they had planned their relationship, honestly. They just didn’t want to hide anymore, what was wrong with that? The idea per se wasn’t unpleasant either, Haise always liked to wear cute clothing. And going on a date with Arima, being by his side. It was nice. Haise liked being Sasako in those moments, he felt pretty, and seductive. He loved how Arima looked at him. He loved knowing he could hold his hand in a public place. It was only to lure the CCG at first, to make them believe Arima was actually with some _girl_. They believed it so easily, it was almost laughable. In a way, tricking their superiors was the fun part, but it was exciting too for Haise, being himself and yet someone else.

            This wasn’t how they planned for their relationship to be introduced to the Washuus. Of course the rumor of Arima’s cute girlfriend had spread so fast. Even faster when it turned out she looked like _somebody they knew_. Not that anybody could actually say exactly like whom Sasako looked like. One day they invited Arima for a dinner, something really official and formal, at the Washuu mansion, and told him to bring his girlfriend so they could finally meet the creature everyone was talking about. Arima knew deep within it wasn’t a great idea at all to expose Haise to such predators but he couldn’t really say no either. They were the Washuus, they had complete power over everybody in the CCG. Haise accepted with no hesitation though, when Arima told him about it. And he was very careful in his choice of clothing and make up. Haise was so classy in this black dress, with light make up and his blonde wig. He was pretty, so pretty Arima didn’t want the Washuus to see him like this. As if he had a choice to begin with… He just sighed.

 

***

 

            The Washuu mansion was an impressive building. Haise was uneasy just looking at it. When they were introduced, his heart started to beat faster. He hoped his acting would be good enough. He felt trapped but he couldn’t blame Kishou in any way. He knew what kind of men the Washuus were… If Arima came without his ‘girlfriend’, they’d be suspicious. They were led to some huge living room. Matsuri, Yoshitoki and even Tsuneyoshi were there. A shiver travelled along Haise’s spine when he met their cold gazes. _Acting, acting, acting._ He managed to put on his most radiant smile and bowed with grace.

 

“Good evening, I’m Sasako, pleased to meet you.”

 

“Sasako, eh?” Somebody spoke up, Haise wasn’t sure who but from the tone he assumed it was Matsuri. Who else could sound so disgusted… as if _he knew_?

 

“Arima-san…” and this sweet luring voice, Yoshitoki “I must say you have incredible good taste in women. She’s absolutely… charming.”

 

“S-Sir…” Haise played the embarrassment card “You honor me too much…”

 

Haise saw Yoshitoki smile when he rose up. Arima had barely said anything so far but he had his hand softly pressed on Haise’s back the entire time. _I am here, do not worry, you’re beautiful, you’re doing fine_ , it seemed to say.  

 

“This way, please.”

The old Tsuneyoshi escorted them to some adjacent room in which the table was dressed for dinner. Haise sat carefully. He was grateful he’d had some experience cross-dressing now and knew how to behave with the manners of a fine lady. But as soon as the conversation started, he felt uneasy. They were talking about him, well about _her_. They were making jokes… gross jokes, rude jokes… about her body, about her looks, about… everything. Haise tried to keep his smile on his face the best he could, this was for work. He started to eat and he was so focused on his acting he didn’t realize he was able to eat the food.

 

“Look at her…” Yoshitoki almost purred “She’s so… muscled, for a girl…”

 

He put a hand on her as he said so and Haise let escape a squeak. With his real voice. It sounded a bit low and realized it way too late. He cleared his throat but… they heard _him_.

 

“I… I like working out…” he said with his recovered higher pitched voice.

 

"Having some troubles?" Yoshitoki asked with a far too sweet tone.

 

"I-I've been a bit sick recently, my apologies" Haise gave a small head bow, but he knew he couldn't really trick those men. Not with such a lame excuse.

 

"Sasako always had a deep voice for a woman..." Arima started politely bringing his glasses up the bridge of his nose to gain some composure "But she knows I prefer this cute one, so she practiced a lot."

 

"Y... yes, I practice a lot so I can make him happy" he nodded quickly, worry spreading, invading his whole being.

 

He nodded his head too fast though and some of his hair was peeking from under the wig. It was barely visible, you had to pay close attention to see it actually, but all their eyes were on _Sasako_. Haise felt his own body shivering as their eyes seemed to pierce through him.

 

"Goodness, Sasako, watch out..." Arima spoke lightly as he reached a hand to touch Haise's hair, discreetly tucking the peeking hair under the wig again "You'll make your pretty hair a mess otherwise."

 

"S-sorry Arima-san, I'll be more careful." He peeked up at Arima, giving him a tiny smile, but his eyes still held worry, overwhelming worry.

 

"Are you okay? You look pale..." Arima tried as he saw the worry glare in Haise's eyes.

 

"Just feeling a little tired I suppose," he chuckled gently, trying to keep his composure.

 

He heard some mumbling coming from the others and only caught the words “tired of acting, I bet.” Haise’s heart skipped a beat. No, no, no, no! They couldn’t know, they couldn’t be aware of it. His acting was perfect, wasn’t it? But the way they looked at _Sasako_ made it very clear. They knew something wasn’t right with this _girl_. Arima was at a loss. He was seeing exactly where this was going but he couldn't just stand up and leave, that would only make things worse. He gave Haise another look, the boy was far from being okay, he could tell. If only he could get up, if only he could go home with Haise. No, wait... if only Haise could reveal his true identity without the risk of being judged and despised.

 

"You sure you're okay?" Arima tried again.

 

"I... I'd like some fresh air, if... if that's alright with them" he spoke politely, though he was afraid that his nerves were breaking through his composed speech.

 

"Hey easy, girl... easy…" Arima kept acting as he helped Haise stand, leading him to the open window "You know if you don't feel well I can just call you a cab."

 

"But this is important for your work, they wished to meet me," Haise was scared of leaving before the dinner was over. Who knows how they would treat Arima afterwards?

 

The Washuus looked at him, Matsuri eyeing them with a bit of a glare.

 

"I... just don't want you to wear out..." Arima added as he stroked Haise's cheek gently with the back of his fingers "Sorry if I'm being overprotective, sorry if this dinner is too much for you..." Haise wouldn't leave, Arima was well-aware of it, he was at loss... what could he do now?

 

"It's alright dear, just stay with me for a moment, I just need to catch my breath. May we have a brief moment of privacy? I'm sorry for the inconvenience."

 

Haise glanced at the others, flashing a small but tired smile. He hoped they would listen. They'd be suspicious of course, but he needed a few seconds to regain his composure, or think of something. Thankfully, they seemed to abide, giving a bow and excusing themselves from the room. Arima cupped Haise's face softly in his hand and leaned to give his lips a quick kiss. He pulled him into a close embrace so he would be sure nobody could hear his whispers.

 

“I don't know, what to do..." Arima's choice of words was still very careful, they were the Washuus after all, they were more powerful than anybody else "I don't know what to do to protect you" Yes, this was vague enough.

 

Haise let out a small breath, trying to relax for a moment. This was turning into a mess, such a mess. Haise was afraid it could become even worse any second.

 

"Arima-san..." He kept the voice up for a moment, hugging him close "I don't know…" He practically had to have his lips pressed to Arima’s ear, he managed to keep his voice so quiet.

"Should I....?" He didn't say too much, hoping the man would understand.

 

Being Sasako was fun, but he felt genuinely worried now that they were suspecting this persona to be fake. They'd figure it out the hard way if they wanted to, but Haise wasn't sure which would be worse. He really felt like crying. He only knew for sure that he wouldn’t be able to carry on with his acting if they kept looking at him like that. He could feel the danger in their eyes and it made him completely lose control of his act.

"I... I don't know..." Arima's voice was so low he could barely hear it himself "I... don't like the way Matsuri looks at you, and if he finds out..." Arima's body was trembling, "I shouldn't have said you were my girlfriend, honestly, we should have kept it secret, at least from them..." He hugged Haise even tighter "It's... it's your choice...tell them or not but... I'll support you no matter what you choose."

 

"It's not your fault Kishou..." Haise spoke with the same quietness, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, leaving a small mark from his lipstick "I thought it would be as easy as the other times..." He was petting Arima’s hair, and rubbing his back "I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up though... their looks... and the jokes... I'm sorry..." He hugged Arima closer "I think our game is over..."

 

"As you want, honey" Arima patted his head softly, playing with the wig locks "I'll be right behind you no matter what you choose, do what makes you comfortable…" Arima nuzzled Haise's wig tenderly "or at least in that case what makes you less uncomfortable I guess."

 

Haise tightened his arms around Arima a little, burying his face against his neck for a moment, breathing in his scent to calm down a little. He smiled softly. Arima held him close as well, pressing his nose to the wig. It wasn't nearly as soft as Haise’s hair. Not nearly as cute, really, but it looked good on him still.

 

"I love you...." Haise spoke gently, letting out a soft breath.

 

"I love you too..." He whispered back before letting go of Haise "We shouldn’t keep the gentlemen waiting" he spoke loud enough to be heard.

 

For gentlemen they were, for sure. Arima just hoped everything would be okay, he needed everything to be okay for the sake of Haise. He got up and opened the door to let the Washuus come in again and apologized deeply with a bow. Haise looked up after a moment. He really did feel a bit lightheaded.

 

"I am deeply sorry, sirs. I wasn't feeling very well but Arima-san reassured me that it was alright" He bowed as well, taking a deep breath.

 

"It is alright, I suppose. As long as you are alright, miss…" Those were Matsuri’s words of course.

 

His words sounded well mannered, but there was a hint of something darker in his tone. It scared Haise. He didn't have a choice though. He lowered his head again, filled with so much fear, preparing himself and clearing his mind.

 

"I am... truly sorry, sirs. But I must tell you the truth. I'm... I'm not Sasako..."

 

Haise dropped the voice, his hand moved up, well manicured and painted nails gripping at the hair of the blond wig. He tugged it off swiftly, his fluffy black and white hair revealed to them all.


	2. Skinny little thing like you

"Well... I can't say this is much of a surprise" Matsuri spoke again, except this time he didn't bother to hide the sarcasm of his tone "And you were almost good at playing this silly little game... First-class Sasaki..." Contempt pervaded his voice as he said his name.

 

Arima opened his mouth to protest but stopped at the last second. He took a deep breath, cleared his mind. An apology. Like Haise, he should say some sort of an apology. No outburst, no silly reaction. Just a formal apology. He bowed.

 

"I'm truly sorry, sirs. This... game, as you called it, is my doing only. Haise was reluctant but I told him it'd be safer this way. Please accept my deepest apologies"

 

Haise had shifted his gaze downwards, feeling ashamed of himself. And the tone in Matsuri's voice, the way he said his name… he was trying to be strong. But he couldn't help but feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He had to take a moment to gently wipe at them, messing up his makeup now would just make him look like more of a fool. For a fool he obviously was.

He was a fool to think hiding their relationship like this wouldn't end up badly. He felt bad, so terrible for all of this. The words spat at him weighed so heavy on his heart and mind. But then Arima spoke up.

 _It was my doing only_.

That was a lie, it surprised Haise. He glanced over at Arima, his eyes widening a little as he watched him apologize and take the blame.

 

"A... Arima-san..." He wasn't sure what to do again "We're both sorry." He finally managed, bowing his head again "We should not have tried to hide our relationship, it was a foolish idea."

 

"I... see..." were the only words Matsuri spoke. No acceptance, nothing. Neither Arima nor Haise could have told if he accepted their apologies. Arima was sure he hadn't. The glare in his eyes was enough to tell them that.

"Seriously, Arima... I never thought you could have such a foolish idea. Just imagine if you were discovered. Our best agent... being a queer with the half-ghoul. Really, did you think that was a good idea?"

 

Haise couldn't keep it to himself, really. He started to sob grossly. Why... Just why... couldn’t he just be happy, just a bit? Why did he have to receive hate for being what he was? Haise let out a sob, not a pretty one either, his hands came up to wipe at his face. He cride brokenly into his palms as Matsuri's words echoed in his head. The makeup he spent ages on was surely ruined. He had never felt more ashamed.

It was a pathetic sight, and Haise couldn’t control his tears.

Matsuri had made it sound like what they had was such a bad thing. They had been happy together, what was wrong with that? Did they not allow him any freedom of self at all? How much did they take from him, how much did they berate him and make him feel like nothing for who he was? It made Haise angry, but he couldn't stop crying against his hands.

His face was a mess for sure, he was so scared to look up, partially because of the laughs he'd surely get, and the looks given to them. Haise felt like nothing because of this man. But it was true. He was just the half-ghoul that should be disposed of anyways. He couldn't stop the thoughts from crawling into his mind. The dark spread like a plague.

When he dared to peek at Arima a few moments later, he could see that the man’s lip was trembling and his hands were shaking. He was scared too. Arima stood frozen. Those words... Those very words he was hearing. Awful words tearing him from inside.

 

"Sir... you... may not..."Arima's voice had lost all it’s composure and he was now looking at Masturi with cold eyes, as if he were about to kill him in the following second.

"You may not... say such things about us... We just tried..." His voice was angry, but he couldn't forgive him for what he had done, he couldn't forgive him for having hurt the one person he cared about.

"We just tried to keep it hidden... for the CCG... for your consideration... We just tried, sir. And it was my idea, not Haise's. If somebody were to blame, it'd be me." His fingers curled into a fist and he was fighting the urge to throw this fist right at Matsuri.

"If someone failed, it's me, not Haise... Don't be so harsh on him when it's my fault... I'm sorry, sir... but your best agent failed!"

 

Arima was taking the blame again, and it made Haise want to cry even more. He was so pitiful, letting his lover get beaten down for what wasn't all his fault. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair, not at all. He couldn't stand it any longer. He wouldn't stand by sobbing as Arima got all the hurtful words thrown at him. How could he be so useless?

 

"Sir." Haise spoke up through his shaking voice, trying to be serious. He couldn't let Kishou do this alone.

"With all do respect sir...no. That doesn't matter." His voice had gotten dark, his gaze remaining on the floor for a moment before he wiped at his face with his hands. He shot a look of disgust at Matsuri, a coldness in his kind eyes that wasn't normally there.

"You. You have no right to tell us... what we feel in our hearts to be right... you have no right to tell us we are wrong!" Haise spat his words, holding his hand to his chest for a moment before he threw it back just behind him, fist clenched.

"We have nothing! I'm a half-ghoul as you say, a monster with no place. I shouldn't even be here, you want to get rid of me, I know you do. You couldn't care any less about either of our well beings." He took a step forwards, he didn't think he'd be able to control himself.

"You have no right to treat Kishou as some sort of object, he has emotions, he has needs! We all do... I think... if you can't see that, then you’re the real monsters." Haise realized he'd probably regret stepping out of line, but he couldn't stand idly by anymore.

 

"Really?" Masturi smiled at him, and his smile really wasn't something pleasant to see.

"You think that I've got no... rights? That I shouldn't tell you such... things? First class Sasaki..." he said his name more like he was spitting it at his face.

"I've more than got rights, I don't think you really understand who allows you to stay here, amongst us... To remain... alive" he emphasized the word on purpose.

"I've got more than rights over you, you should be more careful... before calling me a monster...” He took a step forwards, Haise knew he should move, back off, do something, not let the man get to close, but his words, his words... his words just froze him on the spot and his feet couldn't move.

"You're here because I allow you to... because we allow you to live. You should show us some respect, Sasaki... If I haven't disposed of you yet it's only because you still might be of some use to us... to the CCG..." he took another step forward "To me."

 

Haise was scared, he was terrified. He couldn't move, frozen stiff. Did... did they really have that much control over him? Haise didn't want to believe it. He wanted to run away from this man, everything about him was frightening at this moment. But Haise couldn't move, he just stood there, fists clenched with his whole body shaking as he stared with widened eyes as Matsuri stepped closer. And closer. His heart was beating fast, and his mind was not a safe place right now.

They could kill him at any moment, any second. They could kill him right now, with no warning. Haise thought about how his life could end in the blink of an eye. And he felt tears rolling down his cheeks again. He couldn't even blink them away.

Haise wanted to run. _Arima..._ he wanted to run with Arima. To get them both somewhere safe. He knew they could do awful things to both of them if they disobeyed even more, but that didn't seem to stop Haise’s body from finally moving, on its own. His mind was yelling at him to stop, but he couldn't, and his fist collided with Matsuri's jaw.


	3. Prouder in dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is hella long wtf

"Haise!" Arima yelled in surprise and fear. Did he just... no, this couldn't be, this couldn't. He couldn't tell how but the second after Haise’s fist connected, he was standing between him and Matsuri, holding the boy firmly in his arms.

"Haise, you don't wanna do this, you don't wanna fight with him, Haise, fuck no, Haise..." he could barely recognize the person he was holding. His face was contorted by rage, tears were still running down his cheeks, and his make-up was such a mess he looked like some sad clown. 

 

"Kishou, Kishou move aside! Move away! I'm gonna end this son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill them all...they can’t treat us like scum..treat everyone like that," Haise shouted as his kakugan flared up, and his kagune started to tear his fine clothing up. "Kishou, please get the fuck off me!"

 

"Haise, stop!" Arima's voice was pleading. Really he wished he never let the Washuus see him like that. But Haise was... losing control. If he went on like this Haise was about to give them the very excuse they needed. If Haise attacked him as a ghoul, killing him would be seen as legitimate.

"Haise they'll kill you... Stop... You can't fight them... Haise! You can't die! I-I can’t lose you..!" He was so desperate. If the Washuus still had some respect for him, now it was all over. "Haise, please!"

 

"Well, well, well..." Masturi said as he massaged his jaw, a grin on his face "This is an interesting turn of events, Haise Sasaki…"

 

Haise struggled in Arima’s tight embrace. He couldn't control himself, and he hated it. He really felf like the monster they said he was.

 

"I can't... I can't... stand by..." His breathing was ragged as he stared at Matsuri, his kakugan flaring. He knew this was a bad idea. His head felt like it was being split in two. _Arima... Arima..._ He didn't want to die. Arima’s words struck him hard, but he still wanted to fight.

"If I fight...him as a ghoul, I'll get killed..." He muttered, as he slowly stopped struggling in his lover’s frightened hold.

"I'll get killed, killed, I'll die!" He wanted to fight them, tear their throats out and pull them apart! They'd been so horrible to him and Arima, he couldn't take it.

"If I get killed as a ghoul... I'll fight him as a human!" He grunted as he forced his kakugan and kagune to recede. He thought he’d be on equal grounds as a human.

"He hurt you...." Haise mumbled to Arima, the tears dripping off his chin as his hands gripped at Arima’s shirt. "I can't stand by..." He let out a broken cry.

"I'll fight them as a human, they can't kill me... I'm stronger than they think. We can... we can do it, can't we?" He sounded so broken, eyes still wide with tears.

 

"Haise, let go... please just, just forget about it... this is a fight you can't win." it killed Arima to say those words but they were the truth, Haise didn't know who the Washuus really were, he didn't know what was hidden behind this so well-organized structure called the CCG. And he couldn't explain it to him, not when those very men were here in the same room as them.

"Let go... Haise, just let him talk. He said horrible things, I know, but he never... he actually never said they don't want us to be together... Haise, they didn't actually forbid us to be together... They just..." Arima took a deep breath as he tried to explain.

"Haise, please settle down..."

 

"So you noticed, huh?" Matsuri spoke mockingly. "You noticed I never said you must end your relationship. You noticed I just said you two were... acting gross..."

 

"You...!" Haise started to see red again.

 

"Haise no! He's doing it on purpose. He wants you to fight him! As a ghoul or as human he doesn't care. Haise, enough! You're better than that!” Arima was shouting now.

 

"Kishou... let me go... let me... let me..." Haise's voice was trembling with anger.

 

Arima held Haise tightly in his arms again, scared for both of their lives. He really felt like crying as well, seeing Haise like this broke his heart, but he needed to help him come back to reality.

"Haise, please stop!" He was so desperate and yet, he didn't know what to do. He held the boy to his chest, holding his head where his heart was.

"Please Haise, it isn't worth it. They're doing it all on purpose, just... just forget it all... please Haise." He held Haise still, despite his struggling.

 

"Kishou, let me go... I'll kill them... I-I'll do it, I swear I won't let them live. I need. I need to protect you...everyone like you too,"

 

Haise was growing tired, really. But he didn't want to just drop it. He couldn't. Not after... not after all they said and did. They might not have forbidden the relationship, but it still hurt. They were so awful to Arima... His train of thought was interrupted as he felt Arima’s hands cup his cheeks, a bit firmly.

 

"Haise, look at me." Arimas voice was shaking. There were tears in his eyes. Arima was going to cry. He stared at the man he loved, eyes focusing on him for a moment.

 

"How pitiful." Matsuri scoffed, watching the two.

It made Haise want to yell and fight all over again, every time that man opened his mouth.

 

"Listen to me Haise, not them." Arima turned his face again, looking him in the eyes.

"I love you.. Haise, I wouldn't be able to live if I lost you. You can't die here. Think about the bakery you wanted to open, or the bookstore you wished to run." He held his hands over Haise’s ears gently, hoping to get him to focus.

 

“Kishou..." Haise couldn't do it anymore. He... He was tired, really tired. His mind grew foggy and everything felt like a dream. "Kishou..." he gripped on the man's clothing erratically. "Kishou... no more..."

 

"It's okay, Haise, it's okay. You don't have to fight. We'll be okay. We're okay," Arima whispered in his ear as he felt the boy relax. Right, he was still on suppressants and underfed, after such an outburst of rage when his kagune was summoned even for a short time, Haise would obviously feel exhausted.

"Rest, Haise. Everything's fine..."

 

"It's not... it's not..." Haise could see Matsuri's glare behind Arima's shoulder "it's not okay..." But his body was heavy and difficult to move "I... need to eat..."

 

"Running a bakery and bookstore? Ha, you think you have a future outside of CCG? How cute..."

 

"Sir..." Arima spat "Isn't that enough? Don't you think we understand how much you despise us? How much you despise him?" His voice stammered a bit but was still filled with lethal intentions.

"Haise is too tired to fight now and I'm not a fool either, I know I can't just fight you and leave." He settled Haise in his arms as he felt the boy relax even more, unaware of his surroundings. 

"So, sirs, what is it you actually want from us? Did you make us come all this way only to tear Haise apart? If so, I guess we're allowed to leave now."

 

Haise couldn't even think anymore, couldn't stand, his body felt like liquid suddenly, and his body collapsed in Kishou’s arms, tears dripping off his chin.

 

"I'm...I..." He couldn't do it. He felt like he was falling into an abyss, this feeling hit him so hard. He really was weak to them after all.

 

Haise felt like he had been shot with a tranquilizer, and honestly, he wouldn't have been surprised if that had been true. His face pressed against Arima’s shirt and he could feel his eyes start to lose focus. But before he was out cold completely, he felt Arima lift him into his arms, holding him up, and holding him close. He wanted to be strong for him dammit, why did this have to happen.

 

"Haise... rest. Take it easy, I won't let anything happen." Arima held him tightly in his arms, keeping him up. The CCG had drained this poor boy of all his life already, they were the reason he didn't have any energy in the first place.

"Don't listen to what they say, it's okay. I'll help you open those stores, we'll find a nice place to live," Arima spoke softly, trying to help Haise think of something positive, even if he was already losing consciousness. He wanted to leave this place already.

 

"Actually, Arima-san..." Yoshitoki started to speak as he stood from the table. All of Arima's body tensed. What now? Was Matsuri's attack not enough for today? Couldn't they just go?

"Don't look at us like that, we've made you come here for one reason in the end.”

 

"Yeah?" Arima didn't bother to be polite at this point, not after what they did to Haise. "And what is that?"

 

"Actually..." Yoshitoki's voice was so calm and composed it was disturbing. "We might need Haise, for a mission, since he seems rather skilled in dressing up."

 

"Are you serious?" Arima spoke between clenched teeth. "You expect me to allow that, after what happened?"

 

"Arima-san..." Yoshitoki put a hand on his shoulder as he stood by now, his presence was so deadly it was enough to make him shiver. "It's not a request. It's an order."

 

Arima's heart almost stopped at the words he heard. It had been years since the last time he actually felt fear, true fear. This was dangerous, he had a bad feeling about this so-called mission. Haise would just be their bait and they'd probably let him die... or worse. Arima didn't really want to imagine any of it. 

 

"Arima-san, do you understand?"

 

"I..I understand."

 

"Lend us Haise, then."

 

"No. I won't let you near him until the mission starts, do you hear me?"

 

"Arima-san..." Yoshitoki's voice was so sweetly dangerous.

 

"Let him be," Matsuri spat. "Let them have their dreams of bookstores and bakeries before the mission starts. It'll be good for Sasaki's morale. He'll do better work if he's fed on stupid dreams."

 

_You watch me_ , Arima thought, _I'll take him away and we'll never come back. I won't let them hurt you, Haise._

Arima didn't know how he would get Haise and himself out of here safely, and away from the CCG entirely. Would he even be able to use any of the money the CCG granted him if he quit, or just ran away? They'd target them for sure, track them down and kill them both. But he... he couldn't bare to imagine Haise being used for such a dangerous mission.

Arima wanted Haise to live happily, not like this. They'd hurt him so badly, they'd scared the living daylights out of Haise. And for what? Just because they despised that he was a ghoul? Arima was fed up with this whole company, their lies, their manipulative ways... all of it. He was still unsure though... how exactly to get away? _Dammit!_ he thought, gritting his teeth and adjusting Haise in his arms. _If worse comes to worse, maybe I can escort him on the mission... keep him safe_. Arima was getting a splitting headache from all of this, and he still felt like crying honestly. He was brought out of his thoughts again with a hard pat on his shoulder.

 

"We look forward to having his assistance." Yoshitoki nodded, the calm but menacing look in his eyes still there.

 

"You can count on me..." Arima said more by automatism than anything.

 

He regretted speaking those words but it was probably the safest option at the moment. He couldn't run away. Not now, they were obviously expecting them to to do so. And if Matsuri allowed him to keep Haise by his side, then he was confident enough in their abilities to catch them if they were to run.

 

"That's good, Arima-san. Very good." Yoshitoki's voice was enough to make him tremble but he held Haise closer as he tried to head for the exit. He was surprised nobody stopped him when he put his hand on the knob.

"We'll communicate with you about the details of the mission later then, Arima-san."

 

"Alright."

 

Arima stepped out and slammed the door behind him without even saying goodbye. He gathered his last strengths to get into his car and settled Haise peacefully on the rear seat. He sat at the driver seat but before he could start the engine he took in a shaky breath, tears escaping his eyes.

 

“Fuck!" he shouted "They... Just..goddammit!"

 

Arima slammed his fist against the steering wheel, barely just missing the horn. This wasn't supposed to happen.

 

"They just... They... Fuck!" Arima couldn't find the words to say that would express how angry, and how truly scared he was.

"They're using us... using you..." he choked back a cry, "They don't care what happens!" he held onto the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip. Tears fell onto the plastic, rolling down and dripping onto his pant legs as he continued to cry helplessly. He knew the Washuus were monsters, but this was taking things too far....

"I'm so... I'm so sorry for getting you into this mess, Haise..." he wiped at his face with the sleeves of his coat, sniffling some. He heard the soft ruffle of fabric coming from the back, and a small grunt from Haise. Arima was terrified of what would happen to him.

"Kish...ou..." Haise sounded like he was almost sleeping still, "D... on't be sad... Kishou..."

 

Arima looked back at Haise. He seemed to be asleep despite the noticeable frown on his face. The Washuus... even in his dreams... couldn't they just leave him alone? Couldn't just leave them be? Why did the Washuus even need Haise to begin with? They were ghouls themselves! Besides, they could use anyone...why him.. It was a trick, an obvious trap and there was no escape. 

 

"I'm sorry, Haise..." Arima whispered as he started the engine and began to drive carefully, though his eyesight was still blurred by his tears.

"Haise, I'm so sorry..." he kept repeating, more for himself than for the boy.

 

When they reached the chateau, everything was so awkwardly silent. Arima glanced at his watch. Of course, it was pretty late already. All that fuss took a lot of their precious time. Arima thought the chateau would be better than his flat anyway. With the kids around there would be no room to think about how dangerous the situation was. It'd keep Haise's mind busy. And him... well he'd figure out the best way possible.

He carried Haise gently through the house to his bed, undid his clothing all dirtied with make up, and torn by his kagune. _Haise… It’ll be difficult for you to dress like that from now on, I guess. That’s a shame. But you look nice in anything.._


	4. You wake up in an ice cold sweat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT /!\  
> I'm going on a hiatus for the two maybe three following weeks, because of Xmas and New Eve with my family, stay safe everyone <33

Haise couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating. He tried to take in some air in but his lungs felt like they were burning. His body was cold though, he couldn’t understand. Was he drowning? He couldn’t feel any water around him, he was just floating...in some empty space. And suffocating, suffocating, suffocating. So suffocating…

Hands were touching him, holding him still, he couldn’t move. He tried to shout Arima’s name but no sound left his throat. Everything was wrong, so wrong… He felt trapped. Those hands were burning his cold skin, he was sure he’d have marks.  _Help me!_ He wanted to cry but even this he couldn’t do. _Help me! Save me! Save me!_ He shook his head, senseless. No. Nobody would save him, he was alone, so alone.

_Kill me! Kill me!_  This wasn’t allowed either, was it?

 

“If I haven't disposed of you yet it's only because you still might be of some use to us... to the CCG… To me."

 

This voice, those words… Haise felt like… like… like… Overwhelming panic rushed through his veins and he wished he could die. It was unbearable. It hurt. So Haise yelled. And yelled. And yelled.

 

***

 

“Haise! Haise! Wake up!”

 

When Haise came back to his senses, Arima was staring into his eyes, cupping his face firmly, visibly concerned. A nightmare. Again. That happened too often these days. That happened too much since _that night_ , to tell the truth. Haise realized he was trembling and covered in cold sweat. He looked down.

 

“S-sorry…” he mumbled.

Haise was still shaking. He felt cold, and hot, and so unpleasant. Those nightmares were getting worse. He couldn't even think about Matsuri or the Washuu without feeling uncomfortable.

 

"K-Kishou..." He looked up at Arima tiredly, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm... I'm sorry..." He wiped at his eyes, sniffling softly. "It was only a dream... I'm okay..."

 

Arima caressed his cheek gently, giving his forehead a small kiss.

 

"That's right... you're okay."

 

Arima pulled him closer. It seemed to grow worse every day. Maybe because the details of this so-called mission were soon to be delivered. Arima didn't have nightmares on his part, but he wasn't sleeping well. And he couldn't stay alone. He hadn't returned to his flat since then, he wanted to keep an eye on Haise. And regarding how hard it was for the boy, returning to his place was out of the question. Now they knew anyways, so he didn't really care about being discovered anymore.

 

"Tell me about it, Haise..." Arima rubbed his back softly "Don't keep that to yourself..."

 

"I... I don't really want to talk about it... It's always the same dream anyway..." Haise softly whispered as he nestled himself against Arima's chest.

 

"Again?"

 

Haise nodded. Again. The same dream, again! Arima was so angry at the CCG, so angry at Matsuri... Lucky him it was his day off so he wouldn't have to fight the urge to kill him all day. His grip tightened as his rage grequires within him.

 

"Kishou... Kishou, it hurts..." Haise complained quietly.

 

Quickly, Arima loosened his hold on his lover, letting out a sigh.

 

"I-I'm sorry..." He gace a kiss to Haise’s hair gently. "I'm so sorry..." He was trembling a little bit, trying to push away the thoughts of anger. He needed to be there for Haise, not lost in rage.

 

"It's okay... I know, I know you’re just upset." Haise let out a soft yawn, sitting up and wrapping his arms around Arima’s neck loosely. "Don't worry about it, it's alright." He pressed a kiss to the mans cheek, shifting so that he was sitting on his lap.

 

Arima answered just by a mumble, slowly rubbing Haise's back. Of course he was worried. His stress increased everyday. And still no news of the mission. Arima never told Haise about it, he needed some time to recover. The boy was already traumatized enough, he didn't need to know about it yet.

There hadn’t been any news of it yet anyways. Maybe there never would be any. Maybe it was just a way to keep them around. Besides, Haise couldn't flee like this, not with the kids, just leaving everything would be... wrong. The Quinx had always been nice to the both of them.

 

"Haise?" Arima almost purred softly, "What about you cook something for the kids and me? I could help if you’d like."

Arima wanted him to keep his mind busy, he could easily tell Haise was replaying the nightmare on repeat in his head right now. There was no use for it. Haise had suffered enough already.

Haise let out a soft hum, trying to stop himself from thinking about the dream, trying to distract himself.

 

"Cook... hmm, what would you like, sweetie?" Haise purred by his ear in return, adjusting himself on his lap. "I'll make anything for you," he kissed Arima’s cheek again, trailing little kisses to his ear until he was nipping at the lobe gently.

 

"H-Haise…" Arima let out a small gasp, feeling his teeth at his ear. "I... I don't know, I don't eat much, you know that... what would the kids want?"

 

"Some cake, perhaps? Kids love cakes... and so do you, Kishou" Haise tried a smile as he poked gently Arima's nose before getting up and stretching. "Well, let's go..."

 

Haise’s voice was trembling a bit when he said so, but he managed a smile and went to the kitchen all the same. He put on an apron and started to cook.

It didn’t go as smoothly as usual, Haise fumbled with the ingredients, got too much flour, not enough eggs, mistook salt for sugar.

 

"I can't..." he murmured under his breath, hands resting on the counter "Kishou, I just can't... focus..."

 

"It's fine," Arima loosely wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, tucking his nose to his neck, "You're tired, of course you can't focus. Do you want to lie down for a few minutes?"

 

"N-no, I don't want to sleep... I'll have that dream, again."

 

"It's alright, you don't have to sleep, Haise" Arima held him from behind, kissing his cheek softly. "You're okay..." He tried to be reassuring, nuzzling his neck.

"Just take it easy, relax a little. I know... you can't stop thinking about it, but we can't let this rule our lives. You have a family to look after, and we have to stay strong..." Arima closed his eyes and sighed softly.

"But, you're home, Haise, you're safe here. I'm here, it's okay." he rubbed his shoulders gently, hands trailing to his stomach lightly, poking it softly.

"I love you," he smiled softly as he gave his stomach another soft poke in an attempt to tickle him.

 

"I'm sorry, Kishou..." Haise whispered "I know it's over now, why do I still feel so bad about it? It's been days now... I should move on, right?"

 

"Haise..." Arima caught the half-ghoul's hands in his "It was a violent and traumatizing experience. You see him at work almost every day too, of course it takes time. But it's okay. Because you're home and you're safe. And I'm going to protect you."

 

"Kishou..."

 

They stood still for a second and Haise raised a hand to run his fingers through Arima's hair.

He tilted Haise's head gently to give his lips a kiss. The soft exchange they held was interrupted though, when he heard a phone ring somewhere. Arima recognized the ringtone; it was his cell. However, it was his day off so he chose not to pay attention.

The ringtone stopped quickly though, and few second after they heard Mutsuki cough shyly. They parted and moved away from each other, a bit embarrassed. 

 

"Ahem... Arima-san, sorry to bother but I heard the phone... and when I saw the caller ID I just answered and..."

 

"It's fine, Mutuski. What is it about?"

 

"It's..." The boy handed the cell to Arima "It's Washuu Yoshitoki... He says it's urgent..."

 

***

 

Haise tensed up when he heard the name Mutsuki spoke. Of course... right as they were thinking it was all over... Haise let out a sigh, closing his eyes and trying to keep himself calm.

 

"What now…?" He spoke quietly to himself.

After a moment, Haise glanced back at Mutsuki, who seemed a little concerned.

"Thank you..." he tried to smile, but he just looked exhausted. Yoshitoki was surely calling to give them a hard time in some way again. Why couldn't they just catch a break... all they wanted was to live peacefully.

"Mutsuki, I'll bring you and the others some breakfast soon, can you go let the others know?" Haise managed a faint smile.

 

Arima took the phone and moved into another room to be quiet. At Haise's words, Mutsuki gave him a concerned nod and left to tell the others breakfast would be ready soon. Haise wanted to check on Arima, but he wasn't sure he could handle the phone conversation. Of course he would only hear Arima’s end, so his imagination would run wild and... he shook his head.

 

"Pancakes, Haise..." Haise whispered to himself "It's easy to do..."

 

He started to bake as he heard scraps of their conversation.

 

"Sir... it's too early... this needs preparation... I need to talk to my squad... all do respect, sir, I... well... could you just, please, listen to me?"

 

It didn’t sound like it was going very well, Haise thought as he started to fry the pancakes. A knot formed in his stomach and he suddenly felt nauseous. He was sure it wasn't because of the smell from the food, though...

 

"We don't have time for this, sir... Wait a second... I refuse, it's too dangerous... no way! What?" There was an awkward silence before he heard Arima yell "Are you fucking kidding me, sir?"

 

Haise placed his hands on the edge of the counter, his breathing a bit heavy as he felt the nausea worsen, overhearing the conversation. He closed his eyes, holding his hand to his chest, fingers grasping at his shirt.

_Calm down, Haise, calm down…_ He felt so lightheaded all of a sudden. What was their conversation about? What was happening... Arima didn't sound happy, and things surely weren't going in his favour. His mind kept jumping to the worst things.

_They're going to kill me_ , he thought. Quickly, Haise shook his head. He had to stop thinking so negatively. But when he heard Arima yell, his heart rate increased again, and he felt almost as if he were about to pass out. Something bad was happening.

 

"Haise, what are you doing? Your food's burning!" Arima shouted.

 

"Huh...Ah!" Haise hadn’t even realized he’d spaced out, and he blinked a few times. Just barely, he managed not to waste the second breakfast he had to make, a sigh escaping his lips.

_It's okay, Haise..._ he told himself, inhaling deeply. _Kishou won't let them kill you..._ Inhale... exhale... Inhale... _He'll protect you._ Exhale... _They can't hurt you._

"Kids, breakfast's ready!" he called but his voice was still trembling.

 

By the time they arrived, he caught other pieces.

 

"He's not... No! I said no! You were there too, you saw how he en... no, no, Haise is not going there... How come I've got no say in this? I'm responsible for him!... What? You did that? Without my approval?... Of course I was going to say no!"

 

Mutsuki, Shirazu, Saiko and Urie all gathered around the kitchen table and bEgan to eat their overcooked breakfast, nor making any remark as a quiet, awkward atmosphere fell over the room, loud talking and angry yelling being heard almost through the house now.

Arima didn't even bother to be discreet anymore, or perhaps he couldn't. His voice sounded both angry and panicked.

 

"I won't negotiate, you count me in. You heard me, you count me in!... No way I'd leave Haise alone with someone who wants him back in Cochlea. Well... If you don't count me in I'll send out a raid to trash your infiltration... Yes, I would... Oh!... so now, we have a deal?"

 

Haise was shaking, his ears picking up the bits of Arima’s conversation. If he could hear him, he was sure Saiko and Shirazu could as well. But he pretended to ignore it.

 

"I-I hope it's alright... I was a little distracted this morning," Haise gave a nervous laugh as he sat at the table with them. He leant on the edge of it, sipping on the coffee he’d made himself, but his hands were visibly shaking.

 

"Sassan, are you okay?" Shirazu spoke up worriedly after taking a bite of his pancake. He could tell something wasn't right.

 

"I... I’ll be alright. Don't worry about me!" He tried to smile, but he was scared.

 

"Sasaki-san..." Mutsuki's voice was shaking a bit as well, "You... You know you can talk to us, we're family!"

 

"Yesh, Mama! Fhamily!" Saiko added, her mouth full of pancakes.

 

Yes, talk to them and say what? The truth? The pitiful truth? That he had been trashed by the CCG for who he was? That Arima was fighting for him when he wasn't able to do anything anymore? That he wore dresses and make up for fun and the Washuus found out? That Matsuri looked at him with such eyes... No way, this wasn't something you could tell your children. He just smiled.

 

"We... we're on a very difficult case and it had unsettled things in me..." Haise really was a bad liar but none of his kids said anything, understanding that it was something Haise couldn’t bring himself to speak of.

 

They finished eating in silence. It was obviously overcooked but they still ate everything up, giving a thank you for the food.

They all left the kitchen nervously after, and Haise decided to try and wash the dishes to keep his mind busy.

He noticed Arima was back only when he felt the man's arms around his waist, he felt his head against his shoulder, the wetness of his tears... Haise opened his mouth to speak but Arima spoke faster.

 

"I'm sorry..."


	5. I think I'm gonna pray for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hiatus starts this week (: happy holidays everyone

"Kishou..." Haise rinsed off the dish he had been washing before turning off the tap. He took a deep breath, wondering if he even wanted to know.

"What... what happened?" He placed his hands on Arima’s gently once he dried them off. He was already doing pretty bad, he didn’t need more shit news to be added to this.

"What did they tell you...?" He didn't voice his other thoughts, taking a deep breath again.

Haise turned around in Arima’s arms.

"Kishou... we'll get through this together, whatever it is." He cupped his cheeks gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

 

"Haise..." Arima took a step backwards and looked at Haise up and down, up and down, up and down. Just thinking of it... Arima clenched his teeth. Why did this have to happen? This was basically just an excuse to torture them, right? 

 

"Wh-what is it, Kishou?" Haise felt like crying... _Don't look at me like that... Please don't look at me like it's the last time... Please, don't..._  

 

"You are... we are... going on a mission... and it's a bit... let's say unusual." Arima looked down and took a deep breath "Please, Haise you need to know I never agreed to any of this, I swear I had no idea...!" Arima started to cry.

 

"Kishou, Kishou it's okay. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you Kishou!" Haise hugged him close, burying his face against his shoulder for a moment.

"I'm not mad... please don't think this is your fault. I know, I know we have no choice." Haise was crying as well, but more over Arima. He blamed himself for this whole mess still, but he wished he wouldn't.

"I heard you yelling at them, I know you didn't want this. Sometimes, we have to do things that don't make sense to us, that we don't want to do. I'm scared... and I know you are too. But I think, as long as we stay together, we can get through this..." Haise tried to smile a little, petting Arima’s hair.

 

"Get through this but Haise... Haise I tried but when they told me the details... they just want to tear us apart... I tried..." Arima sobbed and Haise's heart rate dropped down for a moment. What was that? So scary... He needed to know, he needed to know, he needed to know! 

 

"Kishou! Kishou! Kishou, please tell me, I need to know... I really need to know!" Haise's voice was completely panicked, he couldn't control anything anymore. He needed to know, if he knew he could fight it. But ignorant, he was just the target of overwhelming anxiety. 

 

"Hai-Haise..." Arima took a deep breath, this needed to be said anyway "It's another auction mission... We have to go undercover and... they need you as Sasako to play the role of some... mafia boss's wife... since you... anyway... the mafia boss would be in fact CCG and it's gonna be..." Arima stopped talking. He couldn't do it, he couldn't just say that so simply. 

 

"It'll be you, right?" Haise was in shock, he knew Arima wouldn't be so upset if he were the one to play that role. But still, he couldn't think otherwise. It had to be him. "Kishou, it'll be you who'll play the mafia boss part, right?"

 

Arima was visibly shaking, he didn't want to say it. He didn't want to tell Haise who he would have to pretend to be with. That man... he was the cause of all Haise’s nightmares, why he felt so scared. He tore their world apart, and now he wanted Haise to play this role right by his side. It made Arima want to gag. He was scared too. Arima was terrified. Haise was already panicking and he hadn't even revealed his identity. _I'm so sorry Haise_ , Arima was repeating in his mind.

 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" he was repeating out loud as well, fingers grasping at Haise’s shirt, his head pressed against his chest, he couldn't bare to see the look on his face.

"It's...it... " He couldn't do it.

"It's... not me... Haise, it's not me, I'm so sorry! There was no choice, they, th-they threatened us! Our family, I... I couldn't refuse Haise, I didn't know what else to say... I tried to fight it, you heard that I did! But it's not me... you'll be with... with..." Arima was sobbing against Haise’s shirt now.

 

"Masturi..." Haise was the one to whisper the name and his own voice felt so distant "Ri-right?" 

 

He sounded like something had been turned off inside of him, his eyes were empty, his voice sounded hollow. He didn't cry, he didn't shake, he didn't even move. He just said it so simply it hit Arima like a rock. When he parted to look at him he could see Haise was staring blankly, completely in shock. 

 

"I'm... sorry, Haise! I managed to... make them include me in the mission as a bodyguard but... I couldn't refuse... I tried..." Arima's voice died in his throat. 

 

"It's fine... I am... fine..." Haise sounded like a broken record

 

"You're not fine, Haise! This isn't right!" Arima’s hands grasped at his shoulders.

"You're barely even here! They’re already getting to you, the mission hasn't even started yet and I feel like I'm already losing you!" Arima sobbed, he'd truly never been this afraid before.

"Haise... Haise please don't leave me... I can't... I can't do it by myself... I can't live on my own. Stay with me! Please Haise, oh please don't leave me alone. I'm scared, I'm so scared..." Arima held onto his lover tightly, but Haise seemed to remain still.

"Don't leave me... I'm so sorry" Arima mumbled again, his voice broken as well.

 

He could feel his heart crumbling into dust with every passing second. He truly wouldn't be able to go on if Haise left him. Haise didn't move. In fact, he was feeling very numb and out of reality. He heard Arima's voice but he couldn't pay attention to his words. He wasn't even sure of what his lover was saying to him but he seemed desperate. Haise should care, really, he should show some concern, put a hand on his shoulder, say it was going to be fine, say he could handle it, he could handle everything. That would be a lie but Arima would be so relieved. He felt fuzzy and dizzy and... not here. Numb. He blinked several times but it changed nothing. 

 

"Haise, I'm so sorry..." he heard Arima say again and Haise noticed his own hands were holding onto the man so tight his knuckles were white.

 

_Masturi... Matsuri's wife..._ it echoed in his head, it was so intrusive. _Matsuri's wife..._

 

"It's okay, Kishou..." he felt like the one talking wasn't him, that someone was piloting his own body and mind.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine..." he felt like those words weren't even his.

"I'll do this job"


	6. And she says wait a minute

_It’s fine. Really. It’s fine._ Haise repeated as he put on a dress. He had chosen something simple but classy, Sasako mustn’t draw attention after all. _Ten days. The mission lasts ten days, the auction one week. Those first three days are made for mapping the hotel area where the auction’s held, elaborating strategies and… working on our characters._ Haise’s hands stopped midway as he was about the zip up the dress. He swallowed with difficulty and had to breathe calmly for few minutes before he was sure he wasn’t about to throw up.

 

“It’s okay, Haise… You’re good” he whispered to regain some composure.

 

His hands went back on the zipper and he closed it up. _Working on your character. You must sound natural and charming. Not too sexy or appealing, they mustn’t take your attentions wrong._ He went by his closet to pick up some shoes and put them on. _You’re a housewife. A very social housewife. You may be part of the mafia but you’re classy, not vulgar._ He looked in the mirror. He was beautiful. Very anxious and nauseous and overwhelmed by panic, but beautiful. He liked this black dress. It matched very well the color of his eyes. He sat on his bed and started to brush his wig. _You’re not some whore he fucks, you’re his wife, you stand by his side, you represent him. Through you, they also see him…_ His hands dropped the brush and the wig onto the floor. He stared in blank as few tears roll down his cheeks.

 

“I don’t wanna…” he whispered “I don’t wanna be his wife…” Then he quickly wiped his tears off and shook his head “Don’t be silly!” he picked up the brush and wig “Ten days are a really short time…”

 

He put the wig on his head and made sure to perfectly hid his fluffy hair under it. Then he put on some make up. Something light. Haise loved make up. He thought it made him cuter. _You’re his wife. You are a couple checking in in some hotel. The auction is secret, Matsuri will speak the password. You don’t know the password anyway. Kishou is your bodyguard, nothing will happen to you. You’re just checking in, no need for intimacy._ Haise put on some earrings and a necklace. _Intimacy…_ He also chose one ring and a bracelet Arima offered him on one of their dates. He smiled. _Kishou…_ He put them on before opening a little red box. _You’re his wife._ Haise looked at the fake wedding ring and felt nauseous again. He closed it briskly. He wasn’t ready. He kept the box in his hand, this could wait after all. He went back before the mirror and looked deep into his reflection’s eyes.

 

“Hello…” his voice sounded awkward and he cleared his throat “I’m Sasako Fujisaki, pleased to meet you… Yes, Sasako Fujisaki… Oh no, I’m with my husband…” he tried to laugh, it sounded too awkward. “Shit…” Haise spat with his own voice. “Again!”

 

He tried again, and again, and again. It started to sound so natural he was feeling disgusting. _You’re his wife._ He sounded almost true he wished to die. _His wife… His wife… His…_

 

“Haise, are you ready? The car is…” Arima started as he entered the room but stopped at the sight of Haise talking to his reflection.

 

“Kishou…” Haise looked down in embarrassment “Sorry, I was practicing.” He rubbed his shoulders with his hands “Don’t… look at me…”

 

“Haise…” Arima noticed the jewels he was wearing “Haise, you’re so pretty.” He wrapped his arms around him. So pretty, indeed…

“Haise, I don’t want him to lay his eyes on you. Haise..." Arima held him from behind, pressing his nose carefully to the crook of his lover’s neck. They were both very nervous.

"You really do look beautiful… I... I love you so much." His arms tightened around him gently, being careful not to mess up Haise’s dress or any of his hard work.

"I'm... I'm sorry you have to be with him for the time... I wish it could have been me." He pressed a small kiss to Haise’s jaw before letting him go.

 

"Kishou..." The boy’s voice was a bit shaky "I-I'm sorry that I have to be with him... y-you have to see me with another man." He took in a breath, trying to hold his emotions.

 

"It isn't your fault, dear" Arima walked around in front of Haise.

 

The boy’s heart always warmed when Arima used cutesy or sappy titles for him.

"Kishou, I-I love you..." Haise hugged him for a moment, before Arima pulled him away gently.

 

"Look at me, Haise." Arima’s voice was soft, and Haise looked at him.

"You look beautiful, and I love you with all my heart. No matter what happens in there, I will always, always love you. This isn't our choice. You're so strong, I know you are. Please just remember that I love you."

 

Arima touched his cheek gently, being careful of the makeup. He let out a soft sigh before pressing a kiss to Haise’s lips. It lingered for a moment, before he felt Haise kiss him in return. They held it for a couple minutes, savoring it.

 

"I-I'll stay strong Kishou, but I... I don't want to wear this ring. I don't even want to think about being married to that bastard." Haise grit his teeth a little, and Arima gently took the box from his hands.

 

"Don't think about Matsuri, then." He carefully removed the ring from the box, reaching to hold Haise’s left hand.

"How about, when this mission is over, we get engaged? I want to be with you Haise, no matter what happens. So, Haise. Will you marry me?" Arima was smiling, a genuine smile amongst the fear of this mission.

 


	7. And you keep on lying

Haise closed his eyes again. Even this way he could feel Matsuri’s eyes on him. He tried to look at the moving landscape by the window but everything seemed to be against him and he had to see those eyes reflected on the glass as well. _I feel trapped. I can’t escape._ Haise played nervously with his fingers. He wanted to catch Arima’s glance but Arima was driving. They were silent. So silent it was oppressive. The ride was supposed to last three hours and Haise was wondering how he could survive this. He played with his fingers and he played with the fake wedding ring… Not so fake now. _Kishou… Of course I’ll marry you, silly!_ The words he answered him echoed in his head and it helped him feel better. He stopped playing with the ring to look at it. _Of course I want to give my entire life to you._

 

“You look nervous, Sasako.”

 

“So-sorry…” Haise tensed suddenly when he heard the man said his… female name. _He even chose the one we’ve picked with Kishou, this man is…_ He clenched his fists.

 

“Can’t you relax? At this rate, no need to go for an undercover, you smell like fraud at miles around.” Masturi kept going, with a venomous tone.

 

Haise could feel Matsuri's venomous words sinking into his mind, cutting him like knives. _Ignore him, Haise, you're doing well_ , he thought to himself, shaking his head the smallest bit.

 

"I'm, I'm sorry sir. I suppose I'm still a little nervous. For the mission’s success. The last auction was very tough, so I'm a little worried, is all." That was a partial truth at least. He left out the part where Matsuri's presence and words made him feel sick to his stomach, and the eyes on him made him want to die. He couldn't possible say that out loud.

"I'm trying my best to stay composed, sir." He spoke with politeness to the man, and it made him want to gag.

"I'm sorry if I'm not up to... y-your standards yet." He rubbed the ring on his finger gently, trying to calm down.

 

“Tsss…” Matsuri hissed at his answer and Haise’s heart tighten even more in his chest.

“At least I can say you picked the right clothes... This is the only thing you're good at, aren't you? Being a queer..." Matsuri's eyes judged him from head to toes and a thrill went down Haise's spine. 

 

"I... I..." Haise tried to find out some answer but those words were so cruel he was barely able not to cry. He couldn't mess his make up, not after all the effort he made to look great. To look like... _His wife._ Those very words made him feel sicker.  

 

"I must say you're quite impressive at it... I'm pretty sure you'll fool everybody once again... but only if you start by stopping this shaking leg" Matsuri added coldly as he firmly put his hand on Haise's knee.

 

Haise couldn't believe the words he was hearing, so hurtful, and mean. They were oh so mean. He really didn't know how someone could even be that horrible. He pretends that he didn't hear the first part, closing his eyes and forcing a small smile. Everything about this made him feel sick. The hand he felt grab his leg sent chills through his body, and not in a good way. It disgusted him.

 

"I'll try not to be so nervous, I... I should be more c-confident in you... and the others..." Haise felt so gross saying these words.

 

"You must get used to it..." Matsuri glanced at his hand. "Physical contact... If you are going to act as my wife, you should try working on being at ease when I touch you... or people would never believe you despite how pretty you could get..." Matsuri added as he removed his hand from Haise's knee to tuck some of Sasako's hair behind his ear. 

 

"I'll... do my best..." Haise whispered, trying to hide the contempt in his voice.

 

The man was right though, if he acted so stressed and sick like that nobody would believe their act. But the idea, the only idea of getting _used_ to the touch of this man was making him breathe uneasily. His pants were erratic, he felt like he was about to faint by any moment. _Don't touch me, don't play with my hair, don't touch me, don't touch me..._  

 

"That's enough, sir" Arima intervened with a cold and murderous voice "Haise is neither a toy nor a machine, he has feelings... if you push him like that, I..." 

 

"You should just drive." Matsuri cut him as his fingers stroked Haise's cheek "We don't have much time so he'd better be very convincing soon."

 

Arima gritted his teeth as he caught sight of Matsuri touching Haise’s cheek through the rear view mirror. This sick man was using his lover as some toy. He couldn't say anymore though, he'd just get told off again. _Be strong Haise, you can do this,_ Arima thought as he focused back on the road. Haise on the other hand, was trying desperately to calm his heart race down. Matsuri would get angry if he didn't calm soon. He had to get used to it, he had to do it.

 

"I'm...I'm okay, sir." Haise shivered slightly as he felt the man's fingers trail down the side of his exposed neck. He wished he hadn't worn such a revealing dress. It wasn't even that bad, but it was enough that he could feel Matsuri touch his skin that was visible and eye him up and down. He tried not to shiver again.

 

"Mmm..." Matsuri grinned and it was even harder for Haise not to shiver again "True, you really are a fast learner... when it comes to such things..." he spat almost the last words in disdain.

"But... Sasako..." this name, the way he said it... Haise thought his heart was about to fail him soon "Sasako, you don't seem quite... happy..." 

 

"Ah..." Haise understood he had to start acting right now or this would never end, those fingers on his skin... he had to get rid of him, he had to be perfect, yes... the perfect wife, that was the only way out.

"I was just... thinking... I hope we'll have some nice room, at the hotel..." his voice sounded more natural already, good thing he had practiced before.

"Don't you...?" Should he say something more? Baby? No way... Darling? Ugh... Honey? Haise'd rather die.

 

Haise was glad he had practiced so much, otherwise he really would be a mess right now. He had to shut his mind off, become Sasako. He had more than one personality lurking in his mind already, what was one more...? He'd shut her out later if it became troublesome.

 

"Will there be any service, for drinks and the like?" He hoped that his attempt at small talk for the time being was good enough. But it still hurt... being like this in front of Arima.

"I wonder if they'd have anything nice to try, I haven't had a nice drink in so long" he continued, hoping it was enough. Matsuri hadn't stop touching though, and it made his skin crawl.

 

"Anything you want..." Matsuri said and Haise could tell by his tone he had started to act as well but there was still something... dangerous underlying in every word he spoke "You know how much I... cherish you, Sasako." 

 

Matsuri was touching his arm now and Haise felt even worse regarding Arima. It was fine for him, he had mentally prepared to be... in such gross situations but Arima... why did he have to see this? Why did he have to endure this? _This man..._ He had just proposed before the mission, because he knew, he fucking knew!, they'd have to go through such things. But Haise had to act, he had to act for their own sake. 

 

"Really..." he chuckled, putting shyly one hand over his mouth "Really, you're spoiling me..." he got even carried away by his own act "My love..."

 

Haise regretted those words as soon as they passed his lips. _My love._ Haise wanted to throw up at his own words. But he wasn't Haise anymore. He was Sasako. He was Matsuri's wife. No. No, no. He was Arima Kishou’s husband to be. He felt so awful for saying those words in front of his Kishou, but if he didn't play his part well... Haise didn't want to think about it.

 

"You're far too good to me" Sasako forced a laugh. Haise wanted to cry. This was going to be a very, very long mission.

"Will we be going for dinner before we settle for the night, or will it be too late?" He wanted to stop talking.

 

 _Arima, please be strong as well. I love you, and only you._ Haise resisted the urge to look at Arima, and instead forced himself to look over at Matsuri. Matsuri didn't answer for a while, just looking at him. The sparkle in his eyes made Haise shiver but Sasako remained still. He was still touching her arm, playing with her hair. But it was fine now, because Sasako knew what to do. She was strong enough. And she never stopped smiling until Matsuri finally spoke again. 

 

"We'll eat at the hotel... There's a room service. It'll be easier, since it's the place where the auction is held after all. They know their clients have... food issues, just like you." 

 

Matsuri cupped his cheek and Haise felt he was too close, he could smell his scent but Sasako smiled and it was a pretty smile, he had sworn to himself he'd only show this smile to Arima and his heart felt like it was pierced by a dagger.

 

 _Please understand, Kishou, I'm not in control of this body anymore._   Haise wanted to cry, he wanted to sob. He felt like he was betraying Arima, right in front of him. If the Washuu's plan was to break them both, then surely it must be working.

"I do hope they have good room service. You are of high status after all." He felt his lower lip twitch slightly as Sasako smiled.

 _Keep your cool._ He had to leave Sasako in control. Stop pushing himself through. Sasako laughed lightly,

"I do hope they treat me well too." Haise held a hand to his mouth, laughing gently. Matsuri was too close. Far too close for comfort. _Please...end this..._ Haise could feel his heart breaking into pieces.

 

"They will..." Matsuri was so close Haise could feel his breath on his skin when he spoke "They will because after all..." He made this pause on purpose, Haise knew what was following and Arima too probably. _Oh I'm so sorry, Kishou!_ But Sasako just lie on him a questioning look, as if she didn't know about it at all.

"You're my wife..."

 

"Oh! Right!" Sasako's voice was so bright as if she heard some good news. 

 

After that they remained silent and Haise couldn't help looking at Kishou in the rear mirror through Sasako's eyes. Masturi was keeping her close and she had put her head on his shoulder. She played just right but Haise's heart was bleeding. Haise was exhausted but Sasako stayed awake. They weren't talking anymore and Matsuri was just gently stroking her back. Gently? Yes, it was almost gentle, almost... there was something underneath... utterly powerful and dangerous. How long did they stay like that, he couldn't say. But Haise was stealing glances at Arima. Haise wished to touch his face and kiss his lips. But Sasako never moved, not even when Matsuri's face got closer, so close. She didn't even reply when he asked in a low tone for only Haise to hear: 

 

"Tell me... how far would you go to protect your beloved Arima?"

 

But Haise did.

 

“Whatever it takes.”


	8. Tired and it's getting late

The room was gorgeous. Honestly, Haise didn’t expect it to be a suite. He knew Matsuri was playing the part of some mafia boss but still… _Aren’t we drawing a little too much attention?_ Two strangers, a mafia boss that no one heard about before. And they ended up taking some gorgeous room in the hotel. It wasn’t the best room though, this one was already taken. _Probably by the one who is holding the auction…_ Haise sighed as he finished to unpack their stuff. Sasako’s and even Matsuri’s. He did everything good, as expected from a wife. Matsuri had gone… somewhere, not even bothering to tell Haise. He told him he’d be back soon though, he even told Haise he could call room service and order the ‘Chef Special’ if he was hungry. He said that on a tone that almost made him sound nice and caring. Almost. Haise went into the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and turned around to face his reflection. He looked tired. Beautiful but tired. He touched the skin where Matsuri’s fingers were earlier on and it made him shiver. He closed his eyes and his voice echoed in his head.

 

_‘How far would you go to protect your beloved Arima?... How far would you go… How far… Tell me…’_

 

He started to tremble suddenly and wrapped himself in his own arms. He kneeled down on the bathroom floor and started to cry silently. _You are strong, Haise, so strong_ , he kept telling himself, _You’ve kept the acting up until now, you’re really really strong._ It felt like something was tearing his chest up. And the words, the words… those were the worst. He could barely endure them. He curled up, trying to make himself as small as possible, hoping he’d disappear. His forehead touched the cold floor.

 

_‘How far… tell me…’_

_‘Whatever it takes.’_

 

No matter how much he closed his eyes, no matter how much he tried to empty his head, no matter how much he tried to become Sasako again, he could only feel only Matsuri’s hand tightening on his waist and… his lips on his cheek… That was enough to make him lose his fucking mind! _This is a common thing, between spouses,_ he had told himself, _so common it’s even done publically sometimes_. He had looked up and seen Arima’s eyes. And he felt his world crumbling. _Kishou…_ he tried to breathe calmly again, to regain his composure. They would be back by any second, Matsuri couldn’t see him this way. _Why do I think of him first?_ Haise dug his nails into the skin of his arms but the scratches healed right away. _Is it instinct? Is it the urge to protect myself from his contempt?_ Haise finally found the strength to get up and his legs were shaking. _Kishou, you’re the only one I love. Kishou, you’re my husband._ He glanced at the ring. He took a deep breath and started to remove his make up. His face was a mess.

 

“You’re doing a great job, Haise…” he whispered as he cleaned his face “Nobody’s better than you, you’re the best, Sasako…”

 

He was done when he heard the door open. Matsuri and Arima got in without speaking. Sasako bowed slightly, mostly to avoid Arima’s eyes. Haise felt like a betrayer.

 

“Welcome back.”

 

“You look tired” Matsuri put two fingers on her chin to tilt her head up “You cried.”

 

“It has been a long day... my dear…” Calling him such sweet names made Haise sick but Sasako’s voice was soft.

 

“You should rest, then.” Haise couldn’t tell if those words were meant to be kind or deadly.

 

Haise didn’t want to go to bed. He knew he should, all this pressure had exhausted him too much. But Haise didn’t want to go to bed. If they went to bed, then Arima would as well. He’d leave the room, he had to. A bodyguard couldn’t interfere in their husband and wife intimacy. It would be suspicious if he stayed. Arima knew it and clenched his fists. He couldn’t let Haise be alone with that… disgusting man. Though he had already warned Matsuri, he was still afraid. This man was… so dangerous it was beyond words.

 

_‘Touch him and I’ll kill you. I don’t care about the mission. I swear. I’ll kill you.’_

_‘I bet you will…’_

 

Masturi had grinned, he almost felt happy about Arima’s reaction, as if he were expecting such death threat. Arima was sure he wouldn’t do anything risky, at least not during the time of the mission. But still… thinking of him, sharing Haise’s bed… being so close and so intimate, even if it was an act… _Haise, I can’t. It hurts. It’s not your fault, I know you don’t want this either. But it hurts. You shouldn’t be so close to him, this should have never happened._ He felt like crying when he saw Matsuri stroke Haise’s cheek in a gesture that was meant to be tender.

 

“Go to sleep, we have a big day tomorrow.”

 

“Al-already?” Sasako had put her hand on Matsuri’s.

 

“Yes. Lady Asano was with some friends at the bar. She’s important enough to provide invitations to the buffet that’ll be held the night before the auction starts. We need one of these invitations, all the oils will be attending that ridiculous party… whatever…” Matsuri removed his hand from Haise’s cheek and loosened his tie “I also learnt she likes walking alone in the hotel garden in the mornings, and has a thing for happy couples… what a loud and boring woman…” he sighed completely removing his tie.

 

“I’m… impressed… you gathered so much information in a little amount of time. Now we just have to keep going and be friendly enough to obtain this invitation…” Haise smiled a bit.

 

He knew this was his part of the job, talking to her, shopping with her, sharing secrets about their love lives. _Secrets about my love life… with Matsuri…_ He swallowed with difficulty. He wasn’t sure he could imagine it, he wasn’t even sure he could imagine Matsuri in love with somebody. Maybe if he thought about how Arima behaved towards him maybe he could imagine… No, no, that was a bad idea. Arima was Arima, his fiancé, the love of his life, his dear and precious when Matsuri was… _My husband._ Sasako’s voice echoed in his head. _And your abuser._

 

“Is something the matter?” Something was wrong with Matsuri’s voice, as if he was actually _caring_. But Haise wasn’t a fool. But Sasako was.

 

“It’s… fine… just tired, I guess…” She smiled, removing her wig “I-I’ll sleep on the couch though…” Haise was starting to take over her again.

 

“If you don’t need me any longer, I’m heading to my room” Arima said with a trembling voice, barely able to hide the pain and sorrow he was actually feeling.

 

“Ki… Kishou, good night” Haise smiled waving gently his left hand, to show him the ring, the reminder of their promise. _Kishou, you’re the one I love._

 

“Good night…” he opened the door and whispered very low “Haise…”

 

_‘I swear! I’ll kill you…’_

_‘I bet you will.’_

***

 

Haise’s eyes were wide open, looking at the ceiling. _I can’t sleep._ He could hear his own heart beat wild against his chest. _I can’t sleep with that man by my side._ Though Matsuri never made a move to touch him in any sort. Though Matsuri didn’t seem to care they were sharing the same bed. “ _You’d sleep better in the bed”, what a joke!_ He couldn’t have say no. He could hear Matsuri breathe slowly. It made him nauseous. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks and he silently begged for Arima’s arms. He felt sick. It was overwhelming. The pressure on his chest, he could barely breathe in… He felt sick. No, he was sick. He rushed out of the bed to the bathroom. But it took him some time, he made actual gross and loud noises before he finally threw up. It was excruciating, he felt no relief. _Wake me up, please wake me up._ He closed his eyes, his belly squeezed trying to empty an already empty stomach. _No more, I can’t expel anxiety, stop, please stop it hurts._ He was shivering. He hated himself deeply. It was going away, the nausea. Slowly, too slowly.

 

“Hey, Sasaki…”

 

Haise startled before he looked up to the door. _Matsuri…_ He lowered his head, ready to endure every nasty remark. But the man said nothing and handed him a glass of cool water. Haise’s hand trembled when he took it and he slowly sipped its content. The man extended a hand to touch his forehead but his gesture wasn’t aggressive. _Beware, my child…_

 

“Take an ice-cold shower. It’ll calm you down. Then go back to bed, try to get some sleep.”

 

“But, I…” Haise glanced at the dirtied toilet. He needed to do some cleaning.

 

“I’ll clean. Go.”

 

And he left the boy alone. Surprised, Haise did as he said. Paradoxically the cold water calm him down completely. When he wrapped himself in the warm sheets of the bed, he felt so far away from himself he fell asleep almost immediately. Though he heard a little voice whisper to him.

 

_Beware, my child… Beware when your abuser is kind._


	9. So we held her hand and rip it in up here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hella fucking long chapter oops

The morning after was terrible. Matsuri had ordered coffee and Haise drank almost all the pot by himself. But his mind was still foggy. And it still tasted strange on his tongue. _Beware, child…_ What was yesterday’s doing? That wasn’t especially kindness. But why didn’t he take advantage of the situation to make him feel even more shitty? Haise finished his cup of coffee and sat on the edge of the bed. By the noises he heard he could say Matsuri was in the shower. _I feel so wrong… and out…_ He got up with difficulty when he heard small knocks on their door. He opened it and saw Arima. The second after he was violently pushed inside and the door was slammed shut.

 

“Haise! Are you crazy? What if somebody sees you when you’re not dressed?”

 

_Ah right… I’m Sasako here._

“So-sorry…” Haise mumbled as he sat back on the bed, obviously too tired for anything.

 

“Haise…” Arima’s voice trembled with fear, he was expecting the worst, Haise was out of himself, tired “What happened? Haise, what did he do to you?” he gripped the boy’s shoulders a little too tight.

 

“Nothing…” Haise’s voice was almost a whisper.

 

“Don’t lie to me!” Arima hugged him, nuzzling his face into Haise’s hair, it seemed to him he was covered with Matsuri’s scent, it was disgusting “Please… don’t lie…”

 

“He did nothing…” the boy tugged at Arima’s clothing “I had anxiety all night. But he did nothing…”

 

Haise settled on his lap. Warmth… Arima’s warmth. Arima’s scent. This is what he needed. He hugged the man closer. Closer. Closer. He needed to feel him. He needed to forget everything, where he was, what he was supposed to do, who he was supposed to be. His lips awkwardly ended on Arima’s. He shouldn’t do such thing. Not with Matsuri around. This was dangerous. But he couldn’t help it. He kissed Arima all teeth and tongue. He was desperate. When Arima kissed back, he was desperate too. _Haise…_ It seemed like a lifetime since the last time they kissed. But it was only yesterday. Ten days, that would be too long. Arima cried. Something he shouldn’t do when a Washuu was in the same room as him. But it was too much. _Haise, please Haise. Flee with me. Let’s run away now._

 

“Tss… Pathetic…” they heard at some point.

 

But Haise kissed him more.

 

***

 

The garden was beautiful. truly. It wasn't big but intimate. The choice of flowers was on point. Square. And intimate. Peaceful. Arima could understand why lady Asano was taking a walk in here every morning. It should peace her mind. Arima was pretty sure those ladies were always misunderstood in such environment, men looked down on them when they in fact hid their own power behind vain make up and gossips. This buffet was the proof. If Haise... no, Sasako. If Sasako could be a friend of hers, they'd be able to enter such circles.

 

"Look at that, honey... It's beautiful..." 

 

"Beautiful, indeed." 

 

Haise was very pretty today. He was like a flower in this garden. The deep blue dress he wore created a nice contrast with his black long hair and his red lips. The heels he had on sharped his silhouette. He was pretty. Arima could look at him for hours. But there was some problem in the picture. _Matsuri..._ How Sasako clung to his arm, how she smiled at him, how she laughed... So natural. The way her hand had discreetly but surely moved to take Matsuri's as if it was so kind of secret ritual they were having since ages. The proximity... the intimacy... Sasako was good in her acting. It hurt. It hurt so much. But sometimes he saw Sasako... no, not Sasako, Haise. Sometimes Haise was playing with the ring on his left hand and Arima was reminded it was all a fake. That Haise was his to be. But it hurt, oh damn it still hurt.

 

Sasako had been laughing gently at something Matsuri had said, though of course, Arima was able to tell that it was a put on laugh. He did know Haise very well. _Haise... I hope you're not suffering too much through this._ Arima let out a soft sigh as he watched them. He wished he didn't have to watch them be like this, but he also didn't want them to be out of his sight. Being their bodyguard was the best option he had really. He just had to endure seeing his lover with the man he despised so much. _You're the reigning investigator, Kishou. You're strong. They made you strong. Don't give up now._ He tried desperately to keep his spirits strong. He tried to distract his thoughts, looking at Haise again.

 

He looked stunning, he really did. Arima was so proud of him. He let his mind wander, imagining it was Haise and him wandering through such a garden like this. Haise was wearing the same outfit, it was beautiful, and he was holding Arima's hand, babbling on about silly things as he usually did. They'd stop after a while, and Haise would lean up to grace his lips with a gentle kiss, leaving red lipstick upon them. He whispered words of love to Arima, and it helped him relax. _Haise, maybe one day I can bring you somewhere pretty like this, we can spend the time alone together for once_. Arima sighed softly, blinking slowly as his vision focused again.

 

Sasako had let go of Matsuri, having wandered over to a section of the garden filled with gorgeous white and blue flowers. Haise walked on the small path amongst the flowers, slowly, with grace. He had kept his hands to his chest and was looking down. He was pure beauty, an ethereal being who descended on earth. If Arima weren't already deep in love with him he would have completely fallen for Haise at this very moment. Haise was radiant. Glowing. Blooming. A flower amongst flowers. But purer. More beautiful. More evanescent. Arima was pretty sure he was smiling like an idiot. He had to fight the urge to go by his side and lead this pretty being to a more peaceful place. _Haise... You are so beautiful, you know? I've never seen something so beautiful in my entire life. Even those flowers, next to you, are almost ugly._ He was soon caught of his dreamy thoughts. 

 

"Dear, look what I found, it's lovely." 

 

"I'm coming, honey." 

 

The place was beautiful indeed. A bit hidden by some bushes. Even more intimate. Truly a place for the lovers. Arima's heart tightened in his chest. _It should be me... It must be me. Haise, you're calling for me, right?_ Fake smile, fake laughter. Sasako reached her right hand to catch Matsuri's arm. Haise played softly with the ring on his left hand. Sasako lead the both of them deeper into the shadows spread by the tree's branches. Haise glanced discreetly at Arima. _It hurts, Haise. Don't do that._ A noise behind him. He looked quickly. Lady Asano. 

 

"It's pretty, isn't it?" 

 

"You're pretty..." 

 

He couldn't stand that. Anyway he had to speak the signal. 

 

"Sasako-sama..." he spoke "Please stay in sight..." 

 

He heard more giggles. He didn't really want to see that. But another part of him needed to see that. They heard him, obviously. They were getting even more intimate. He was holding her so close. Their faces were only inches apart. Sasako seemed happy. Haise played more nervously with his ring. They got closer, closer, closer... _Stop._ Too close. _Enough._ Arima's heart forgot how to beat for few seconds. _Son of a..._ Matsuri was kissing Haise. His Haise. He clenched his fists. 

 

"Ahem... sorry..." a hand came to touch his shoulder from behind, he turned around and saw lady Asano, at least he assumed it was her. 

 

"I'm sorry, my lady..." he tried to use the coldest and more professional tone he could regarding the situation "But I can't let you pass through... My lady, I do apologize, but I cannot permit you to pass any further." Arima spoke with a composed, serious tone.

"It is my job to ensure their safety and... privacy."

 

He hesitated a moment with his speech. The image of that man, that horrible man kissing Haise, it wouldn't leave his mind. _Haise, I'm sorry_. Arima’s fist clenched by his side again.

 _I told him not to go that far... I told him I'd kill him... He's mocking me_. He bit his lip for a moment.

 

"Sir?" He was brought from his thoughts by Lady Asano speaking up.

 

"My apologies. Did you say something?" He gave a small shake of his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

 

"Might I ask who they are? The lady is awfully pretty, don't you think?" Lady Asano was looking in their direction, and Arima was trying to keep his composure.

 

"I shouldn't speak out of line, but yes, I agree." How could he not agree, Haise was gorgeous.

"That is Mr. Fujisaki, and Lady Sasako... his wife." He hated saying those words.

 

"Sasako? What a cute name."

 

"Cute, indeed..." Arima spoke softly, most speaking his own mind than answering the lady's words. She smiled back at him.  

 

"I never saw any of you here before... I'm sure I would have noticed such a lovely couple, they seem so close, don't they? They must truly be in love with each other." 

 

"Ah..." It was hard for Arima to bear, just thinking of this was... gross... Haise and... no way! "Yes, they are... They've come here to celebrate their anniversary." _What the heck, Kishou?_ he cursed himself as he spoke those words. 

 

"Oh! how cute... I thought they were here for the..." she made an obvious pause "entertainment." Arima's eyes widened. _She means the auction, right?_

_"_ May I?"

 

Lady Asano made a move to go towards them but Arima extended an arm to block her way, he was about to repeat why he couldn't let her through but he was cut by Haise's voice. 

 

"Nobu-san, it's okay. She can come and greet us. We'd be happy to meet such a charming person." 

 

"As you wish, Sasako-sama..." 

 

He moved aside, somehow relieved. Now lady Asano had stepped onto the stage, there would be no reason for Matsuri to keep... doing such things to Haise. _Unless he wants to break us down, which wouldn't be so much of a surprise honestly._ All three bowed as they introduced themselves.

 

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss...?" Sasako spoke politely, but gave a nervous giggle when she realized she didn't yet know the woman's name.

 

"I'm Lady Asano, it's a pleasure to meet you as well." Asano bowed her head again "I must say, Sasako-san, your dress is very pretty." She gestured to it gently.

 

"Oh my, thank you very much, this is one of my favorites really," Sasako let out another small giggle.

 

Matsuri seemed to have backed off some when Lady Asano had come to greet them.

"It's a pleasure." Matsuri spoke calmly. Reaching a hand out to Sasako's shoulder, a slight grin formed on his lips. Arima stood by, sending a glare at Matsuri.

 

"Are you enjoying your stay, Sasako-san? I love this garden a lot, it's so peaceful and very pretty." Asano glanced around, smiling a bit too cheerfully.

 

Arima didn't trust Matsuri, nor Asano really. This was for the auction after all. It worried him, that Haise would have to be friends with someone suspicious.

 

"Would you mind, Fujisaki-san, if I borrow you your precious wife for a moment?" Lady Asano asked as she took gently Sasako's arm "I'd like to discuss... dresses... and... woman stuff... with her." The tone she used was obviously implying they weren't about to talk about fashion or makeup. 

 

"My lady, you should ask her, not me" Matsuri's tone was charming like a snake, Arima couldn't help shivering.

"I was about to leave for work matters, actually. And I think, honey..." Oh how much Arima hated when he said that! "you didn't really have plans for the day, did you?" 

 

"No, you're right..." Sasako smiled but Haise was nervous "I was just thinking about maybe buying a dress, you know..." She blushed. _Haise..._ Arima's heart melted. _Don't show them your cuteness, they're not worth it._  

 

"Oh what kind of dress?" 

 

The women went walking around the garden until they found a nice spot to sit. Matsuri was about to take his leave. 

 

"I'm sorry, sir..." Arima noticed his voice was trembling somehow. _I want to kill him so bad... so so bad... he kissed Haise..._ "What are my orders?" Was he a dog or something? 

 

"Watch over the ladies, I can handle myself right. We'll meet after lunch, in the room." 

 

"Right, sir." 

 

Alright, if he could get killed in the process of... doing what he went to do, that'd be a nice thing. Arima bowed and went to stand not far from the ladies. He chose the right angle so he could watch Haise's face, how beautiful he was. His lipstick was a bit messed up, though. _Don't think about it._ Haise should be disgusted like hell within, and still he could perform such an act. Arima was stunned, really. Haise was so strong. _And I'm not._  

 

"Tell me, Sasako-san..." Lady Asano took genuinely Sasako's hand in hers "what kind of... entertainments... do you like?" This word again. And her voice was almost a purr.

 

“En-entertainments?” Sasako blushed.

 


	10. No one you know, we're sleeping anyway here (1/2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mind is too numb for a check-reading so sorry if there are any typos or mistakes

"Please, you first Sasako-sama."

 

Arima kept up the act while they were still visible to others. They were just getting back from the shopping trip with Lady Asano. Arima was thankful that it hadn't taken too long... They'd have some time to themselves before Matsuri returned.

 

"Thank you Nobu-san, you're so polite."

 

Sasako gave a small giggle, nodding her head in thanks while stepping into the elevator, and Arima joined a moment later, quickly pressing the button to force the doors to close. He didn't want anyone else trying to hop on as well. He took a breath in, shaking a little now that the act was over for now.

 

"H-Haise...." He stuttered a little, nervous "Haise..." He turned around, looking at him. Finally, they could have a little privacy.

 

"Kishou…" Haise spoke up, dropping the act as well finally. He sounded desperate, hurrying over to Arima to hug him. Of course, Arima hugged him close in return.

 

"It's okay Haise, I've got you. You're okay..."

 

"I'm not okay..." Haise confessed "Kishou... Kishou... I'm not okay... Matsuri, he... Kishou!" he yelled. 

 

"Sssh... I'm here, I'm here. You're not with him right now, you're with me, look at me Haise. Haise, it's me." He was on the verge on crying though but Haise was clinging so much onto him. He had to be the strong one this time. At least he had to try to be.

"Haise, it's..." 

 

He was pulled in an awkward kiss. Haise was trembling all over and his kiss was messy. He needed contact, Arima's touch. Arima was pretty sure he'd have lipstick on his mouth but for what he cared. He just had to be careful in the hallways. He broke the kiss in a hurry. 

 

"H-Haise... It's our floor." 

 

"Oh..." Haise detached himself from him "Kishou, your lips..." 

 

"It's fine. My room is just near the elevator."

 

He said that but he was secretly hoping they crossed paths with nobody there, it'd be too awkward to explain. And if Masturi got to know... Arima shook his head. He mustn't think about such things. They were lucky. When the doors open nobody was around. They dashed to Arima's room and even if he messed up with the door lock they got in quite quickly. Haise dropped all of his package on the floor. He didn't care. He also took off his wig angrily, as if he wanted to throw his persona away. He grabbed Arima by the collar. _I need, oh I need you..._ He kissed him again, so desperately. They moved to the bed. Arima's back hit it and he got Haise on top of him, kissing him like his life was at stake. He was crying. Who could blame him? Not Arima... 

 

"Kishou... Kishou I..." Haise's voice choked on his sobs "He did... to me... he... with his tongue... I... it wasn't planned, I swear! I never meant to..." 

 

"Sssh, Haise... I know..." he stroked his cheek softly "I know you never meant to do such thing, I know you love me..." 

 

"Kishou..." Haise kissed him once more, in an even more messy way.

 

Haise was sitting on top of Arima, almost straddling him as he gripped onto the front of his shirt tightly. Tears were dripping off of his chin and onto Arimas chest. Haise wanted to kiss him and make love, really he did. He missed his lover so much, he thought he'd go crazy... but he couldn't stop crying.

 

"Kishou, Kishou I'm sorry! You had to... you had to see that..." He was looking down now, shoulders shaking.

"That... that kiss... it was so awful, so horrible Kishou! He wasn't gentle, and he, and he tried to force his tongue in!"

 

Haise sobbed for a few moments before he gave Arima a desperate, messy kiss out of despair. Arima kissed him back of course, holding his arms gently around his waist. He made sure to be gentle, caring, supportive, even with the messy kiss.

 

"It's okay Haise, I've got you.”

 

Arima moved one hand to gently stroke his lover’s soft hair. He ran his fingers through the fluffy locks as he gave Haise another soft kiss. How could Matsuri go that far, Arima thought. He hurt Haise. He really did, and it was very apparent how badly he had broken him already.

_I'll kill you myself, Matsuri. One day I will. You'll fucking die._ Arima was angry again, but he was brought out of his thoughts when he heard Haise’s quiet voice.

 

"Do I... taste bad?" He asked softly, nervously, in a whisper.

 

"Haise...What do you mean?" Arima didn't really understand.

 

"Wh-when you kiss me... do I taste bad?" Haise was shaking again, and Arima’s heart was breaking.

 

"Of course not, Haise you know I love how you taste. You're sweet, amongst other things, but I love it, and I love you. Plus, you taste like coffee sometimes as well." Arima spoke up, giving Haise another kiss.

 

"M-Matsuri told me I tasted disgusting..."

 

"Haise... no!" Arima's voice was shaking, he felt like crying as fell but he had to be strong, he had to! Haise needed him now, he needed him so bad.

"You taste wonderful, don't believe him, he's trying to break you down" First this mission, now that kiss and... those words. _I'm going to kill him, I swear I'll do it._   Arima stroked Haise's head.

"You're wonderful, Haise." 

 

"Kishou..." Haise pressed himself a little more against Arima, still crying, pretty sure his face was a mess of makeup now but still... "Kishou, could you... make love to me?" 

 

It struck Arima right in the heart. _Haise, no..._ This was something none of them asked for usually, actually they never asked for it, it just went with the flow. They were confident in each other's love and desire not to ask. But here... Here... _I'm gonna kill him._

_"_ Haise... you know you don't have to ask. Of course I'll make love to you..." he tried to smile but it hurt. _What did he do to you?_

_"_ But I am... so... disgusting... am I not?" Haise curled up more onto Arima's chest, burying his face against the man's clothing "Even... lady Asano... when she looks at me... I feel... disgusting... repulsive... ugly... wrong..." 

 

"Haise, stop!" Arima shifted him so he was now under him "You just stop talking. I'll show you, Haise. I'll show you how beautiful and desirable you are. Haise... I'll show you how bad you made me fall in love with you." 

 

He started to undo Haise's dress, kissing his lips softly. Haise arched, visibly uneasy but Arima never stopped. He just went slowly, carefully, taking all the time he needed. Haise was still crying a bit, his face was only a nameless mess of makeup and tears but still… _Still, you are the most beautiful being on earth, the most beautiful flower in the garden._ His hands were careful when he undressed him, massaging his skin in firm circles. Haise’s hands were shaking though but Arima just smiled and let him removed his suit. He kissed him again, slowly, carefully, wishing to erase every memory of Matsuri. _It never occurred, Haise. It wasn’t real._ He never spoke those words. He knew it was way too real for Haise. Way too real for him too. _I’ll erase him for you. You’ll be fine, Haise._

 

“Ki-Kishou…” Haise’s voice was really weak “I love you… I love you… I love you…”

 

“Sssh…” he put a finger on Haise’s lips “I know. You don’t need to talk.”

“I feel like… I need to tell you… how much… I love you… since you see me…”

 

“Haise, stop. It’s you and me now.”

 

Haise just nodded. Arima leaned down for a kiss and started to touch him again. He made sure to touch every inch of skin that was once under Matsuri’s fingers. He made sure to claim them as his own again. He could feel Haise moaned in the kiss when he stroked his waist, his hips. When he ran his fingers softly up and down his back. He took his time. They had all the time in the world. _No, we don’t._ Arima pretended he never had such thought.

 

"Haise, haise I love you so much," Arima spoke gently as he pressed soft kisses against his lover’s jaw and neck. "You're beautiful, so, so beautiful." He continued, leaning over Haise as he rubbed his hips still.

"I'll say it as much as I can," he sat up a little, fingers brushing against his cheek softly, touch full of love and care. "I fell in love with you, Haise, I fell so deep in love with you." He kissed him softly, a tear dripping onto his cheek.

 

"K-Kishou..." Haise sniffled, feeling the warm drop on his cheek from Arima’s tears.

 

"I love you Haise..." He kissed him again, and Haise kissed him back, arms wrapping around the back of his neck in desperation.

"You're beautiful Haise, inside" Arimas finger’s brushed against his bare chest gently, "and outside" he kissed him, his lips, his eyelids, his cheeks, his forehead. Everything.

"Everything about you Haise, is beautiful."

 

He felt the boy tug him down again so that their lips were pressed together in a heated kiss. Teeth clicking, lips getting red, saliva dripping off their chins even. It was a messy kiss, tongue and all. Arima wanted Haise to taste him, forget that bastard. _I'm here Haise, he doesn't matter_.  Their tongues brushed against one another's, panting as they took turns almost, invading each other's mouths to taste one another.

 

"K-Kishou, I love you too. We… we keep saying it, but what else can we do...?"

 

His voice sounded almost broken still as he panted, catching his breath. It hurt Arima so much. But he tried to ignore it. Haise held Arima against him for a few moments while they regained breath from the small make out. Arima’s hands traveled down his lover’s sides again, massaging his hips and trailing his fingers across his abdomen gently. Haise moaned softly. Being touched by whom he truly loved made him feel some semblance of normalcy again.

 

"K-Kishou more... the touches… they feel good."

 

Arima didn’t answer. He kissed his neck slowly, still going down with his hand. _I’ll make you feel good again, Haise._ He reached his erected member and softly wrapped his fingers around the length to stroke it up and down. Slowly, carefully, taking his time. _I’ll cure your skin, I’ll cure every area he touched._ Arima tried not to think like that but it was hard, too hard. Haise had sometimes been shy and hesitant, especially regarding sex but never this insecure, neither did he even doubt his potential for seduction. But Haise was moaning, few tears still escaping his eyes. _I’ll make it right again, Haise. I’ll make everything right again._  


	11. No one you know, we're sleeping anyway here (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating last week

 “Ki… shou… Kishou… K-Kishou…” Haise whispered, like a broken record. Arima couldn’t tell why he kept repeating his name this way. As if he was trying to convince himself this was real. As if he was trying to convince himself this was really _him_.

 

"You're good, Haise. You're doing just fine" Arima whispered in his ear, slowly going on with his hand "You're beautiful, Haise, so beautiful..."

 

"Ki… shou" Haise arched his back "M-more... please more..."

 

"Sssh... Haise... take your time... feel me."

 

Arima moved his hand a bit faster. He didn't want to rush anything. He was afraid, oh too afraid. It felt like Haise could instantly crumble down into his hands. He trailed kisses alongside his collarbone, going down slowly on his chest, his fingers never stopping, Haise's voice never quieting. _I’ll make you feel alive and well again, Haise._ He kept kissing him, drawing the lines of the half-ghoul's body with his mouth, still touching him. Haise's hand grabbed Arima's hair. Apparently it started to be too much for him. _I would never stop, never._ Haise flung his head back against the bed when Arima's tongue wandered on his inner thighs. _This dream will never end._

 

"K-k-k-k... sssh... don't..." Haise let out a plea "D-d-d-don't... ah!"

 

Arima was kissing his member. Carefully, slowly, taking his time. He heard his lover trying to say something, probably to protest or maybe ask for more. Anyway Arima was willing to take his time here. _You'll be fine, Haise. I won't rush anything._ He knew he was playing a dangerous game, though. He knew they were supposed to meet to talk about the mission soon. He didn't care. He couldn't care about anything but Haise. He took the boy in his mouth with no warning and enjoyed the long moan Haise made. Arima's dick twitched in his pants as warmth filled his chest. Haise was feeling good, Haise was feeling so good after such an awful time... He needed it, he needed to see Haise like this. _More..._ He bobbed his head faster. He was probably a little bit clumsy, he always was when he was trying to make things good for his lover. And Haise gasped a strangled scream.    

 

"Uuh... K-kishou... I lo... ah!... love you!"

 

But Haise still was insecure and kept repeating he loved him, he loved him so much, so so much. It was painful but Arima never stopped. Haise's fingers were ruffling his hair messily, trying to show him love. Arima's hands wandered on Haise's back. The boy was close. His entire body was trembling, Arima could hear his nails scratching on the sheets. He mewled confused noises, probably trying to warn him. Arima's hair was gripped in a fistful. Arima liked it. He liked it when Haise let himself be overwhelmed by pleasure. The boy's toes curled and he came with a grunt. Arima swallowed everything until the last drop. _You taste so good, Haise_. He pulled him out and licked his lips. _Nothing tastes better than you._

 

"Kishou..." Haise tried to say between pants "Kishou, I..."  

 

"Sssh..." Arima crawled up and gave him a peck on the cheek "You did perfectly well, Haise."

 

He kissed him, maybe a bit hungrily. He was feeling a bit cramped in his pants, to be honest. _But Haise, this is about you... Not about me... I do this for you, Haise._ He rubbed his tongue against the boy's, making him silently moan as he started to tease his hole.

Haise bit his lover's lower lip in surprise when he felt a finger pressed inside of him. He tasted blood and himself in Arima's kiss. he knew his kakugan was visible now. _Kishou... Give me more_. He broke the kiss to catch his breath. What Arima was doing to him was just... too much... Haise gasped and moaned softly as he felt Arima’s finger enter him more. It felt good. It felt so good. _Kishou, make me feel real again, please!_ Haise begged within his mind. He wasn't sure whether he should voice his thoughts more, he didn't want Kishou to feel worse... but he was being selfish, or so he thought, just wanting himself to feel better.

 

"Kishou..." Haise spoke his name through a soft moan again. "P-please" his fingers grasped at Arima’s soft hair.

"Can you… c-can you... make me feel real...?" He tried not to let himself start crying.

 

 _Focus on Kishou, you can do this._ He shook his head a little, closing his eyes. Arima stalled for a moment, moving to kiss Haise on the lips gently again as he moved his finger in a slow rhythm.

 

"You're real Haise, you're here with me, and I want to show you that you're real, but I don't want to hurt you, okay?" He kisses Haise’s cheek softly. Truly, Haise loved this man, so gentle and caring to him despite everything.

 

"You won't... you won't hurt me Kishou, I trust you. And if it does, hurt at all, I'll let you know." Haise managed the smallest of smiles, cupping Arima’s cheek in his palm lightly.

Arima smiled softly in return, tilting his head to give a kiss to Haise’s hand.

 

"Alright," Arima nuzzled his neck gently, finger moving a bit more quickly as he pushed in and out. He inserted another another one slowly, gently moving them and stretching him carefully, just a little.

 

"Aaah... Kishou... Kishou... I need more... I need... Ahaaa..."

 

Haise could barely talk. Arima felt... perfect. He was soft, maybe a little too soft but... _It's okay, Haise. Just focus on him._ He was a bit tight but not enough for Arima's digits to hurt him. He just had to relax, he just had to enjoy. He just had to feel.

 

"Ki...shou!"

 

He needed to speak his name. He tried his best to be quiet enough. _I want to feel! I need to feel! Kishou!_ His words died in his throat. Arima knew where to touch and Haise was a mess again. He was pretty sure he was drooling, clinging onto Arima the best he could, trying not to dig his nails too deep into that skin.  

"Haise, don't hold back..." Arima purred before sucking at his neck hungrily.

 

Haise was glad he was a half-ghoul, he wouldn't have to worry about marks. He moaned again. Arima had inserted a third finger and Haise didn't really know what he was thinking except it was good. Really good. He was forgetting about everything else. He was good. But he needed more. 

 

"Ki...shou... please... I want to feel... you!" _Kishou... I need you... I really need you..._ "Please, I need you... to feel alive."

 

"H-haise" Arima was feeling his trousers get tighter, breathing hot breath against his lover’s neck. "I... I need you as well" he purred softly, biting softly at the flesh of Haise’s jaw and neck.

 

Haise was delicious, he really tasted good. That might have just been the ghoul portion of himself talking, but it still made him hungry for more. He shouldn't be, he was more human. But Haise was irresistible really. After a few minutes longer, Arima sat up, removing his fingers carefully from Haise. The boy let out a disappointed mewl and he felt desperate for the full feeling to return.

 

"K-kishou, more..." He panted, glancing at him with half lidded eyes.

 

Arima sat back, fumbling with the belt on his pants, fingers a bit clumsy as he was getting desperate. Haise's hands were on his in a moment, helping him undo those dammed pants. Really, they were both just as desperate. Within a moment, they had managed to tug them down, and Arima sighed as the restraint on his erection was taken away. He felt fingers touching him a moment later, Haise was caressing his member, stroking his fingers up and down it. He rubbed his thumb over the head which was already leaking a little bit of precum already. Arima moaned quietly, breathing heavy already.

 

"Kishou..." Haise's voice was really low and hoarse "I...." Even his strokes were erratic already. _I just want you inside of me. Am I selfish? I just feel complete with you..._

_"_ I know, Haise..." Arima's voice was trembling in need "I can't... anymore..." 

 

Haise stopped touching him to lie down and spread his own legs, blushing at his lewd doing. _I really need you, Kishou._ Arima smiled awkwardly, he had always been a little embarrassed when Haise teased him. He leaned down to kiss him, positioning carefully the head of his cock at Haise's entrance before pushing in softly. _Aaah!_ Haise would have screamed if his lips weren't so busy. _Kishou..._ The kiss was eager, saliva was rolling down his chin. _Kishou, I love you._ Arima waited a little while to let him adjust. He broke the kiss and looked at him in the eyes. Behind his glasses, Haise noticed a gaze clouded with lust. He couldn't help smiling. The view was just perfect. 

 

"Haise... are you okay?" 

 

"Y-yeah..." the boy hooked his legs around Arima "Pl-please move."

 

"Nn… Haise..." Arima moaned his name, biting softly at his neck. "You feel good Haise, so good..." He pushed further in gently, being careful.

 

"K-kishou!" Haise gasped, fingers gripping at his lover’s back, nails digging in a little bit.

"Kishou, you feel good, I-I already feel full, but I... I want more, Kishou, I want all of you!" Haise was moaning quietly between words, panting heavily.

 

Slowly, Arima pushed in more, until his entire length was buried in Haise. They both felt good this way, complete, whole, like nothing else mattered. Arima leant up a little, panting as he looked down at Haise. His face and expressions during sex were always so beautiful.

Cheeks flushed deeply, mouth open as he moaned Arima’s name. His skin was almost glistening in the low light of the room, small beads of sweat forming as he got worked up, and his beautiful, fluffy hair was a mess. This was truly one of the best sights, only to be made better when the corners of Haise’s lips turned up to form a pleased smile.

 

"I know I've said it a lot already..." Arima gasped softly as he felt Haise’s legs tighten around his waist, pulling him closer. "But you're beautiful Haise, stunning, when you're undone like this. I... I love you so much" he was losing the ability to speak full sentences without starting to gasp or moan.

 

"Kishou, just, just keep going, kiss me again" Haise tangled his fingers into Arimas hair, tugging his head down some to kiss him, tongue brushing against his already wet lips.

 

Haise felt like crying. It was silly, so silly but he felt too good after... all this. He felt good, relaxed, complete, himself... loved. He kissed Arima back messily, trying to swallow all his tears into that kiss but he couldn't... he couldn't. Few escaped him, rolled down his cheeks and melt with the drop of their saliva. They parted, panting. Arima was looking at Haise with a sad smile, he said how Haise was beautiful again. It made him cry more. 

 

"I'm-I'm so-sorry... Pl-please don't stop... I don't know what's going on with me..." he sobbed grossly. 

 

"Sssh Haise. Nothing's wrong with you, you're perfect, you're beautiful. It's okay to cry, you're even more beautiful with your eyes sparkling like that..." Arima whispered in his ear, never changing the pace of his hips.

 

Well, Haise needed comfort and he was providing him some. And it wasn't even a lie. Haise was beautiful. He was so beautiful when he flung his head back half-crying, half-moaning. So beautiful when he called for Arima as the man softly kiss his neck. Beautiful... 

 

"Ki-Kishou I'm... I'm gonna..."

 

"H-haise it's okay, I'm... I'm close too..."

 

Arima was panting, his kisses getting sloppy. He continued his thrusts, his pace quickening but he remained gentle always. Arima was sucking and biting at Haise’s neck, thankful again that the marks would heal up soon.

"H-haise... Haise" Arima was panting his name, kissing messily up his jaw and to his lips again.

 

"Kishou I'm–I'm so close!" He gasped against Arima’s lips, trying to kiss back but he was right on the edge and could barely control himself.

"More, Kishou!" He begged, catching Arima’s lips between his teeth as he bit softly.

 

Haise still wanted more, he wanted to feel it. Arima was a little nervous, but he wanted him to feel good, so he put a little more force into his thrusts, going deep. Haise mewled against his lips, moaning Arima’s name along with profanities as he felt his prostate being touched over and over. It really did feel amazing.

 

"F-fuck, Kishou, a-ah!" He cried out a moan as he finally climaxed, his seed spilling over Arima’s stomach and his own, leaving a hot sticky mess. The cry was swallowed in the kiss, and so was Arima’s, tongues pushing against one another and teeth clicking. It was quite messy. Arima had reached his climax shortly after Haise, feeling and hearing that moan pushed him to the edge, and he came. He filled Haise, and he took every drop.

 

"K-Kishou," he panted, head laying back on the pillow.

"You...you're so good at making me feel full, I... love this feeling." There was a tired smile on Haise’s lips as he enjoyed feeling Arima’s warmth within him.

 

"I love you, Haise..." Arima whispered, his voice tired all of a sudden. He withdrew from the boy to lie onto his back. Haise curled onto his chest and Arima's fingers ran into the fluffy locks.

"I had missed that, Haise. I..." _Am I silly? Saying such things..._ "Sorry..." 

 

"Don't be..." Haise's voice was almost a whisper "I had missed that too. As if it belonged to another world..." Haise seemed to think about something "Kishou, I..." 

 

"Don't say anything, Haise." Arima knew exactly where the boy was heading "Please don't even talk about it... Just rest against me, okay? Just stay with me a little more. It doesn't matter, nothing matters... Just you..." 

 

"Kishou..." Haise blushed, stunned and happy as he heard such words. _Kishou, thank you_. He cuddled his lover. A sweet white and warm fog invaded his mind. His eyelids closed. He fell asleep.


	12. The more I do wrong, the more my love grows deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will be longer since I wanna be over with it the sooner

Haise blinked several times. His mind was foggy, his body felt so light… No entrapment, no nothing. _Where…?_ And then suddenly he seemed to remember everything. Arima. The kiss in the elevator. The desperate sex. He smiled. It might have been awkward but it had felt very nice. He had missed that, such a connection. He looked around for Arima but the man was nowhere to be found. Haise sat on the bed and stretched lazily. It had the unpleasant sensation of forgetting something important. And then he saw his dress perfectly folded on the chair near the bed, with his underwear, wig and shoes as well. Everything fell back on his shoulders all of a sudden. _Right… Now I’ve to go back… To him…_ He trembled and bit his lower lip. He got up angrily, catching his clothes and went to the bathroom. He had to clean his face, the crying and kissing had made a mess of his pretty makeup. He put his wig back on. _Where have you gone, Kishou?_ He was just done freshening up when he heard some noise. He came back to the room and saw Arima. He looked concerned.

 

“Kishou… is everything alright?” Haise asked in a voice tinged with fear.

 

“Aah… It’s… Matsuri… we’re late for the meeting. It’s… 3pm already.”

 

“Wh-what?” Haise choked on his own words. “So late…” _We’re dead._ A voice whispered softly in his head. _Haise, what did you do? Why did you choose that option?_

“I guess we don’t have a choice…” Haise was silent now, Sasako was speaking “We should hurry and go meet my husband, Nobu-san.”

 

Arima didn’t reply, he bowed softly and opened the door. Sasako grabbed her shopping bags walked out, Haise followed playing with the ring on his left hand. They went straight to Matsuri’s room in complete silence. Sasako knocked and they both entered the room. Matsuri was sat on the suite couch, reading some newspaper. The look he gave them made Haise feel nauseous and scared but Sasako just blushed and lowered her eyes a little. Since Arima was standing behind her, she couldn’t see her face and Haise hoped the act wouldn’t hurt the man too much.

 

“You’re late…” Matsuri’s voice was cold and sharp. He got up and came near her. He put two fingers under her chin to make her face him. Haise shivered. But Sasako stood firm. “Where were you?”

 

“The shopping session lasted longer than expected, I’m sorry…” Sasako breathed slowly, Haise felt like throwing up hearing her words “Honey, I’m sorry I should have called you and…”

 

“Enough…” his fingers went from Sasako’s chin to her neck and wrapped themselves around it softly. Haise was panicked. Sasako just a bit embarrassed she made her husband angry. _His hands are on me again, I can’t, I can’t… And Kishou… Oh Kishou!_ Haise was about to cry again but Sasako was strong enough to hide his tears in her big eyes.

 

“You smell like… sex, Sasako. I didn’t know lady Asano was that kind of woman.”

 

Haise felt like his heart had just been pierced. He felt cold all of a sudden. He was pretty sure he was shivering, his lower lip trembling. He played with his wedding ring even more, he had to keep composure. _It hurts… He’s touching me… I wanna run away… Kishou!_ Haise tried to give a look in the man’s direction but Sasako didn’t want to move her head. She was blushing even more. _You disgust me._ But she managed a smile. _Just push him away, slam the door and go away. With Kishou._

 

“I… Baby, you’re mistaken…” No. Why did she have to pick the very word Haise usually use to call Arima? Why was she doing this? “I would never... never…”

 

“You’re a good girl, Sasako.” Matsuri’s fingers were squeezing her throat a little more “You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”

 

Why did they have to keep the act up when they were alone with nobody to see them? Haise didn’t like how Sasako behaved, it was repulsive. It wasn’t her fault though, he knew that very well. He gasped under Matsuri’s slight pressure. _Why? I don’t have to be her, no one is looking. Why is he doing this to me?_ Sasako put softly her right hand on the one Matsuri had her neck, slowly stroking it with slight movements of her thumb. _Please that’s enough, enough, enough!_ He wanted to throw up, he felt trapped in his own body. Sasako managed a small smile. He had no control over her. _You deserve it, you deserve it, you deserve it._ But Matsuri’s hand didn’t move away. Sasako’s mask cracked for a second. Haise revealed.

 

“Pl-please stop… d-don’t hurt me… I-I’ll be good…” Haise stammered. _You’re weak, Haise._

 

“Sir, let go.” Arima’s voice wasn’t so composed either. He was afraid. He couldn’t really make a move or Haise would be hurt. But he couldn’t just stay silent and watch. “It’s my fault, I was supposed to watch over her.”

 

Matsuri gave him a look full of contempt and finally removed his hand from Haise’s neck. He was smirking and Arima couldn’t help the fear to rush into his veins. _Haise… Haise are you okay?_ He fought the urge to take him into his arms, to rub his hair and back, to tell him everything was okay, he was safe now, he was with him. _The nightmare just started…_ Matsuri went back to sit on the couch and made a gesture for Haise to sit next to him. _They are going to be too close again._ Arima couldn’t bear such sight. He took Haise’s shopping bags and went to put those new clothes in Haise’s closet. At least he wasn’t facing them, at least he… A tear rolled down his cheek and he was relieved none of them could see that. _Haise, it took me so long to make you feel like yourself again. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to put you in such situation._

 

“Did you hear something interesting, at least?”

 

“Yes. Lady Asano kept mentioning some entertainment, it’s obvious she was talking about the auction. And she told me she wanted me to have dinner with her, it’s the word she used. She meant the buffet, I think.”

 

“Did you tell her about your food problem?”

 

“Yes. I told her I was on a very strict diet and she told me not to worry. That this is a dinner for people on strict diets. I… I haven’t said yes, yet. I told her I’ll talk to my husband about it.”

 

“And you managed that on a single shopping session? This is really… impressive.”

 

“Th-Thank you.” Sasako blushed but Haise wasn’t sure it was a compliment.

 

Arima was almost done with Haise’s clothes. He heard some noises coming from them but decided not to look. _He’s probably touching his cheek or whatever, just to remind him… Shit! I can’t do anything anyway, looking at them would just be painful._ The dress Haise had bought for the party was beautiful. Black, long, backless… Haise would be stunning in it with his long black hair. Arima turned around. Matsuri was softly stroking Haise’s face with the back of his fingers but the look in his eyes… _Haise, you’re not safe. Please, Haise, run!_

 

“And you…” Sasako’s voice was soft and she took Matsuri’s hand in hers, entwining their fingers together. Haise liked it better. He couldn’t stand it when the man touched his face. “Did you learn something useful?”

 

“The ghoul in charge of the auction is in the Presidential suite but the security there is really low. He must have confidence in his ghoul abilities, he would be a tough opponent I guess. Otherwise I saw some other people who could be ghouls as well. But we can’t really know. This auction is tricky. The holder is both a ghoul and a well-known mafia boss. I assume some humans are participating in the auction as well.”

 

“Hu-humans?” Arima could hear a bit of Haise in Sasako’s voice.

 

“Yes, humans.” Matsuri’s voice was still cold and piercing when he spoke “Mostly body parts are sold during this auction but the most valuable prizes are still alive human beings. Some people related to human-trafficking must be here as well…”

 

_And you thought you were in living hell? How fool of you! I bet any of those humans would be happy to be in your shoes right now!_

 

“Still alive human beings, that is…” Haise’s voice died in Sasako’s throat, she lowered her head “They must be kept somewhere but I’m not sure lady Asano knows about it…”

 

“Don’t worry.” For one second Matsuri’s voice almost sounded kind and comforting “It’s my part of the job, just focus on getting us an invite.”

 

_You can’t help them…_

 

“I don’t see why it’s so important…” Sasako was being really quiet all a sudden.

 

“The buffet is made of human flesh so we can assume all the people attending it would be ghouls, contrary to the auction per se. Cannibals aren’t galore amongst humans. And not eating at such a party would be suspicious.”

 

“I see…” Haise played nervously with his wedding ring. “And what if we run into some… humans?”

 

“Humans are not our problem. The CCG warned the local police about our mission but this is the only thing we can do. We’re not here to save hostages or stop the mafia, we’re just here to kill that bunch of ghouls.”

 

“But…” Haise started with his own voice, unable to keep the act up.

 

“Enough!” Matsuri’s voice was incisive, Haise froze on the spot “We’ve reasons to believe Aogiri is the one bringing in the humans to be sold. If the auction disappears, they’ll be at loss and probably make mistakes or very bold moves, giving us a chance to catch them or at least find a better lead.”

 

“Oh… I see…” Haise looked at his feet, playing even more with his ring. _Makes sense, it’s a very well-thought plan._ It was hard for him to admit it but Matsuri was right on this one. _We can’t save everyone… And our main target is Aogiri._

 

_By ‘everyone’… you mean also you, right?_ Sasako’s voice whispered in his mind and he tensed.

 

“When are you supposed to meet lady Asano again?” Matsuri asked.

 

“Tomorrow morning, in the garden.”

 

“Hmm… I’ll go with you then.”

 

“You shouldn’t really bother…” Sasako tried. _Don’t come. Leave me alone._

 

“It’s not a request. We must be seen together. And you know it.”

 

_Oh yes, you know. You know…_ Sasako’s tone was almost mocking.

 

***

 

At least the flowers were beautiful. At least he could look at such beautiful thing despite the situation. At least he could glance at Arima. At least he wasn’t alone in this.

 

_But you are alone. Open your eyes! Why can’t you see?_

 

If only Sasako could stop… If only she could let him watch over the man he loved without being so intrusive. If only she could stop reminding him Matsuri was the one holding his hand. If only she could let him dream a bit. _I need to escape. If not physically, at least mentally. I need to escape, I need to escape, I need to…_ They had come a bit early. To watch the flowers, like a normal married couple would do. Matsuri wasn’t too close, that was a good thing. After all, Haise was a disgusting creature, there was no reason for the man to get that close if not necessary… right? Haise could feel Arima’s eyes on him and it reassured him a bit. _She’s wrong, I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I am not alone._ It was hard to convince himself. Even if Arima was here, only few meters away, watching over them as a bodyguard would, Haise felt like he wasn’t reachable. _I could take few steps, reach a hand… but I’m not sure I could touch him. I’m not sure I could reach him._ It was like they lived in different worlds, watching each other through an unbreakable glass. Able to be seen, unable to be reached. _I am not alone._ They walked a bit on a small path. This could have been very pleasant if Matsuri’s presence wasn’t so oppressive. Haise felt like his hand was rotting in his. Burning. Rotting. _He corrupts everything he touches and that includes me._

 

“Good morning, Sasako-san. Fujisaki-san.”

 

Haise was caught off guard by lady Asano’s voice. He was so lost in self-contempt he hadn’t even seen her coming. She bowed her head slightly. Sasako and Matsuri did the same. Arima took a step back from them, to play the act of respecting their privacy. Not that he wanted to though.

 

“Good morning, lady Asano” they all said.

 

“The flowers are really beautiful at this hour, aren’t they? It almost feels like they’re waking up just in front of us.”

 

“Beauty awakening is always a beautiful thing to see” Matsuri said as he glanced at Haise and lady Asano giggled as he did so.

 

“D-Darling…!” Sasako faked embarrassment. Haise was disguted. Arima was pained.

 

“I should let you between girls now, I’ve… work to do” Matsuri’s voice seemed a little sad.

 

“Oh no! Please stay!” Lady Asano insisted “I asked for coffee and snacks to be served in the garden. But of course if you really have to go…”

 

_Snacks? Wait, she means…_ Of course, Matsuri was about to refuse and Haise felt somehow relieved. He liked it better when the man wasn’t around, obviously. But Haise didn’t notice how Arima’s eyes had widened at the lady’s words.

 

“That’s very sweet of you.” Matsuri said very politely “I guess work can wait a little more. After all, this is our anniversary.”

 

“Honey…” Haise couldn’t believe it. No way Matsuri could put himself into eating… _that_ “Are you sure?”

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry” he put softly his hand on her back “I’d like to get to know this friend of yours, Sasako.”

 

“This way, please.”

 

Lady Asano gestured her hand to a small table in the center of the garden. They all sat except for Arima who stood behind Haise, laying on him a gaze that was both affectionate and truly worried. Lady Asano seemed to notice it but make no comment. She just smiled at him. _She suspects something._ Arima wasn’t a fool, he knew his act wasn’t exactly good, for watching the love of his life being touched by such a man was probably the most painful thing he ever experienced so far. _If she asks, I’ll just say I’ve feelings for… Sasako-sama._ They chatted a little bit about banalities, flowers, their married life until a girl came to serve them coffee and… well, they weren’t even trying to make it look like something else to be honest. _The hotel may be only filled with people linked to the auction in some way_ , Arima concluded, _sellers or buyers but only with people who can see human parts without flinching._

 

“I’m glad you could stay, Fujisaki-san. I had an important matter to discuss with you” lady Asano sipped some of her coffee “You aren’t really here for your anniversary, are you?” She wasn’t subtle anymore.

 

“We are…” Matsuri’s voice was calm and really composed. As if having coffee and human flesh for breakfast was a normal thing to him. _Well… it actually is_ , Arima reminded himself “It’s really our anniversary so I thought about buying my wife a… special gift” Matsuri put his hand on Sasako’s in a gesture that was meant to be caring.

 

“Oooh…” Lady Asano flashed a smile “How sweet of you! Sasako-san, you’re lucky to have such a loving husband!”

 

“Indeed, I am…” Sasako replied. Her voice sounded shy but Haise was in fact crying on the inside. _Kishou. Save me, Kishou._

 

“You two must come to the buffet, tomorrow night then. Believe me, social connections are the best way to win auctions!” She grabbed a piece of human flesh and held it before her mouth “And the food they serve is so delicious…”

 

She put the piece of meat inside her mouth and closed her eyes. Haise was stunned and watched her as she chewed. She only opened her eyes again when she had swallowed it all. _Smart_ , Haise admitted, _this way her kakugan are hidden. And she looks so refined and humble when she eats._ He did the same as her, reopening his eyes when he felt his kakugan had completely receded. And he saw Matsuri was eating too, his eyes closed as well, and felt deeply shocked. How far the man was willing to go just for a mission? Haise was disgusted and fascinated at the same time. Of course, he wasn’t aware of the Washuus’ true nature…

 

“It’s really good…” he said as he was done “This food is high quality.”

 

“Yes…” Sasako wrapped her fingers around her cup “It’s really something…”

 

“Isn’t it?” Lady Asano tilted a bit her head as she drank some more of her coffee.

 

_There’s something tricky about this woman_. Arima couldn’t help such thoughts, he couldn’t tell why… A gut felling. _Well, she recruits buyers, I guess it’s normal she acts so pleasant and seductive but…_ She was looking at Haise and Arima didn’t like the sparkle she had in her eyes. He shook his head. _Aaah… I guess I’m just being paranoid._

 

“But, honey” Matsuri put some of Sasako’s hair behind her ear “I’ll buy you something even more tasty…”

_Yes, I’m being paranoid. Matsuri is the real danger here._


	13. My head is in the dirt

He couldn’t sleep. Again. _My body is heavy and warm. My head is heavy and warm. My chest is heavy and warm._ The buffet was supposed to be held on the following day and Haise wasn’t really sure he was ready. He had a bad feeling about it. And hearing Matsuri breathing not so far from him wasn’t of any help. _My arms are heavy and warm. Numb. Limp. My entire body is relaxed. My stomach is warm. Heavy. Relaxed. I am heavy. I am warm. My legs are relaxed._ He could almost feel himself floating away. He wasn’t even here anymore. The sheets on his skin seemed so distant. He felt like in a dream. He knew he wasn’t though. _Heavy, heavy, heavy. Warm, warm, warm. My heart beats slow. And I’m relaxed._ The man had never tried anything when they were in bed, though it was the moment when Haise was the most vulnerable… and Arima not here. He could have done things to him than the Reaper would never know and… Haise shook his head. _Don’t think about it. You’re safe. You’re fine. You’re warm and heavy and relaxed._

 

“Sasaki…”

 

It seemed to him he heard something but he couldn’t really be sure. He was half-here, auto-hypnotized as he was working on getting his body warm and heavy and relax. He was thinking about stuff, vaguely aware it implied his love life with Arima but he couldn’t say exactly what. It was pleasant though and it helped him with the knot in his stomach. _Safe and sound. You’re warm and Kishou has wrapped his arms around you. He plays with the bangs on your forehead and tells you how beautiful you are. As a warm flow goes through your body, bringing you at peace. You’re so warm and heavy and relaxed._ He was floating over the bed. He felt lost into nothingness. A warm and comforting nothingness. Like a mother womb. He had nothing to fear here. He felt something like a hand on his shoulder. _Kishou…_

 

“Sasaki, are you asleep?”

 

_Warm, warm, warm. Your heart is beating slow, very slow. You’re at peace. Kishou is watching over you. You’re safe._ Wait a second… Something was wrong. Reality came to crack the thin veil it took him so long to build. _Kishou is not here physically, there’s no way I…_ He focused his mind back on his surroundings and his heart started to beat too fast again. He still was warm and heavy. He was so used to autogenic training he could stay in his state quite easily. _I’m warm and relaxed but I’m here. Relaxed but here. Here… Here…_ There indeed was some hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw Matsuri was sitting on the bed. Haise’s heart skipped a beat. _Warm. Relaxed. Heavy. And safe._

 

“Is something wrong?” Haise asked with a tired voice. He could be wrong but Matsuri seemed a bit at loss, or maybe it was because he hadn’t his glasses on. Not that he cared though… _I just don’t want to be blamed for not acting like I am supposed to._

 

“I can’t sleep.” The man wasn’t even looking at Haise when he said so. As if he were… ashamed. Haise’s guard raised up though. _Do not trust him._

 

“Why?” Haise rolled on his side as the warmth and heaviness started to leave his body.

 

“I don’t know…” Matsuri lied onto his back and put both his hands behind his head, watching the ceiling “I’ve a bad feeling about tomorrow’s dinner, not you? I feel like we’ve missed something important.”

 

“We’ve paid attention to everything though…” Haise’s voice was still sloppy and the last thing he wanted to do was comforting this man. _But I have to…_ “It’s normal to be stressed before such a huge mission.”

 

“I know… but this is nothing I’m usually experiencing before an important mission.” He glanced at Haise. “I feel… Anyway nevermind.”

 

“We acted good, we paid attention to every detail, we have been careful. All according to the plan.”

 

Haise’s voice was a whisper. Couldn’t this man leave him alone? _But Matsuri is human after all, he has feelings and… what am I doing?_ Haise was feeling nauseous and he rolled on his back to look at the ceiling too. _He’s using me, right? Of course he is using me… I hate him, I despise him, I do!_ Haise was biting his lips. What was he supposed to do? Be Sasako? Haise Sasaki? Or just himself? _Just focus on your body, Haise. You’re warm and heavy. Nothing else matters. Warm and heavy, warm and heavy._

 

“It all went too well, I guess this could be a trap.” Matsuri had sat again and was staring at some spot in front of him. “But we have no other lead.”

 

“Well…” Haise gave up on his training and sat too. He could only see shapes in this dark room but it was enough. He didn’t want to see the man too well. His mind was still a bit foggy.

“You’re telling me this in the middle of the night. I can’t do anything to change it now and you know this. You really like to put me against the wall, don’t you? It’s fine, don’t hold back. Go ahead and humiliate me.” _Arima isn’t here to see…_ “It’s not like you can resist it, anyway…”

 

He heard the sound of the slap before he actually felt it. _I was right._ Haise panted heavily. _He can’t help himself. When I’m around he must knock me down._ He was about to touch his cheek but received another one. And another one. It hurt. But Haise said nothing. He didn’t even make a noise of pain. _Kishou, forgive me._ He was trembling, hoping Matsuri wouldn’t hit him much. He’d heal anyway but… _Forgive me, I needed to know he can’t resist it._ But he had stopped and was now cupping Haise’s cheek in his hand. _I needed to know his weakness._

 

“Tsss…” Matsuri spat as he stroked the skin he had just hurt “I’m wasting my time, trying to help such a disgusting creature like you.” Haise was wrapping himself in his own arms and it took him all the courage in the world to carry this on. “I really was just trying to warn you, honestly…” Matsuri continued and his face was now so close Haise could feel his breath on his skin. “Go back to sleep.”

 

Matsuri let go of his face. _I’m sorry, Kishou. But now I know._ Haise curled up under the blanket in fetal position. _He can’t destroy me. I’m his own weakness._ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. _Warm and heavy. I’m strong and I’m safe._

***

 

Haise sighed. _This is all going to be okay._ Though he couldn't get Masturi's words out of his mind. _He had a bad feeling, maybe he wasn't playing some tricks_... He shook his head. _He was playing me around._ Haise readjusted his wig, rearranged his makeup. He had to be perfect. Tonight was the night. As he looked at his reflection, he caught Arima's eyes. The man was laying on him a look full of love and it gave Haise strength. 

 

"Kishou..." he whispered as he smiled a bit. 

 

"You look really great, Haise." Arima said as he softly touched Haise's naked back "You are more beautiful than ever."

 

He leaned down to kiss his cheek, pretending not to hear Matsuri's nasty remark in the background. _Haise is my fiancé. Sasako can pretend to be your wife but Haise is mine_. He played a bit with the hair of her wig. _And I'm his._

 

"Kishou, careful! I spent hours on that makeup!" Haise faked anger.

 

A small laugh escaped Haises lips after he had playfully warned Arima about his makeup. He glanced up a moment later and gave a gentle smile. Somehow, despite what was happening, having Arima by his side, even if only briefly, made him happy.

 

"I know, Haise, and it looks wonderful" Arima smiled softly in return, continuing to gently play with strands of hair from the wig.

 

"Th-thank you... I hope it's enough to please everyone else as well."

 

Haise reached out a hand, gently holding onto the front of Arimas shirt. He wanted to get closer, to tuck himself into Arima’s embrace and cuddle himself against his chest. He felt ever so safe there... but Matsuri was watching. Making rude remarks as well, of course. But he couldn't seem to find it within him to care at the moment.

 

"You look nice as well, Kishou, very fancy."

 

Haise let out a soft hum, hands wandering to his chest and smoothing out the fabric of his dress shirt. He was still only acting as the guard, but Haise had to admit he looked very handsome in this attire. His fingers lingered on his chest a while longer, trailing to his shoulders, rubbing gently and smiling lightly as he did so. Haise hesitated a moment, a little worried because of Matsuri. _He doesn't matter Haise, let him throw his remarks around, they can't hurt you right now._ He smiled to himself, feeling Arima’s hands rest on his hips. Carefully, he pulled Arima a bit closer, guiding him down for a soft kiss. _I love you, Kishou._   He wished he could speak it out loud.

 

Haise was pretty sure Matsuri said something but he couldn't hear him. He put his hand on Arima's neck to bring him closer. He'd probably have to redo his lipstick after but this was so worth it. _I love you, Kishou._ It echoed in his mind as he deepened the kiss a bit. He needed to feel him. He needed to kiss him so badly before all this silly act. Arima tasted good as always. Haise wouldn't stop and Arima's hands tightening on his hips were so... They had to part to catch their breathes and Haise saw Arima smile. It was such a radiant smile. It felt like ages since he saw that smile. 

 

"Haise... wow! I... I love you so much..." Arima said so naturally it was like there were alone in the room.  

 

"I love you too..." Haise whispered as he swabbed Arima's lips with a clean tissue "That's a shame" he teased "lipstick looks good on you." 

 

"That's enough" Matsuri's hand had caught Haise's wrist and was squeezing it to the point it hurt. Haise would have been marked if he weren't a ghoul "Stop fooling around and get ready, those people don't wait."

 

"Fine." Haise muttered, eyes narrowing just a tad as he looked at Matsuri's hand on his arm. A faint mark was forming already under his rough hold, despite his ghoul nature. It would be gone shortly, of course, but it was still strong enough to even cause the mark in the first place.

"Now, would you kindly let me go, _dear_?" 

 

Haise practically spat the last word. It was a dangerous game to play and he knew it, because as he said those words the grip tightened. It felt as if his arm would break soon if he put any more force. Though he's sure he heard a small snap in there somewhere. Truly, he hated this man. Arima was gritting his teeth, and he looked as if he were about to speak up.

Haise spoke first though, through clenched teeth as well.

 

"You may actually leave a mark on my pretty skin, you know? And how would that look to the guests, bruising in the shape of fingers. Surely you wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea?" Haise's voice was teasing, but dangerous.

 

Arima wasn't sure how to intervene, really. But he felt bad for not doing anything.

 

"Shut your mouth and go get ready" Matsuri spat his words as well, shoving Haise away by the arm he had already injured.

"Pathetic excuse for a ghoul." He muttered under his breath as he walked away, the door seeming to slam shut a moment later.

 

Haise let out a heavy sigh a moment later, shaking a little as he held his arm in his other hand. Matsuri had almost knocked him over with that shove, but he managed to keep his balance. A hiss of pain escaped his lips and Arima’s hand moved from gently rubbing at his bare back to calm him, to gently holding Haise's arm in his hands.

 

"H-Haise..." He sounded so worried, trying to see carefully, how much damage was done.

 

"It's... it's o-okay." Haise was clearly in pain, but he couldn't cry now, not after working so hard on this makeup.

"It… it should heal." He tried to reassure Arima, and himself.

 

In fact, it started to heal, at least the skin was. Soon enough the mark left by Matsuri's fingers was only a memory. Haise waited a little more but his wrist was still hurting. _Shit._ The only food he had on this mission were the snacks lady Asano offered them... and he didn't really eat much that time. Of course Matsuri was making sure he was taking his suppressants right. _Now we must just pray we won't be attacked. I'm not sure I can summon my kagune if I can't even fix my own bone..._ This idea made him shiver. They were at risk. They had no quinque. Haise was the one to protect Arima and... _You're so weak!_ Sasako chuckled in his ear. 

 

"Haise, are you okay?" Arima voiced in concern as he tried to help Haise standing up.  

 

"Y-yeah... just the shock... I shouldn't have... provoked him like that..."

 

Haise stammered as he tried to move his wrist. It really hurt. _Fuck. This bastard!_ It was his fault and he knew it. It was so tempting now he knew Matsuri's weakness, it was so tempting to fight back but... _This is too early, Haise. Wait for the auction to end. Wait for the mission to be over._

_"_ You're sure? You surprised me there, I never thought you would... ever speak to him like that." Arima was searching his words, not that he was doubting his lover, he was just truly surprised. 

 

"I'm just so tired of it. That wasn't very clever of me..." he looked down on his arm "Obviously." 

 

But well, he was going to act as if it never happened. Haise put some mask on his face, even if those people were ghouls they were still willing to protect their identities. _Understandable_ , Haise thought. The mask was black, to match his dress, it covered only half his face. It was matching Matsuri’s one obviously. Arima’s was as white as his hair. It looked really good on him, Arima had such fine features… Haise fixed his lipstick, readjusted his wig and opened the door, determined. 

 

"So, Nobu-san..." Sasako made sure to speak clearly "Shall we go meet my husband?"

 

Arima sighed lightly, looking at his fiancé from where he stood behind him. He was hurting still, the skin may have healed, but the bone was clearly still damaged. Haise’s hand would twitch every few moments, as if to see if the pain were still there. And then he'd play with the ring some more. Arima felt awful for not stopping him or Matsuri. But the way Haise spoke, so full of bitterness and venom. It surprised him, it really did. Haise was usually so gentle, even in tough situations. Aside from that outburst at the Washuu manor, but that was because Matsuri riled him up. _Haise this isn't like you.._.  he thought to himself, closing his eyes for a moment. He knew Haise was just getting tired, fed up with this whole mess. But he was scared that he'd push it too far and get himself into trouble again. He wanted to apologize more for this mess, putting Haise through so much. It was continuing to weigh heavily on both of them.

 

Arima was brought from his thoughts though as he heard Haise speak up...no...it was Sasako who spoke.

_Nobu-san_ , she spoke in that pretty voice. It saddened Arima that it was being used for such a horrible purpose.

_Shall we go meet my husband?_ she continues, and Arima’s chest felt heavy again.

_But Haise, I'm your husband..._   He wanted to say it out loud, to bring Haise back to reality, but he couldn't.

 

"Yes my Lady, we shall." He managed to answer, but he felt a little distant.

 

Arima’s head felt like it was spinning as he stepped out of the room with Sasako. He had to focus. He couldn't let Haise down. So he focused, on none other than Haise himself of course. Eyes wandering across that bare back of his, the black dress was classy yet still quite attractive. It looked gorgeous on him, as always. The way it hugged his hips and highlighted the curve of his rear.

A small smile formed on Arimas lips as he thought about how nice the dress made Haise's butt look. _He loves to show it off sometimes, cheeky boy_. He almost hummed in brief amusement. The mans gaze wandered to his back again, and he couldn't help but to admire how his lean muscles looked through that opening. It was just enough muscle to appear like Sasako did work out, but not enough to be questionable.

Haise's body was perfect in Arima’s mind, he could watch his lover all day, just admiring his beauty. But their reality was far from being that easy at the moment. He let a soft sigh escape as he glanced away from the boys gently swaying hips and back to where they were headed.

Of course, _he_ was waiting at the end of the hallway.

 

"Darling!" Sasako joyfully let out and Arima's heart almost failed him.

 

_It hurts, Haise. It hurts when you call someone else by this name._ But it was obvious it wasn't Haise, the smile he had on was a fake, his gestures were all fake, how all his body seemed to be _used_ to the touch of that man. _I know it disgusts you, Haise. I know how strong you are._ He was looking at them, he couldn't help himself. When they entered the room, he kept laying his eyes on her. The room was huge and rich, too rich it was aggressive. Lights, golden decorum. _Rich people do have bad taste._ Arima stated.  

 

"I'm Sasako, his wife, pleased to meet you."  

 

Arima heard his fiancé repeat these words over and over again. They introduced themselves as a married couple to so many people Arima had stopped counting. He was just focusing on how Haise was gorgeous not to feel like throwing up at any moment. Especially when they all pretend it was such a normal thing to eat few pieces of raw human meat while discussing the trade of human parts. _Haise, where do you find such strength? I need to hug you so bad now, I can't do it... I can't watch you doing it. I'm so selfish. But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts._ He tried not to think about it but the only thing he could see was Matsuri's hand on Haise's hips. _Take it off!_ Matsuri's fingers stroking Haise's hair and naked back. _Stop!_ Matsuri's lips on Haise's cheek when Sasako was speaking out some nice story about their married life. _Enough!_ His fists were clenched and so were his teeth. He was about to beat that man up, he swore. 

 

"It's painful, isn't it?" He was brought back to reality by lady Asano's voice. He couldn't tell when the woman had taken place by his side but here she was "Watching the one you love with someone else..." 

 

"All do respect, my lady, but I would never dare..." 

 

"Come on" she cut him "It's obvious... The way you look at her... Her husband must have noticed too, this is why he's acting so openly..." 

 

"My lady..." Arima looked down in embarrassment. 

 

"After all, I can't really blame you... Sasako is really beautiful tonight" she said as she started walking towards Haise and Matsuri.

 

"She... she surely is." Arima swallowed hard, feeling a bead of sweat roll down his forehead, under his hair.

 

It wouldn't stop hurting. _Haise I don't know how much longer I can do this. I know it's not you in control, you're probably resting inside, but you can't, you're fearing those touches and words... aren't you?_   Arima continued to stare at the two, watching as Lady Asano soon joined them. _Please, break them apart, just make him go away._ His heart felt tight, and his head felt even lighter.

_Haise, I'm scared. I'm so scared.  He wanted to cry, throw up, leave this place._ The more he watched them, the sicker he felt. Arima couldn't do it any longer, turning around and pressing his hands to the edge of the table, fingers gripping at the silk cloth covering it. Breathing felt difficult, so very difficult. _He loves you Kishou, you can trust him._ He was trying to reassure himself. His heart was racing, but felt so tight in his chest, it hurt. 

Arima closed his eyes, trying to calm down, this was not the time to break, this was the main event, what they were here for. But the sight of the human flesh in bowls upon the table he was standing at didn't help his nausea. His mind was so foggy, he felt almost as if he were floating, and the idea of popping a piece of that meat into his mouth ever so casually crossed his mind.

_You're almost one of them, Kishou. You could do it._ He gritted his teeth. _I can't eat it...I'm more human than them._ He wasn't sure if he was talking out loud or in his head at this point, but he hoped it was the latter. Quickly, one hand moved to his face, moving his mask and rubbing at his eyes a bit harshly.

 

"Just calm down..." He mumbled to himself, barely a whisper.

 

"Are you okay, Nobu-san?" Sasako had put her hand on his arm and the touch was so caring Arima knew it was Haise. Though she managed to keep a distant face, a married woman shouldn't care too much about a bodyguard. "You look so pale, go take some fresh air for a moment."  

 

"B-But my lady... I can't leave you..." Arima stammered. He could really use that break. But having Sasako out of his sight for a second would be a terrible mistake for a man of his profession. 

 

"I'm fine" Sasako flashed a smile "I'll be with lady Asano, do not worry and..." she put a finger on her lips with a grin "No need to tell my husband." 

 

Arima thanked her politely and moved away. He felt so awful, to leave the man he loved like that in a sea full of sharks. But he was of no use either if he was panicking. So he chose to kick his own ass out of the room and walked a bit outside. The fresh air did him good. He tried to reassure himself Haise was doing good. _No need to worry, he's doing way better than you do. This Asano saw right through your "act". You're so bad, Kishou..._


	14. My mind is in the sea

At the reception, Sasako was still introduced to some men, and women. She was mostly trying to map the area as Matsuri asked Haise to. The most important people would meet with him, not his wife, so she was just trying to see how high the security was, how strong the ghouls seemed... It was boring and hard to do when she had to talk about stupid and banal things at the same time. Asano even introduced her to some strange guy... Haise was sure he _sniffed_ his dress and purposely touched his ass. _Of course, there's always a pervert in those kind of parties..._ But he didn't notice anything suspicious about the people he was introduced to. And the security was banal as well. _This mission turns out to be both repulsive and boring..._ Haise sighed as he looked at the clock on the wall. The auction was about to start soon. And he was supposed to meet Matsuri to fill him in. Haise shivered. The place they agreed to meet was... far from the party. And Arima hasn't come back. But Haise had no choice, Matsuri would kill him if he wasn't here on time. So he discreetly left the room and walked into the nearby dark corridor.

 

_Kishou, don't leave me alone with this bastard for too long... please..._ Haise thought as he carefully made his way down the corridor, chills running down his spine and his wrist throbbing as he gripped at the side of his dress anxiously.

 

"It's kind of dark..." he mumbled to himself, Sasako returning to his mind until he could find Matsuri.

 

He continued to walk, a bit nervous as he glanced around. He had a bad feeling about this, but he wasn't sure what it was. Haise wanted to run, leave this corridor and find Arima. He hated being alone like this, in the dark, where ghouls could be lurking or even Matsuri. He felt so vulnerable. The boy jumped slightly when he felt cool air brush against his bare back, but soon calmed some when he saw the window on one side of the wall, open just a crack. The chilled air felt like it surrounded him, and he almost felt trapped. Taking another step forwards, Haise stumbled a little, the clicking of his heels echoing down the hall.

 

"Kishou... come back... come find me, I'm scared." He was murmuring to himself again.

 

"You'll find Matsuri soon" Sasako spoke up, seeming quite calm.

 

"But I don't _want_ to find _him_ " Haise answered his other self. No one was around to hear him talk to himself.

 

"I want to see him. Haise, let's find him."

 

"Shut up, no you don't." Haise felt like he was losing his mind. Why wouldn't Sasako quiet down. He didn't want Matsuri, the thought alone made him feel ill.

 

He continued walking, heels tapping quietly. It felt like he had been walking for ages.

 

***

 

"Haise..." Arima sighed as he leant back on the bench that was outside, the cold air brushing against his face and rustling through his white hair. He had taken off his mask. He felt it was easier to breathe without this thing on.  

 

"It hurts..." He stared up at the sky, raising a hand to wipe at the tears that had begun to fall. He didn't cry often.

 

"How can you do it...?" He was talking to himself as well, but without answer.

 

"I miss you..." He tried to hold it in, but his lip was quivering too badly. Tears rolled down his face as he gasped out a quiet cry, moving his glasses which he had just put back on, so that he could wipe at his face better.

 

"I'm not strong. I-I can't do this... but you need me. Don't you...? I'm scared that you'll forget me... get lost in this nightmare..." Arima continued to mumble to himself, thankfully no one was around.

 

"I have to. Kishou, do it for Haise. Be strong for your fiancé."

 

_But I'm so scared._ His inner thoughts were going against him.

 

"Stay positive, you can protect him." He rubbed at his eyes a bit more, a frown on his lips.

 

***

 

Haise was still walking, hands held to his chest now as he tried to find where ever the hell he was going.

 

"I really hope I didn't get lost... where is that bastard?" He muttered.

 

"Bastard, is it? This is not a nice way to refer to your husband, Sasako..." Matsuri whispered his name so low Haise couldn't help shivering. He noticed the man didn't his mask on anymore.

 

How could he be so careless? Did the man hear his inner struggle between his two clashing personalities? He hoped not. Sasako smiled softly. She too, noticed the man hadn’t his mask on anymore. _Don't answer to that, Haise. It's not worth it._ She took a step forward, leaned back on the wall, looking down at her feet, trying her best to look composed. _Kishou... Where are you, Kishou?_

_"_ Forgive Haise..." Sasako started. Haise tried to silence her but she seemed too powerful now. _No, I don't want this. You have no right, you have no right to erase me!_ He had let her act too much on her own, he had given her too much room. He was afraid. What if he couldn't go back? Would he be that disgusting seductive woman forever? _There's no way! I love Kishou! I must take back control now! Let me come back!_ Sasako frowned and put a hand on her forehead.

"Aaah... He's struggling, he's kicking..." 

 

"Hey!" Matsuri was facing him (her?), his hands holding his (her?) head firmly. He was obviously angry. Feeling his touch disgusted Haise and Sasako took advantage of it.

"Don't lose your mind now, Haise Sasaki!" Sasako put her hands on his shoulders and Haise yelled within. _Don't do that! Kishou! I need Kishou!_

"Or be my guest, come on, lose your mind..." Matsuri's voice had become really dangerous "So I can finally kill you..." 

 

Haise could feel his breath on his skin. Too close, he was too close. Haise wanted to push him away. But his wrist still hurt and Sasako wouldn't let him. On the contrary, she brought Matsuri closer, cuddling herself against the man's chest, inhaling his scent deeply. Haise would have thrown up if he still had control over his body.

_Sleep, Haise. I've got this. I feel good here._ He tried to protest, his voice died in his throat, he felt exhausted. _Close your eyes, Haise. You may rest now. You've fought enough. I've got this now._ Her voice was soothing him, like poison. It was hard to keep his eyes open. He barely felt Matsuri's hands holding him up. He couldn't win. But he wouldn't lose. He chose to back off and watch Sasako piloting his own self. For the moment...

_I'm sorry, Kishou. I can't win this alone. I'll wait for you. Please... save me._ Haise curled up in the corner of his own mind. He watched, crying. But Sasako's eyes were dry. 

 

"I'm sorry" she whispered as she took off her mask and nuzzled Matsuri's neck tenderly. _Kishou, this is not me._ "I'm fine, now." _This is not me._

 

***

 

“Haise…”

 

He should try to get up, really. He was pathetic to stay like this on the bench, crying. _I’m so selfish, Haise. I’m afraid. But you’re the one who suffers the most. You’re the one he…_ He couldn’t even think about it. It made him feel nauseous. He put both hands on his mouth and breathed deeply. In. Out. Slowly. Deeply. He was fine, he wasn’t about to be sick. Fine. Fine. He tried to get up but his legs were so shaky he couldn’t even stand. _I’m so pathetic. If Matsuri sees me like that he’ll laugh at me. I need to be strong._

 

“Haise…” he groaned some as two tears escaped his eyes again “Haise, don’t forget who you are…” he wiped his tears away “Haise, I know it’s a selfish request but don’t forget me…”

 

He fell into tears again. He was lucky nobody was out, really. He was a mess.

 

“I’m so selfish, Haise… Please be strong a little more. I’m coming, okay? I’m coming to save you.”

 

***

 

“And what about the security?”

 

“Two guards at the auction doors, people have their own bodyguards, nothing much…”

 

“It’s a little light for such a big event.”

 

Matsuri and Sasako were close. So close a stranger to the entire scene could think they were flirting. She was resting her head against his chest and he had locked his arms around her. He asked questions whispering in her ear and she answered with a composed voice. Sometimes she was a bit nervous and played with the fabric of his shirt. Each time she spoke she played with the ring on her left hand. They were so close nobody could hear what they were saying. Though it was a bit useless since nobody would come to such a dark hallway when such a huge party was held at the same time. “A precaution” Matsuri said and Sasako agreed. Haise refused but as always he hadn’t been listened to. So he had to endure the sight of his on body in the arms of this man… and having no power over it.

 

“Maybe they are confident enough since it’s a very strict party and…”

 

“Strict?” Matsuri cut her off and stroked her naked back softly “You went shopping twice with lady Asano and you got us an invite. I don’t call that strict…” He paused a moment “It’s as if the auction wasn’t the real event, as if there was something bigger lurking behind the scenes.”

 

“What would it be? The auction already deals with human-trafficking. It’s huge…”

 

“I… don’t know…” Matsuri confessed “I just don’t like it. It’s like they’ve put the guards elsewhere. Somewhere we haven’t thought about…”

 

“Maybe the place where the humans are held? There was no leaks on it, it’s a well-hidden secret.”

 

“I don’t think so…” Matsuri nuzzled Sasako’s neck and she couldn’t help a chill to go down her spine “Aogiri ghouls must guard this secret place. No, it’s something bigger that we don’t know about. You should be ca-…”

 

He stopped all of a sudden and pressed Sasako violently against the wall. Her bare back hit the cold stone and she shivered at the unexpected contact. She was about to ask what this was about and tried her best to silence Haise who started to scream. Matsuri looked over his shoulder. All he could see was darkness. One of his hands was on the wall, the other around Sasako’s waist. Her hands were still tugging at his clothing so the couple act could work if needed. Sasako opened her mouth to talk again but Matsuri had put a finger on his own lips. He was still looking around them. Long seconds of silence passed. Sasako could only hear their breathing and heartbeats. And… something else. It was far though… No it was coming closer. Giggles. The heels of a woman. The deep voice of a man. They were getting close. Haise’s legs started to tremble. _We could just go away…_ Haise thought but he knew they couldn’t. The strangers were close already and they’d find suspicious if they left just when they arrived. _Kishou… Kishou… Help me!_ He knew what was following and Sasako too. She had already put her hands on Matsuri’s neck and was playing with his hair.

 

“You stay quiet and you play your part” he said. Sasako just gave him a nod “Tss…” he hissed “That’s disgusting…”

 

He was far from being kind. This had nothing to do with the kiss in the garden. It was more violent, more savage, all teeth and tongue. Haise wasn’t sure he could do it. _Let these people pass by you, it’ll be over soon enough._ He tried to convince himself. He tried to push him away but Sasako kept the acting up. She clung on his shoulders, tilting her head right, panting, moaning, eyes closed… as if they were actually making out. Haise felt nauseous. The man tasted strangely like human flesh, and Haise was sure his kakugan would be visible by the minute he’d open his eyes. _Kishou, forgive me…_ The hand holding his head was dangerous, the hand placed on his naked back was dangerous. _Kishou, this is not me!_

 

***

  
“And she really said that? No way!”

 

“I can make you a better offer, my friend…”

 

Arima had finally come back to the party and was overwhelmed by all this nonsense those people were speaking. _Haise, where are you? Haise!_ He wasn’t especially feeling better but he had a bad feeling, he couldn’t really explain it but it’d reassure him if he could see his loved one safe and sound. Even by Matsuri’s side, even at lady Asano’s arm. He didn’t care. He had such a bad feeling only seeing him would calm him somehow. But he couldn’t see him. Actually he couldn’t see Matsuri either. Or lady Asano. _I don’t like it._ He decided to check the meeting point they agreed on to report on the situation. But the auction was about to start soon, that was weird. _I really don’t like it._ He was almost running.

 

“Making out? No way!”

 

“I swear! I was there… with him, you know, and we just saw them… all over each other… I wish it was like that with my husband!”

 

Arima froze on the spot. They couldn’t be talking about Matsuri and Haise, could they? But making out… there… husband… when the Fujisakis were the only missing couple… Arima wasn’t stupid, he could put two and two together. _Son of a bitch, you’d better not have done this to him again._ Arima ran again. _I’ll kill you this time, if you’ve touched him I’ll fucking kill you with my bare hands._ He ran faster.


	15. Vultures circling around the sky are hungry and the snakes are coiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, Haisepuff here! Apologies for the late chapter, I'm in charge of the fic now, and had to figure how to post things. Thank you for the patience, and enjoy the chapter! <3

_ No! _ Haise tried to breathe, he felt weak and powerless. The people had passed by them a while ago but Matsuri wasn’t willing to stop. On the contrary, his touch had even become more intimate now they were alone again. Threatening to touch places only Arima was allowed to. He tried to push him away but the man was incredibly strong. He had tried several times to summon his kagune in vain. Even the punch he gave the man’s chest seemed useless. It only made his wrist hurt even more. Sasako was long gone, of course. She had abandoned him. He was alone. And suffering. 

 

“Pl-please stop…” he managed when Matsuri finally stopped trying to kiss him. Haise was ready to beg, he was ready to do anything not to be touched by him. He tried his best not to cry, to look decent at least.  _ Kishou, don’t come. _ He didn’t want his fiancé to see him like this, so powerless under the assault of another man.  _ I can’t do anything. _

 

“This is your fault…” Matsuri whispered in his ear. Haise tried to knock him away but it was useless.  _ I’m a ghoul! Full of suppressants, but still a ghoul! How can he restrain me with his bare fists? He’s just a human, isn’t he?   _ Tears escaped Haise’s eyes. After all, maybe he was right, maybe he deserved it all. For wearing such an outfit, for having played that role too well. 

“It shouldn’t be allowed…” the man’s words were like venom “such an ugly creature like you, being so desirable in that dress… you’ve done this to yourself…”

 

“Kishou…” Haise tried to call, more to cover Matsuri’s poisonous words than anything else. He didn’t know what to say. So he just called for his lover, again and again and again. Until fingers wrapped around his throat. The grip was firm, he could barely breathe.  _ How can he be so strong? _ He cried more. “Ki… shou…” he said with a strangled voice.

 

“You’re pathetic,” Matsuri spat, the grip tightening just enough to almost be lethal. Then, he let go of Haise’s neck, and a gasp for air escaped him. 

“I’m so angry at you…” Matsuri wrapped his arms around Haise, bringing him even closer, pressing more of himself against the boy. Haise was suffocating. It was a miracle he hadn’t fainted yet. He was begging, calling Arima maybe, he didn’t really know. He just wanted it to stop. 

“You deserve everything…” Matsuri was gently playing with the hair of his wig “For what you’ve done to me…” 

 

“No… Please, no more… no more, no more!”

 

Haise was pretty sure he let out a scream when Matsuri’s hands came to grab his ass to pressing them closer together. Haise was about to throw up. Matsuri was hard against him, and it disgusted him, sending shivers through Haise’s body, and not good ones. His heart felt like it had been pierced with cold ice. His mind went completely blank and he felt himself start to disassociate. 

_ This is my fault. _

_ I deserve everything… _

_ I did this to him. _

 

_ Kishou, forgive me. _

 

***

 

Arima was desperate, searching for his love and that bastard of a man. He'd asked a few people if they had seen where the Fujisakis had gone, but it seemed like only that couple had seen them. That was hopeless though, they had already disappeared again into the crowd. And with these masks one, he couldn’t tell anyone apart. His heart was pounding so heavily in his chest he thought his ribcage might break. 

_ Haise where are you? Please tell me you're safe, I'm so sorry _ . Arima was trying not to let himself cry again. He rarely cried, but this was different...It was pathetic though. But he couldn't help it... he was terrified. His mind kept going to the worst outcomes.  _ What if he finally decides to get rid of Haise? What if he's hurt him more? What if... what if what if...  _ Arima shook his head, biting on his lip. 

 

"Don't think like that!" He muttered to himself under his breath, finding the doorway in which he believed lead to the meetup spot. 

 

He stepped through and looked down the hall.  _ It's so dark... it's too dark. Haise, stay safe. _  Arima started walking quickly, looking all around and trying to focus his vision on what he could. The silence was deafening, and the dark made him feel like panicking. The silence was broken though, by the faintest echo of a voice. Was it Haise? His pace quickened and he almost started running.  _ It's Haise! _ He could clearly tell by the voice now, but he sounded so weak, and pained...and, and he was calling Arima’s name.

 

"Kishou, Ki... shou! Help... I can't!"  

 

Arima's heart was pounding far too hard now, it hurt. His mind felt like fire and there was rage building up as he continued to run. 

 

"Haise, just hold on." He almost hissed under his breath, anger pervading his voice as he thought about what he'd do to who ever was hurting his love. Probably him, of course... _ I'll fucking kill you _ . His mind was yelling, shouting about how angry he was. Soon enough, the pair of figures came into his line of sight, and got more clear as he got closer.  _ Matsuri... Haise... Haise is crying. Haise is calling for help. _ His eyes widened as he saw where Matsuri's hands were, as he saw how tightly he was holding Haise against him. 

 

"You son of a bitch. Get off of him!" Arima's voice was dangerous as he ran at Matsuri, fist clenched as he readied himself to knock the bastard out. 

 

His fist connected with the side of his face, and he shoved him away with his other hand as well. It knocked Matsuri down, away from Haise, and he landed heavily against the tiles. The boy was almost knocked over in the process, from Matsuri holding onto him, but he managed to keep his balance until his legs gave out and he slumped against the wall, shaking. 

 

"Don't you ever think about coming near him again." Arima’s voice was low, genuinely threatening. 

"I'll kill you, I'll fucking do it. I don’t care who you are." He practically growled, giving the man a swift kick in the side. 

"Don't touch Haise. Don't hurt Haise. Don't push him too far. That's all I asked of you." He stepped away, taking a deep breath before hurrying to his lover’s side, kneeling down next to him. 

"Haise, Haise I'm right here, I won't let him hurt you anymore." He gently stroked his cheek with his thumb, watching as Haise seemed to come back to reality slowly. 

"I'm right here..." Arima cupped his cheeks gently in his hands, looking at him. 

 

"K...Kishou..." Haise was still shaking, tears flowing. He hoped his makeup wouldn't look too terrible after, if they were to still finish this damned job. He latched onto Arima quickly, fingers grasping tightly at his shirt, trying to get as close to him as physically possible. 

 

"I'm right here," the venom in his voice had long gone, replaced with the gentle and loving tone he normally had. He held Haise in his arms closely, rubbing his back gently, hoping to replace any feeling that man may have left. 

"You don't have to be sorry, you were doing your best..." He sighed softly, listening as Haise mumbled apology after apology. Arima saw Matsuri sitting up, out of the corner of his vision, though, he purposefully ignored him in order to help Haise.

 

He just held him close, pressing a small kiss to the top of his head, trying to pretend momentarily that he hadn't seen the bruising around Haise's neck and throat.

 

***

 

_ I can't believe it. _ Haise's hands were trembling when he passed water on his face. He had locked himself into the ladies room and was trying to make his face look a tad bit less messy. His makeup was ruined. He had to wash and wash again.  _ I can't believe he just talked about the mission as if he never... did such things... to me. _ It felt so unreal. It had been so violent and intense Haise would doubt the reality of it if it weren't for the bruises on his neck.  _ I can't heal... I need to eat.  _ He was thankful he was good enough with makeup to fade the gross marks on his skin. They seemed so light now, almost like...  _ Love bites. _ Haise felt like throwing up.

 

"Look at you..." Sasako whispered in his ear "You've done this to yourself."

 

"Stop," he shivered. Those words, Matsuri's exact words. "I've done nothing, this is not my fault. He did that to me."

"But didn't you agree to everything, child?" Haise was sure he could feel her breath on his skin though it wasn’t technically possible 

"You agreed to the mission, you agreed to wear dresses and makeup for him, you agreed to be his wife, you agreed to be intimate with..."

 

"I never!" Haise slammed his hands on the sink "I never... I never..." 

 

"You're disgusting, Haise."

 

"I know..." He started to cry. He couldn't keep it inside anymore "I know..." he whispered again.

 

He didn't know how long he cried, he was losing track more and more. But he cried until his mind went completely numb. Then it felt as if he was watching himself, doing his makeup just right, adjusting his wig, putting his mask back on. He looked like nothing happened. Except for his neck. But his eyes were empty. Haise was empty. The only way he could cope was to let himself drift away, as if he were running on autopilot, but he still had to act. 

He opened the door and headed back to the party. He had a role to play after all. This wasn't over yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! If you have any questions you can contact me at haisepuff.tumblr.com or @haise_sasakis on twitter! <3


	16. Don’t walk away, the streets are cold

Haise was still angry, still scared. He was letting his body work on its own because he just couldn't handle it anymore. But within his mind he tried to convince himself he could do it. This wasn't his fault, of course it wasn't.  _ Don't listen to them. They just want to break you. Listen to Kishou, listen to your real fiancé. He loves you and told you it'll be okay. He'll kill Matsuri if he tries anything again. _ He watched tiredly as Sasako walked down the hallway as if nothing happened. Even after all that, he expected them to continue on like normal. It was preposterous. He was sure of it now, Matsuri Washuu was his own kind of monster. He hated him more than anything. 

 

But they had no choice but to finish. 

 

_ It's almost over...isn't it? This mission is almost over. You can survive Haise, just be strong for a little while longer. All that's left is the auction and confirming everything. _ He was sure this hell would end soon and the thought relaxed him the smallest bit. He'd be able to go home with Kishou, kissing and cuddling him...   _ getting married _ , he smiled softly within his mind at the thought, forgetting reality for a moment. They'd get married, move somewhere nice with the kids, maybe bring the kids Haise had heard were in Arima’s squad. A big family, happy and safe. It sounded nice. Haise was hopeful for that day. 

 

As Sasako passed by Arima, Haise couldn't help but steal a small glance, his heart aching. 

_ I want to be in your arms _ , he would have cried. It hurt him more, seeing how tired and in pain Arima looked. It wasn't like him. This was his fault... Sasako was probably right. He let himself sink back into his mind, feeling ashamed for everything. This wasn't over quite yet, they were forced to suffer for a little while longer.

 

"Sasako-san?" 

 

Haise was brought back to reality by a hand on his shoulder. He startled before he looked back. Lady Asano. He didn't feel especially relieved and he couldn't tell why. Maybe the memories of what just happened were still lingering on his skin. He kicked himself mentally.  _ Don't think about it. _ It was easier to say than to do though. He felt like he was still covered with Matsuri's scent and it made him want to puke.  _ Enough! You need to eat, you can't afford to be sick right now!  _ He watched Sasako smile. But her eyes were empty. _ You're disgusting, Haise,  _ she spat.

 

"Aaah... lady Asano, you surprised me."

 

"Are you okay? You seem a little out of it." She peered at her face. _Not so close, damnit!_ Haise was afraid she could see the bruises behind his make up. "Ah! I see!" the lady giggled "I understand better why your husband and yourself were missing for such a looooong time!" 

 

Haise felt nauseous suddenly.  _ What? No! _ The thought alone was unbearable. It was like feeling Matsuri pressed against him again.  _ I have  to breathe. It's over now.  _ She took him by the arm and lead him to some round table. Food was put on. It seemed very tasty. Haise was starving. Haise needed to eat. Lady Asano grabbed a piece of meat and brought it to his mouth. 

 

"Come on, eat a bit. You can't let those marks stay on such a pretty neck" she chuckled again. 

 

Haise ate the meat she offered him. It tasted good on his tongue but it was hard to swallow. He ate few others, enough to make his neck heal but no more. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep the food down. 

The food he had eaten was nice, he supposed. Haise hadn't eaten much in a while, and the suppressants he was on made his body weak and made him hungry, so it was nice to get back a small bit of energy, even if he still hated the idea of eating human flesh. Of course, he still felt sick to his stomach, how could he not with everything that had been happening. He just hoped he could hold down those pieces of meat. 

 

"I suppose you're right" Sasako gave a small smile to Lady Asano "They should heal now that I've eaten a little. Thank you." Sasako gave a gentle nod, glancing around. 

 

_ It should be starting soon. _ Haise thought, fidgeting a bit within his mind. He was nervous. 

Haise was thankful to be away from Matsuri for the time being at least, but he was feeling uneasy still.  _ Something doesn't feel quite right, but what is it? _ He sighed inwardly. Sasako was supposed to be getting a little more info out of Lady Asano, to report back to Matsuri before the event started, but he wasn't sure exactly where to start. 

 

"So... will it be starting soon?" Sasako asked Lady Asano quietly, looking towards her. Haise hoped things would go alright.

 

"Yes it shouldn't be long now and..." Lady Asano stopped in the middle of her sentence as if she had just remembered something important "Oh no..." She put a hand to her mouth. Haise thought she was overdoing it but didn't really pay attention. Lady Asano often overdid her act. 

 

_ What is this bad feeling? _ Haise couldn't help but to shiver.  _ Is it because...? _ He was probably still shocked or something, he tried to convince himself. But still... Sasako gave lady Asano a concerned look.

 

"Is something wrong?" Sasako's voice sounded miles away for Haise. 

 

The only thing he could think about was this weird feeling in his chest.  _ Run, run, run, run! _ His inner voice was yelling. But he didn't know why. He fought the urge to look for Arima.  _ Kishou... what's happening to me? _ Lady Asano didn't notice his struggle or if she noticed, she was polite enough not to mention it.

 

"I was so busy looking for you, that I completely forgot I have to do a check up on tonight's articles before the auction starts. Sorry, Sasako-san, but would you mind giving me a hand? It's simple really, we basically just have to check if those humans are still alive..." She waved her hand nonchalantly, as if she was only talking about pieces of furniture.

 

Haise's heart raced wild in his chest. This was an incredible opportunity to find where the storage room actually was. The info was gold.  _ Run now, now, now, now, now. _ The voice kept going in his head. He had to say yes, he had to accept. For the sake of the mission. The sooner it was over the sooner he'd get rid of Matsuri.  _ I'll be back home, with Arima. And the kids. And we'll get married. Soon.  _

 

Sasako smiled. "Of course, this is the least I can do for such a sweet friend of mine."

 

_ RUN. NOW. _ The voice yelled.

 

*** 

 

Sasako’s heels were echoing down the hallway. Lady Asano was humming softly. It was a pleasant and joyful song but Haise couldn’t help feeling stressed, almost panicked to be honest.  _ Something’s wrong. Maybe it’s that man? _ By that man, he meant Lady Asano’s friend. She asked him for help as well. Haise remembered how his hand had brushed his ass before, and he shivered.  _ Calm down… You only react like this because of Matsuri. And Lady Asano is here so nothing would happen. _ He felt cold all the same, and he rubbed his shoulders with the palms of his hands. He chose to focus on his surroundings. He had to remember exactly where they were so he could tell Matsuri later.  _ You’re disgusting, Haise _ , Sasako mocked him,  _ helping the man who’s been abusing you. _ He didn’t answer, playing nervously with his ring. He didn’t really understand… But he had to focus, he had to focus, he had to focus!

 

“Excuse me, my lady” the man said as he put his jacket on Haise’s shoulders “but it’d be a such a pity if you were to catch a cold.”

 

“Ah! Thank you!” Sasako flashed a smile, giving a small laugh.

 

The man’s voice was calm and soothing. The jacket did Haise real good, it was nice not to feel that cold air on his naked back and he felt less exposed. After what happened it was reassuring somehow. The man might be wearing perfume, Haise thought. He smelt a strong scent. It was intoxicating. He started to feel a bit dizzy. Haise continued to walk with them quietly, glancing around every few moments. It was getting a little difficult to focus, his vision fading in and out and his legs feeling a bit heavy. He assumed it was just all the stress, and how exhausted he really was catching up to him. For some reason, having the jacket around his shoulders seemed to calm him, and he could feel the stress lifting away. 

 

_ I wish it were Kishou’s... _ Haise thought as he pulled it closer around his shoulders. The scent was strong to him, but he felt his body starting to relax, so it couldn't be bad. He wondered what the scent was.  _ This isn't right though. _ He heard his mind quietly say as he continued forwards, legs starting to feel more heavy and sluggish.  _ I can't be tired now, I have work to do. Come on Haise _ . He knew he had work to do, but his mind felt too foggy to even think about Matsuri and feel afraid. It felt wrong somehow, not feeling anything this suddenly. But he wasn't sure why. He was finally able to relax, right? 

 

Sasako stumbled slightly as she was losing control of his body slowly, his mind becoming too tired. Haise felt his hands that were holding the jacket begin to feel weaker, and he tried to tighten his grip.  _ This is no time to fall asleep, Haise! _  The voice in his head sounded so distant. Trying to focus on walking was getting increasingly more difficult, and he stumbled a bit more, bumping into the strange man who had lent him his coat. 

 

"I-I'm sorry sir," Sasako stuttered some, trying to catch her balance "I seem to have gotten tired..." She tried to walk normal again, but her control was shifting out and Haise was getting wobbly, shoulder bumping against the man’s arm again as he tried not to fall over.

 

"It's fine, relax..."

 

Haise heard someone's voice but he couldn't tell who’s. Was it the man's? Lady Asano's? His inner voice? Everything had gotten so mixed up and confusing. He would have been afraid if his body weren't so relaxed _. I don't understand... _ His legs failed him, someone caught him, the ceiling was facing him, or perhaps he was the one facing the feeling. This wasn't the normal dissociation.  _ What is this feeling? It's pleasant... I don't want it to stop _ . He just felt good. The thought of Kishou crossed his mind in a flash but he was too tired to think about it any more. He forgot everything, the mission, where he was... Everything... But he was still fighting to keep his eyes open. He wanted to enjoy that feeling... Such peace... He couldn't remember when he last felt such peace. In fact, he couldn't remember anything.

 

"Close your eyes, relax, let go."

  
He obeyed. He was feeling so good, there was no danger, no danger, no danger... His mind drifted away. He blacked out wrapped in this so pleasant smell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the continued support! <3


	17. I want my lover back, don’t want your empathy

It had been a while already, and Arima’s nerves were on fire. He had been nervous just letting Haise go off by himself like that, but Matsuri wouldn't let them stay near each other it seemed...and, Haise hadn't returned with the information yet. He was getting more worried.  _ Maybe he just took a wrong turn, surely he'll find his way back _ . Arima tried to assure himself, glancing around the room. He was to keep guard of where the auction was supposedly going to take place, to see if he could catch any bit of movement behind the scene and get ready for it. 

He couldn't see Matsuri anywhere.  _ If you so much as touch a hair on his head, Matsuri, I will kill you. _ Arima had left his station now, looking for them.  _ Matsuri's probably got him alone again, doing...doing...  _ He didn't want to think about it.  _ Does that bastard ever learn? _ He was gritting his teeth, searching the room and heading towards where Matsuri was supposed to be. 

Of course he wasn't there. 

 

"Mr. Fujisaki?" He called, looking through the crowd. He searched the whole room first, hurrying over when he finally spotted Matsuri over by a table, casually having a drink. 

"Sir!" Arima sounded angry. 

"Where is..." He almost said Haise instead. "Where is Sasako-sama?" He got a bit closer. "You better not have touched him." Arima growled lowly.

 

"I don't know" Matsuri played with his glass, giving Arima a cold look "She's free to go where she wants anyway..."

 

Arima fought the urge to throw his fight right at Matsuri's face again. Of course he wasn't free, what a joke! The CCG had Haise on a leash just like it had him. 

Arima was so stressed he almost lost it. He muffled a nervous laugh and turned his back, looking around to see if he could catch a glimpse of Haise. There were so many people. He did however notice that lady Asano was nowhere to be found either. He knew he should feel reassured, right…? Haise was probably with her, somewhere. Haise wasn't alone. But Arima never really trusted this woman, he couldn't help thinking about the way she looked at Haise.  _ As if she were to eat him, or keep him all to herself.  _ He shivered.  _ I'm being silly _ . Arima glanced back at Matsuri.  _ He is the real danger. _

 

"Please, ladies and gentlemen, if you may follow me, the auction is about to start" said a man in a suit. He was wearing a white mask, half covering his face. The mask was familiar.  _ Aogiri... _ Arima thought as he shivered even more. 

 

The people started to gather and enter the room with a hubbub. Matsuri stood aside and Arima went by him. 

 

"She's late" Matsuri just stated as he readjusted his mask "So useless..." he added in a whisper.

 

"Something isn't right. She should have been back by now" Arima shot a look at Matsuri, who looked far too calm. It pissed him off. "What if something happened?" 

 

"She's probably just off with Lady Asano talking girl stuff" Matsuri mumbled, obviously, he didn’t care. His attention was more on the auction that was starting. 

 

"Shouldn't Mr. Fujisaki be  _ worried _ about  _ his dear _ Sasako?" Arimas voice was cold as he practically spat his words. 

 

Sure, it was a possibility that Haise had just gotten caught up with Lady Asano who was probably keeping him busy by talking and talking, but that didn't explain the awful feeling he had.  _ Something isn't right, but what can I do? _ He gritted his teeth again as he tried to think of something. 

 

"Sir, don't you think we should at least check? At least let me go, if you care so much about this auction" Arima didn't want to wait any longer. 

 

"You're both mine and Lady Sasako's body guard, you are to remain by my side while the auction is occurring, something might happen to me if not, there could be danger in this room" It seemed almost like he was mocking Arima. 

 

_ I wish something would happen to you. _ Arima just glared.

 

The auction was quite likely to be like the previous one. It was long and boring. Matsuri wasn't even trying to buy something, he was just looking at the stage. People there had the same mask as the one who let them in.  _ Okay we understood Aogiri was behind all that already... But Haise, where are you? _ He started to fall apart, he knew that. Just right by Matsuri's side, he couldn't allow himself such weakness. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, this was too much for only one night. He wanted to hold Haise close and sleep and sleep and sleep. He fought back tears. It was painful.  _ Haise, come back to me. _ _ _

 

_ " _ Now ladies and gentlemen..."  _ This voice. _ "We're about to bring in our most exquisite prizes, rare human beings! You may see they're still quite alive and healthy, you'd probably get a gourmet meal out of them!"  _ Lady Asano!  _

 

Lady Asano was on stage, talking joyfully to raise the people's attention.  _ If she's here where is Haise? _ No more, he could tolerate no more. He was trembling, his heart stopped for a moment, he felt very cold, stricken by fear. Maybe he cried, he couldn't say. He was so shocked to see her here... alone. It was hard to breathe, he took a step back and his back bumped the wall. He opened his mouth, trying to say something. He couldn't.  _ Haise... where is Haise?  _

 

"That's troublesome..." Matsuri said, undisturbed "My...  _ wife _ seems to have vanished."

 

"Let me go and look." Arima finally managed to find his words after what felt like ages. 

 

Something was definitely wrong. He was still shaking, his mouth felt dry, and he was cold. So cold. Chills ran down his back and they made him shiver.  _ I shouldn't have left you alone _ . He felt like this had already been his fault, even though he wasn't sure of anything yet. 

 

"Sir, I am going to find Lady Sasako. Even if you don't care, I am to protect her." He spoke clearly, trying to keep his tone cold and composed. 

 

No, this was all Matsuri's fault. Matsuri didn't answer him, just watched as Lady Asano excitedly started to announce their prizes and the bidding prices. 

 

"Sir." Arima repeated himself, grabbing Matsuri's shoulder, making sure to grip as roughly as he could. "I am going to look for Sasako, this has gone too far." He pulled his hand away quickly before he started shaking again. 

 

"Do what you like. It's probably pointless by now. Just give it up, she's not that important." He spoke calmly, but quietly enough that only Arima heard. 

 

He couldn't take it anymore. This man. Everything. Those words. He didn't care at all. 

Before he knew it, Arima had grabbed the mans arm, twisting back until it nearly snapped. 

 

"I will break you, sir. Don't think I won't hesitate." He pulled a bit further before he let go, hurrying to get out of the room.

 

"You could still do it, but I'm afraid it won't help you find your beloved fiancé..." Arima startled as he heard Matsuri's words.  _ How does he...? _

"Believe me or not but this is not my doing..." 

 

People were starting to whisper around them. Right, they basically saw Mr. Fujisaki being attacked by his bodyguard.  _ Fuck the act, fuck this shit, I just want Haise back! _ _ _

 

"That's enough!" Arima whispered low "I saw how you act around Haise, you twisted bastard. Give him back to me. Now!" He was desperate, so desperate. 

 

"Tsss..." Matsuri was still so calm despite the entire situation, it made Arima even more angry, he was so close to letting it all out, to kill him... but Haise... he needed Haise so badly. 

"I was just bored, trying to have some fun, no way I'd put on an entire act to kidnap such a disgusting being..." Arima squeezed Matsuri's arm harder when he heard those words, he was sure he broke the bone. 

"I have nothing to do with it, you should stop now before I get really angry... Arima-san." Matsuri spat his name. 

 

People were whispering even more around them. They kept repeating Arima’s name. He felt the danger spreading.  _ My name is known amongst ghouls… I am the Reaper.  _ He tried to stay composed and discreet though. But this man… Arima had almost made it out of the room before Matsuri had spoken up again. How did he know of their engagement? He knew... and yet, he still did all of that, to Haise. How could he do such things to someone who was already almost married? It was so wrong.  

 

"You think... you think he's disgusting, and yet... here you stand." Arima held the man's arm tightly in his grip as he bent it back further. 

"You...you're the disgusting one. I'm tired of this!" He knew he had broken their act now, the whispers and the looks they were receiving told him that much. 

"Sexually harassing my fiancé this whole time, and why? Because you were  _ bored _ ?" He practically spat in Matsuri's face. Arima was warned not to make him any angrier, but he didn't care. Not one bit. 

"Oh, are you upset that I've broken your little act?" He spoke in such a dark tone. 

"You hurt us, hurt Haise, and I am done. I've had enough of this bullshit. Enough of  _ your _ bullshit." 

 

Arima could feel Matsuri's arm breaking under his tight hold.  _ Good. You deserve every ounce of pain. It’s not fair though, you’ll heal within moments... _ Arima thought as he stared Matsuri down, eyes as cold as glaciers still.

 

"Mr. Fujisaki's just another old perv it seems" he heard someone whisper.   
“Poor Lady Sasako….”

"Arima… Arima… I know that name, though.”

 

"Arima? Like the CCG’s Reaper? That man is a legend, few ghouls were left alive after him. Do you think that could be him? He seems so… harmless.”

 

“Wait… CCG?” 

 

Arima heard them discussing. They knew the truth. They knew the entire truth. He didn’t care though.  _ Haise… Haise, stop hiding, that joke isn’t funny anymore. _

 

***

 

_ Haise. _ There was a strong commotion, people were running everywhere apparently fleeing. None of them were Haise, Arima knew that but he kept looking. And looking. And walking. People were running away from him. He suddenly felt very powerful, like a God. Truly, for once. People were clearing away just by the sight of him. It hurt him inside, but for the time being that didn’t matter...The ghouls were shouting and he kept walking. He could use this advantage to look for Haise. He was about to head for the garden when he felt a hand firmly grip his shoulder. He turned back, a glare in his eyes.  _ Matsuri. _ Matsuri had taken his now useless mask off. His eyes were cold.

 

“We need to leave while they’re still confused.”

 

“I need to find Haise first” Arima’s voice felt so distant. He felt dizzy, and sick, and so very away from himself, too much of a shock... He had only one thing on his mind though. Finding Haise. 

 

“Don’t be stupid” Matsuri whispered low for only Arima to hear “We have no quinque, we must escape before the security catches us.”

 

“Let go of me.” Arima hissed “Aren’t you… a  _ ghoul _ yourself, sir?” He was whispering as well “Protect me yourself if my life is so valuable to you. Or to the CCG. Whatever…” 

 

He looked around without really seeing anything. He just wanted to find Haise, to hold him close, to tell him the nightmare was over. Their cover was blown, they were going home now.  _ Haise, come back. We’re going home now. _ Was he losing it? He didn’t know, talking to himself like a fool… He took another step forward and the grip on his shoulder grew tighter, enough to be frightening. 

 

“Special-class Arima…” Arima didn’t need to look back to understand Matsuri’s kakugan  _ and perhaps his kagune as well  _ were visible now “If you disobey my orders, you might… die in the process of finding… First class Sasaki.”

 

It seemed enough to make Arima crash back to earth again.  _ I can’t die. _ He clenched his fists, he was so angry at Matsuri he could have attacked him now if it weren’t for Haise.  _ If I die, nobody will find him. Or perhaps Matsuri will… That’s not a good thing. I need to leave. _ He turned back and started to follow Matsuri out. He could hear the security guards running to where they were already. He felt like a betrayer.  _ Haise… _

 

“Let’s go, we’ll find him later.”

 

_ Right. You obviously don’t wanna lose your best agent. _ They rushed to the underground parking, making sure they weren’t being followed. Well, it was ghouls in charge of the security, but not the best ones. The best ones were around the mafia heads. So if they were careful enough… It was almost easy to get to the car.

 

“I’ll drive.”

 

Arima noticed he was shaking only when he handed the car keys to Matsuri. He sat on the passenger seat and fastened his belt. Matsuri drove out quickly and immediately took the escape road they had planned just in case. Arima felt like he was in a bad dream. He couldn’t believe he was leaving this place without Haise. He couldn’t believe he abandoned his fiancé just because his superior told him to. What kind of man was he? He felt like falling apart. When he tore his mask off it almost felt like he was tearing up his own skin.  _ It hurts… Haise, I’m so sorry. _

 

_ I swear I on my life, I’ll find you. _

_ Because I love you, Haise. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <33 The true angst is just beginning uwu


	18. I'll make you beg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally getting this chapter out omgg, sorry for the wait everyone! The next chapter should be up tomorrow as well, so hopefully things will go back to its usual schedule c:  
> Thank you all for reading! <3

Arima was upset. That, Matsuri could understand… he guessed. At least from a logical point of view he could understand. Not relate. Not _quite_ relate. It had been five days since they returned to Tokyo’s CCG headquarters and despite all the reports, the agents sent and everything else, they had no news of Haise. It was as if he just had disappeared into thin air, without a trace. Of course, for what he cared… Matsuri was actually quite relieved not to have the half-ghoul around. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. But well… Arima was still upset. Making a fuss in Matsuri’s office and disrupting his work. What a bother, really. He was a busy man, he had no time for such whining.

It wasn’t his fault if Haise was nowhere to be found. The boy shouldn’t have worn such a provocative dress, after all.

 

“And… sir, you’re not even listening to me!” Arima exclaimed in exasperation.

 

“No, I’m not. I don’t see why I should. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

 

“But…”

 

“There’s no _but_ , Arima-san. I’ve sent several agents to search for him. Just as you asked, I’ve put Mado Akira at the head of the research group. I’ve even tried my personal connections. There’s nothing more we can do, we just have to wait for a lead now.”

 

“This is your fault.” Arima spat “Entirely your fault. If you hadn’t… to him…” He was so frustrated he couldn’t even voice it, “If you hadn’t….he could have sensed something wrong was going on. He could have avoided it!” He was speaking so low, his yelling was a deadly whisper “Why Haise…? Why him…?”

 

Why Haise, indeed?

 

***

 

He wasn’t sleeping. It was rare for him to have sleepless nights… but here he was, not sleeping, staring at the ceiling despite the darkness of the room. His vision was blurred but he glanced at Haise all the same. The boy was resting on his side, the furthest from Matsuri he could be, showing him his back. His body was giving off an incredible heat, a comforting heat. Matsuri never felt such relaxing warmth arise from somebody before and wondered what that was. He shifted to get closer, just a bit. This warmth was so comforting, and familiar somehow. And so was Haise’s scent when he was asleep.

 

_Matsuri, I’ve baked you some cake!_

_Come on don’t be so grumpy, let me massage your shoulders, hmm?_

_Matsuri… I love you, you know?_

 

_I’m sorry, Han._

 

He pinched his nose. He didn’t really want to remember that...Not now. Not again. But Haise looked just like him, and it made him want to destroy the boy. Again. And again. And again. And again. Such a disgusting creature… not even human, not even a ghoul… He shouldn’t be allowed to smile, he shouldn’t be allowed happiness, not with such a man as Arima, not with anybody honestly. He didn’t belong anywhere, he wasn’t allowed to. Matsuri clinched his fists. _Calm down._ He looked at Haise again.

 

_Matsuri, do you… love me?_

_You’re such a monster!_

_I’m done with this, I can’t take anymore!_

 

Not again. That wasn’t _him_ , that was Sasaki Haise. A Japanese half-ghoul, not a too human German boy. _Get yourself together._ He was so enraged now, he felt like destroying everything in the room. Having such thoughts again. This was their fault, showing their happiness around…

 

“Sasaki…” he whispered, voice filled with malice.

 

The boy seemed to tense a bit as he heard his name, but didn’t move. His body was still spreading this incredible warmth around. Matsuri got closer again, putting his hand on the boy’s shoulder. It was so warm. And relaxing. He wanted to touch more. He wanted to destroy every inch of this warm skin with his bare hands.

 

“Sasaki, are you asleep?”

 

The boy rolled onto his back and opened his eyes the following second. When their eyes met, Matsuri was sure he saw fear in them. Even if he didn’t have his glasses on, he could feel the fear pervading the room. _Good, you’d better fear me._ He glanced at him from head to toe. _You’re disgusting._

 

“Is something wrong?” Haise asked with a tired voice. The way he had to wake up…

 

_Morning, Matsuri._

_Monster! Monster! Monster!_

_Is something wrong?_

_You can talk to me..._

_I love you, you know?_

 

“I can’t sleep.” He wasn’t even looking at Haise when he said so. As if he were… ashamed. His old feelings were intrusive. He just wanted to touch him again, to feel he was loved. And then to destroy, destroy, destroy, destroy.

 

“Why?” Haise rolled on his side.

 

“I don’t know…” Matsuri laid on his back and put both his hands behind his head, watching the ceiling “I have a bad feeling about tomorrow’s dinner, don’t you? I feel like we’ve missed something important.”

 

“We’ve paid attention to everything though…” Haise’s voice was still a bit tired “It’s normal to be stressed before such a huge mission.”

 

“I know… but this is nothing I’m usually experiencing before an important mission.” He glanced at Haise. _To possess and destroy, destroy, destroy, destroy_! “I feel… Anyway, nevermind.” What was he about to say? What was he feeling? He just wanted to squeeze this pretty neck, to bite into it and hear Haise beg for him to stop.

 

“We acted good, we paid attention to every detail, we have been careful. All according to the plan.” Haise’s voice was a whisper. Trembling whisper, he was afraid. He was biting his lip, probably trying to find what Matsuri expected from him. _No matter how you act, I’ll still destroy you. You’ll beg me, I’ll make you beg._

 

“It all went too well, I guess this could be a trap.” Matsuri had sat up again and was staring at a spot in front of him. “But we have no other lead.”

 

“Well…” Haise sat as well “Why are you telling me this in the middle of the night. I can’t do anything to change it now and you know this.” Haise paused for a moment, “You really like to put me up against the wall, don’t you? It’s fine, don’t hold back. Go ahead and humiliate me.” _Arima isn’t here to see…_ It felt like an invitation, though he knew Haise was just testing him.

“It’s not like you can resist it, anyway…” _I can’t…_

 

He slapped him pretty hard, it made a loud sound _._ Surely it would have made the boys ears ring with pain.

 

Haise panted heavily.

 

 _Beg, beg, beg! You have no right to tell me what to do._ Haise was about to touch his cheek but Matsuri slapped him again. And again. And again. _Come on, beg for me to stop. Beg!_ But Haise said nothing. “look at me!” Matsuri demanded. But he didn’t even make a noise of pain, not even when his throat was gripped and he was pressed down against the pillows, Matsuri hoping he would lose his breath and finally _beg_ . He was just trembling, though, keeping his eyes closed, waiting for it to stop _._

 _You have no right for happiness. You’re disgusting._ It made Matsuri mad that he didn’t face him.

  


He had stopped a few moments later, though, and was cupping Haise’s reddened, swollen cheek in his hand. _You’ll beg, you’ll see._ There was fear creeping through Matsuri’s body.

 

_How are you so strong, Sasaki…?_

 

“Tsss…” He spat as he pushed his thoughts aside, stroking the skin he had just hurt “I’m wasting my time, trying to help such a foul creature like you.” Haise was breathing deeply, trying to calm himself. “I really was just trying to warn you, honestly…” Matsuri continued and his face was now so close he could smell Haise’s fear on his skin. _Kiss him, bite him, eat him!_ “Go back to sleep.”

 

Matsuri let go of his face. _You’ll beg._ Haise curled up under the blanket with his knees to his chest. _You’ll pay for what you’ve done._

 

_I-lo-ve-you-!_

_You’re a monster! You and me? Over! Over! Over!_

_Matsuri… don’t… please don’t! Kill me if you want but don’t kill him! Don’t kill him! I’m begging you! Don’t kill him! Matsuri...Please!_

 

***

 

“Sir… what’s going on? Sir…”

 

Matsuri realized he had spaced out for a moment and readjusted his glasses to regain back some composure. What was he thinking about, really? As if it changed something to think about the past like that. The boy was… he sighed.

 

“You’re dismissed, Arima-san.”

 

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

 

“You’re dismissed. I don’t want to hear about it for the rest of the day. Contact Akira if you have further questions. I am too busy to hear you complain.”

 

Arima was obviously about to say something. His teeth and fists were clenched. But at the last moment he decided not to, turning away and leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. _Finally_ , Matsuri thought as he turned his chair to take a look outside. His mind was confused, he couldn’t help but think about Germany, the boy and how he… He shook his head. There was no need. He went back to the mission report he had to fill. About how the mission failed. The simple idea of letting his superior _his father_ know made him sick. _Tss… all that because of a half-ghoul… who disappeared… somewhere._ He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He felt tired suddenly. Everything went to waste. _It’s his fault, he was wearing an ostentatious dress._ He tried to focus on writing again. _It was his fault, he did this to himself. He had to be careful. Somebody took him? Fine._ Why was he so upset? He really couldn’t calm down.

 

_You smell good…_

_I love you…_

_Don’t kill him! I’m the one you want!_

 

***

 

“You work too much, you know…” The boy’s voice was soft when he rubbed Matsuri’s shoulders “You should rest.”

 

“Han… I can’t focus when you do that…” Matsuri almost hissed.

 

“Come on, don’t be so grumpy!”

 

They had met at random on a mission. The most cliché thing ever, really. Matsuri wondered how such a cliché thing could ever happen to him. He was chasing after some Roses who had taken this boy as a hostage. Matsuri managed to save him but not to kill the ghouls and they escaped. And after that… He just looked after the boy, at first he just wanted to gather information but then he kept visiting him even if it was obvious the boy knew nothing but… And now he was… he was…

 

“Enough, I need to…”

 

“Relax. You need to relax.”

 

He was massaging his neck now, then his temples. The boy was skilled, Matsuri was actually relaxing under his touch. Han, the boy’s name was. He tilted Matsuri’s head, giving his lips an upside down kiss. Yes, a cliché, to fall for the one you saved. And he loved him, at least Matsuri was sure about it. Though it made him angry somehow, feeling weak and… and if his father ever knew he loved a man, when he was engaged to some woman in Japan, he’d be in deep trouble. But it wasn’t like he could help it though. It just happened, he fell in love.

 

“I love you, you know?” Han whispered as he trailed kisses alongside Matsuri’s jaw “I love you, Matsuri.” Ah, he was weak after all.

 

“I… yeah...”

 

But it wasn’t like Matsuri knew how to love, or ever tried to learn how to. Han was very affectionate and caring, he baked Matsuri meals and cakes _what a joke!_ Whatever… he didn’t know his boyfriend was a ghoul, so of course he baked him sweets.

Han always had a smile on _just like this stupid Haise!_ and was taking good care of Matsuri. However, Matsuri acted possessive on the other hand, kissing him when he wanted, taking him when he wanted and things soon started to go wrong. Han was crying a lot, even in bed when they had sex. He was complaining about Matsuri’s behavior, saying he wasn’t paying attention to him or his feelings. Matsuri didn’t quite understand. Wasn’t he providing him money, food, clothes, whatever he wanted? He couldn’t be here all the time, he was a busy man, he had a career to think about, ghouls to kill, a reputation to keep up and… he couldn’t just endanger that for a simple German boy he crossed paths with.

 

“Matsuri, do you… love me?” Han was crying again, lately no day passed without him crying at least once, it was pissing Matsuri off “I don’t feel like… you love me…”

 

“Han…” A small kiss on the lips, another on the cheek, wasn’t it enough? “I do.” The worst thing was he wasn’t even lying, honestly. He loved Han. A lot.

 

“You don’t pay attention to me… you didn’t even eat the meal I made you…”

 

That wasn’t really his fault if he couldn’t eat it, he was sick enough just trying to taste the cakes Han was baking daily.

 

“If you loved me, wouldn’t you bring me to meet your family…? I’d bring you to meet mine...but I don’t have any.” Han asked quietly. He just wanted to be closer with him.

 

“I can’t.” Was Matsuri’s cold and stern answer. He gave no other reason, but that wasn’t enough for Han.

 

“But why? Why can’t you tell me? I’ll listen, Matsuri, just...tell me the truth...even if it hurts me.” Han had a feeling he knew why, but he couldn’t say it out right.

 

Of course, Matsuri didn’t answer him though, instead, he silenced him with a kiss, touching him a little more, making him moan Matsuri’s name. It was how he dealt with the situation.

 _I’m having sex with you, isn’t that enough proof? I’m busy, I’m engaged, look at all the risks I’m already taking. Isn’t it enough?_ The boy couldn’t understand, right? He didn’t know how much the Washuu’s name was a weight on Matsuri’s shoulders. But things never got better…

 

They grew cold with each other, yelling so often, and hurtful words being thrown without caution. Han retaliated against Matsuri. Instead of trying to express what was wrong and finding a way to fix what they had, he just fought back.

They went at each other's throats, but even when Matsuri was trying to be nice, Han still fought. He wasn’t the same as before.

 

Matsuri was feeling something...but he didn’t know what exactly. He couldn’t tell the difference between hurt, and anger.

 

They were both at fault, in the end.

 

Things really blew up though,  when Matsuri caught Han with another man, another investigator. He was new, but Matsuri and him had already gotten on each others bad sides…  


It ashamed Matsuri almost, that he hadn’t realized it sooner. Han was spending more and more time away from their apartment. He’d come home late, go to bed right away, then go out early in the morning. It... _hurt_ Matsuri, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he cared. He figured Han must’ve just been getting back into his normal life. Maybe he even got a job? So he didn’t concern himself with it too much. Instead, he tried to focus on his own life, his job, mostly.

 

He knew Han was growing distant from himself, and he knew they hadn’t been getting along, but, he managed to distract himself enough that it didn’t hurt too much. He started to build himself a name at this time, for work. Missions were successful, he was climbing the ladder. The more he worked the less he was thinking about Han. Until that day. It was just random, really. He saw Han. He thought about trying to talk to him at first, the park was a public place, but… he saw Han with another man. A tall blond man with glasses. He was the new investigator that had gotten on his nerves before, but, Han seemed happy. And this man seemed happy too. _Just like Arima and this disgusting Haise!_ Something snapped inside of Matsuri. _You belong to me._ He started to follow them. He silently followed them until he approached them as they sat on a little bench, chatting away and smiling.

 

The young investigator was just in the process of giving Hans cheek a small kiss when Han seemed to grow tense.

 

“M-matsuri, what are you doing here?” Han sounded obviously scared. He knew Matsuri could get very angry, and when he did, it wasn’t pretty. He had bruises to show for it.

 

Matsuri should have had bruises as well, from when Han struck him back, but his skin was very tough. Han could never leave a mark.

 

“Who is he?” Was all Matsuri spat, venom dripping from his words.

“So this is where you’ve been? Why you haven’t been home.”

“Matsuri I-” Han stood from his seat on the bench, readying himself to explain.

 

“You’re happier with him, I suppose, no need for me.” There was so much bitterness in his voice, it was scary.

But Han took a deep breath, and began.

 

“I’m sorry...Matsuri, I really am, but I…” he bit on his lip.

“I couldn’t handle it anymore, the way you acted, how you treated me. I was starting to feel scared just being in that apartment with you. The bruises you gave me didn’t help…” Tears were filling his light green eyes.  


“You weren’t there for me, I couldn’t rely on you, I needed someone, Matsuri. I needed someone to care for me!” he took a few steps back as Matsuri’s expression grew darker, clearly, he wasn’t going to come to an understanding with him.

 

“Please, forgive me…” Han sniffled softly, stumbling a little as he continued to back up.

There was a look of guilt in Han’s eyes as well, he knew how he had acted in return was not right, but he didn’t bring it up. He didn’t say out loud, that he knew he was wrong as well.

 

It made Matsuri mad.

 

“But, you know…” Hans voice grew darker as well as he glanced back at Matsuri.

“You’re right, actually. I am much happier with him. Much happier than I ever was with you. Honestly, I don’t know why I put up with you. Are you even capable of loving at all?” Han was the one with venom in his voice this time, and it surprised Matsuri.

 

“You never listened to me, never showed me that you cared. It was like I was just some object for you to use whenever it was convenient.” He spat, glancing at the boy on the bench again.

 

“My new _boyfriend_ treats me well, he loves me. Not like you. He even cooks for me! I’m over you, Matsuri. Please, just leave us alone now.” Han was about to sit back down when he saw his blond boyfriend jump in front of him.

 

Matsuri had leapt forwards at him, aiming to grab the collar of his shirt, clearly very pissed off now.

 

He almost regretted speaking up.

 

“Han, run!” The young man shouted, taking a swift kick to his side, and tumbling back a few feet. He got up again though, facing Matsuri and readying himself.

 

Matsuri had no time for this dull boy to get in his way, nor the patience. _I’ll dispose of you._

 

The boy hadn’t expected however, for Matsuri to have his quinque on him, though, there were no missions currently. At least, the young investigator couldn’t recall whether there was or not. But, honestly, he wasn’t sure of anything as he cried out in pain from the blade piercing his abdomen.   
Han let out a fearful cry as well, hurrying back to try and help the young investigator that had rescued him.

 

The young man’s actions struck something in Matsuri, and he stood still, thinking.

He risked his life to protect Han, and he wondered, maybe if he had been more protective and supportive, this wouldn’t have happened.

He didn’t understand though, that it mattered not how he could have acted in the past, what was done was done, and Han despised him now.

 

He hadn’t noticed, but the two had run off, scared and in pain.

It occurred to him though, that they could report him, especially that blond investigator.

Matsuri could get demoted, or even fired.

He just couldn’t have that. His job was everything to him.

 

Not so lucky for Han, Matsuri’s ghoulish sense of smell helped him track down the wounded investigator, and him. They were currently stopped, the young man leaning up against the stone edge of a small garden in a quiet park. He was struggling to move, the wound in his abdomen bleeding out too much. Han was crying, sobbing as he tried to move with his blond investigator, but he couldn’t do it. He fell back down next to him, watching as Matsuri moved closer. He was silent now, but the intense look on his face alone was enough to kill.

 

“Please, don’t do this…” Han let out a quiet cry, and he heard the young blond man in his arms cough some more, struggling to breathe still.

 

It was pointless to even try, and a sob escaped Hans throat as Matsuri pierced right through the man’s back with his hand.

Instinctively, when he knew his blond investigator wouldn’t make it, he moved himself away, trying to put some distance between him and Matsuri now.

  


“Matsuri! What are you doing? Stop stop stop!” Han’s begging voice was such sweet music for Matsuri to hear “Don’t kill him! I’m sorry I didn’t try to understand! Please, Matsuri… I…” He would make Haise beg like that too. It really would be so pleasant.

 

“Matsuri!”

 

“How could...how could you? You monster…!” He was frantic, trying to move back as he bumped against the stone wall of the garden.

 

The smell of blood was strong, and when his eyes met with Matsuri’s again, he saw two flaring kakugan, and his heart dropped. He was almost frozen stiff with fear. Matsuri was too quick though, and was on him before he could run again.

 

 _“Please, don’t hurt me!”_ Han cried out.

 

Han’s blood was warm. It tasted good too. Haise’s was… He didn’t know. He wished he had been given the chance. Such creatures didn’t deserve happiness. _Whoever took you, First-class Sasaki… You deserve everything that happens to you. Everything, Han, everything._


	19. Don't look at me

Arima was laying across his couch, face currently half pressed against a cushion. He had gone through several sitting positions already. Leaning on the arm of the couch, laying back, sitting up, leaning back, he couldn't stay still. Yet also, he couldn't bring himself to move at all. So, he sprawled out on his stomach, one arm hanging over the edge of the couch, the other holding onto the pillow that he currently had his face squashed against. His eyes were partly open, yet he wasn't looking at anything. He couldn't focus, his mind was so foggy he barely knew what day it was. It hadn't been long since Haise went missing, but for Arima it has felt like an eternity already.

 

Arima didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to start looking, how to find his lost lover. He'd already cried himself to sleep more times than he cared to remember. It wasn’t like him, and yet, it felt like that’s all he was right now.

The fifth day after, when he worked up the courage, he confronted Matsuri, but of course, Matsuri had nothing to say.

It was a lost cause, probably for the better. He could feel his teeth clench as he thought about the bastard that caused all this. But, he couldn't do anything. Arima felt completely and honestly useless.  

 

He didn't want to admit it to himself really, but he hadn't even gone to work in roughly four days now. Actually, he had barely moved out of bed or off of the couch. _I'm so sorry Haise..._  he wanted to apologize more to him, but every time he pictured that beautiful smiling face of his, he would begin to cry again. Before Arima knew it, he had cried himself to exhaustion once more, but he couldn't sleep. He just remained still upon the couch, until he decided to finally sit up, stand even, to shuffle over to his kitchen. Tiredly, and blindly, he pulled out a bottle of liquor, or some other beverage. Honestly, he couldn't tell what it was. He was thankful though, that he didn't miss the glass while pouring it.

 

Arima stood still for a while, the disconnect from his body that he was feeling made it difficult to even move at all. Eventually though, he managed to grab the glass once again, bringing it to his lips with shaky hands. It felt hard to swallow this strong liquid, but he downed it all at once, making another glass before downing that as well. He had almost dropped the glass onto the counter, but managed to catch himself before it happened.

Distantly, Arima felt his stomach growl. That's right... he hadn't eaten in days either. But he couldn't stomach anything... his own cooking was awful, and it wasn't from Haise... Tears dripped off of his chin and landed on the counter as he stood there. Really, he was such a mess. The simplest of thoughts brought him crashing down again.

 

Eventually though, Arima shuffled his way back to the couch, laying down and letting his mind just shut off, as his barely seeing eyes stared tiredly at the blank television screen.

 _Haise...._ Arima stared at the screen, in complete vacantness. How long, he couldn't tell. There was only one thing on his mind. _Haise_ . It seemed like a lifetime since the boy had disappeared, he had completely lost track of time. Was it a week? Was it a month? _Haise._

 

He didn't even hear the doorbell ring again and again. He was so far away from everything. Too far away. _Haise_ . In his mind, Haise was still very here. In his mind Haise wasn't missing. The doorbell stopped and he could vaguely perceive the sound of the door opening. Vaguely. Like in a dream. As if it wasn't real. As if nothing was real now. Only Haise. _Haise..._ There were voices invading his house, the sound of people walking in. He should get up, right? He couldn't care less. Strangers in his house? He couldn't care less. What was the point anyway? Haise wasn't here anymore.

 

"Kishou..." A voice called. Obviously not Haise's. "Kishou! Hey Kishou!" Fingers were snapped in front of his eyes. He had to blink several times to realize what was happening. Somebody was calling his name. He looked up. _Take..._ He looked worried. The kids were here as well. Looking worried too.

 

"Sorry" Arima mumbled and his voice sounded like it was miles away, like it wasn’t even his own, "Sorry" he repeated.

 

"You scared me," Hirako's hand clenched in a fist "How long has it been?"

 

"I... don't know" Arima confessed. _Too long._

 

"You..." Hirako looked around the room "You should take a shower. The kids and I will fix you something to eat, okay?"

 

"I'm...not hungry..." Arima forced himself into a sitting position on the couch. He sighed softly, rubbing at his eyes and leaning forwards a bit. Honestly, he didn't even care enough to put his glasses back on.

"I haven't been able to keep anything down." Arima admitted quietly, looking down as his fingers fidgeted with a thread on the edge of the couch.

"I… I don't even have the energy to move." He felt so pathetic saying it out loud, but he barely had the will to live right now.

"I'm sorry kids..." He risked a glance at them, barely being able to see them anyways.

"I can't...I just..." He buried his face against his palms, fingers sliding into his white hair and gripping at it tightly.

"I can't...."

 

"Kishou..." Hirako's voice was trembling a little "Kishou, you need to get a grip on yourself. You need to... You're the only one who can find Haise."

 

He hoped to trigger something in Arima but apparently it failed. The man was still staring in blank, with his eyes unfocused. He cursed himself internally. Honestly, he didn't know what to do. He wanted to help his friend but he was afraid it could only get worse if he was too gentle with him. But he couldn't really kick the ass of someone whose lover had been harassed and kidnapped just under his eyes... He really didn't know what to do. Until he saw the kids, wrapping their arms around him. But at the same still trying to make him get up, tickling him, poking his side... as if Arima weren't depressed. The man had a sad smile on. But he moved the kids away.

 

"Don't... Leave me alone... you don't need to care about me anyway..." Arima whispered so low as if he wanted to disappear.

 

"But Kishou-san!" Shio spoke up, reaching out to hold onto Arima’s hands.

"Kishou-san is so important to us, of course we care..." Yusa was frowning as well, and Rikai had carefully put Arima’s glasses back upon his face. Sighing again, he adjusted them on the bridge of his nose and blinked slowly a few times.

 

"But I..." Arima started, looking at his hands that were now being held again. "I failed him...I-I promised I'd protect him, I promised he'd be alright... and I... I failed...I  let him down. I'm scared... what if he's gone...? What if he doesn't forgive me...?" He spoke slowly, and quietly, trying not get worked up yet again.

"I failed him..." His hands were trembling, and the kids just held onto them tighter, moving to hug Arima as well.

 

"Kishou-san, you tried your best, that's what matters. Haise-san surely still loves you silly, you two are inseparable! We all... we all love you both so much, Kishou-san... please don't give up!" The young boy, Shio, who had been speaking started to cry, voice shaky and coming out in hiccups between sniffles.

 

"Please..." Yusa begged quietly, climbing onto the couch and hugging onto his arm.

"You can find him Kishou-san... bring Haise-san home..." Rikai hugged him from behind, and soon they were all hugging him tightly.

 

Arima felt the tears dripping down his cheeks already... these kids put so much faith in him, he didn't think he deserved them at all.

 

"I-I'm sorry..." He practically choked on his words, shifting and trying to hug them all close.

"I'm so sorry."

 

"Kishou..." Hirako slightly smiled, this was a touching scene indeed, despite the fact it was so sad "Kishou, stop being selfish. Think about Haise. what's done is done. Now you need to help him... and I'm sure Haise is trying hard too, so please don't insult him by staying home and self-loathing."

 

Ouch, that was maybe a little too harsh. But Hirako had the feeling Arima was about to say something like "I don't deserve you" or "I can't do anything good". Maybe he was a little too aggressive, he wanted to apologize. But he shouldn't. Arima's look had changed at least, it wasn't that blurry anymore. It showed something, at least. Though it seemed to be fear, or anxiety, or perhaps regret? Hirako had always been terrible at reading people.

 

"I'm sorry..." Arima said softly, and Hirako was about to reply but he quickly added "I'm sorry I had given up already, that's not... Haise is..." It was still painful of course, to think about it "I need to do something. I need your help, Take."

 

"Kishou..." Hirako's heart squeezed in his chest. His friend had laid on him such pleading eyes, it hurt "I..."

 

"I need your help, Take. Please... Prevent me from falling too deep...Haise needs me to save him."

 

"I know, in most cases Haise would be strong enough on his own to escape or save himself, but after all that happened to him, he hasn't eaten either, and he was on so many suppressants he couldn't even summon his kagune. Take, he can't do anything in that state. I just... hope he's strong enough to survive like that." He shut his eyes tightly, letting out a deep breath.

 

"I've been wallowing in self pity and loathing for the past few days... I had given up hope... Haise is gone... I didn't think he could survive after all that, and with the potential of who took him... but I feel ashamed, I should believe in him more." Arima was speaking again at least, that relieved Hirako some. Of course, he could tell Kishou was still feeling very depressed, and very out of it, but... at least he was trying.

"I'm sorry I had given up..." Arima wiped at his face with the backs of his hands, trying to stop his lip from quivering as well.

 

"If...if you guys hadn't showed up, I would have... I wouldn't have gotten up, I would have left Haise, he would die all on his own thinking I left him" he could feel the sob through his whole body before it finally escaped his throat. He felt pathetic, so, so pathetic.

"He would have died without me... before we..." The tears had started again, and he couldn't control them.

 

It was unlike him to be so emotional and unable to control himself, but it seemed, when Haise was involved, whether it be sappy love or painful sobs, Arima just couldn't contain them. He let out sob after sob, thinking about how Haise could've just been left alone to suffer, how it would have been his fault for staying home and wallowing in pity until he fell asleep. Surely Haise would have hated him if that happened. He couldn't bare the thought, but it kept replaying over and over, and he could feel his throat getting sore from how hard he was really crying.

 

This was a first, honestly. For all of them. But none of them judged him, just remained by his side. The kids rubbed his back gently and gave him small, reassuring hugs, and Hirako seemed to be occupied in the kitchen, or at least that's what he thought. He was brought out from his own mind by a hand on his shoulder, and when he focused his blurry vision, sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve, he saw Hirako kneeling in front of him, a sad look on his face.

 

"Kishou, you really are a mess without him, you know?" He tried to joke lightly, a kind of sad smile on his lips. It was rare to see Hirako smile, but Arima needed him right now.

 

"Y-yeah... so I've noticed." The man wiped at his face again, trying to stop the tears.

"I'm scared, Hirako, I really am... what will I do without him if we can't... if we can't find him?" He looked up, meeting his friends concerned look.

 

"Don't even think like that." He gave his shoulder a bit of a squeeze.

 

"You will find him, alright? We will help you in any way that we can, I'm sure you can even get other squads to help you. It's been so... dull, without Haise, or even you. I'm sure people are noticing how much they miss you both now. So come on, alright? We can do this, you can do this." Hirako spoke calmly, a bit of confidence there as well.

 

He believed in Arima... that struck him hard. It struck him hard as well when he felt himself being pulled into a hug, a close, tight hug, by Hirako. It made his eyes widen honestly, Take was never the type to hug anyone, let alone in these types of situations, but here he was, holding Arima in a tight hug. Arima could feel Hirako shaking a little, obviously he was nervous. But it made him smile, and he returned the hug hesitantly, calming down a little.

 

"You will find him Kishou, I promise you will." His voice had so much meaning in it.

 

Hirako let go off him soon after though. But his gesture was so meaningful Arima was truly moved the man made such effort to comfort him. He had to make efforts as well then, to feel a little better, at least good enough to find Haise. The CCG could wait, the Washuus could go to hell, he'd just find Haise and then... then... _I'll destroy you, Matsuri. Don't think I've forgotten what you did there._ If it weren't for him Haise would still be here, Arima was positive about it.

 

Arima rubbed his eyes. He should take that shower after all. He didn't remember the last time he took care of himself but his sudden chat with Hirako and the kids had made him very self-conscious all of a sudden

 

"I'm... I'm going to shower..." He managed to say in a whisper.

 

"Good. We'll fix you a little something to eat, okay? I know you don't feel like it, but it'll be light I promise. You need to eat a bit."

 

Arima just nodded and awkwardly headed to the bathroom. His body didn’t want to cooperate still, but, he managed.

 

Hirako and the kids made their way to the kitchen. He noticed the almost empty bottle on the countertop but made no remark. He just put it back where it belonged and washed the dirty glass. He couldn't expect Arima not to take a wrong step in such a time. He just had to be careful his friend wasn't actually falling into any bad habit.

His lover had disappeared after all.

 

He pulled out few vegetables from the fridge and the kids started to peel the skin off them. They were so silent, they usually were.

  
Hirako could hear the faint sound of the shower after a few minutes more. Good, Arima hadn't lied, he was really taking a shower. That was some progress at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading <3


	20. Let me sleep

Arima had undressed tiredly, fingers tugging off each article of clothing with no energy. He was so tired, and if he was willing to admit it, he felt the smallest bit dazed and tipsy, from his few prior drinks. 

 

He had to pull himself together though, shower, shower, shower. Find Haise. That wouldn't happen yet... He sighed again. Arima set his glasses on the edge of the sink, stepping into the shower, hot water hitting his skin. It stung some, but at the same time, it relaxed his body. He let his mind go blank for a moment, the water rinsing away all of his thoughts. But... Haise stayed. Haise never left his mind. 

 

"You're safe...right?" He spoke out loud to himself, water dripping into his mouth as it ran over him while he talked, "I'll find you...don't worry Haise. You'll be home soon..." 

 

He continued to speak quietly and tiredly as he ran his fingers through his dirty, white hair. Soon, he started to shampoo, mind drifting away again as he thought about how Haise used to like washing his hair for him. 

 

Those gentle hands, soft touch, the silly, loving comments. He missed it all so much... Everything. Every little thing. Even the scent of the shampoo reminded him of Haise. Because that silly boy thought peach would smell nice on him. 

It hurt. Too much. 

 

He turned the water up, even hotter this time. Drops were like needles piercing his skin. It hurt. The air around him smelt like peach. He couldn't choose between tears or smiling, though he ended up with both. His lips curved in an awkward smile and tears melted with the hot water. 

 

"I'll find you. I'll bring you home. I can do it, can't I?" he whispered again "I'm the Reaper after all. I'm a God." But for a god, he truly was weak. And falling apart. 

 

He put his forehead against the wall. Its coldness clashed with the too hot water still pouring over him. He stayed like that for a little bit. Dizzy, trying to pull himself together.  _ I am a God. _

 

"Kishou?"

 

The voice echoed in his head. As it echoed it began to morph into Haise's. Almost... 

 

"Kishou what are you doing?"

 

The voice sounded anxious though.

 

"Get out. You'll get burnt"

 

"Kishou, you've practically turned the bathroom into a sauna. You'll burn if you don't get out." 

 

The voice sounded worried... almost like Haise, but... not quite. He could barely hear whoever it was, his head resting upon the tiled wall of the shower. His body felt like it was years away, he couldn't move. The burningly hot water continued to pour down on him, and he remained still. No amount of distant calls of his name could budge him. 

 

"Hai...se... haise..." He was murmuring brokenly, fingers twitching as his arms remained by his side. 

 

He wasn't sure what was happening, really, he couldn't move, even if he wanted to, and he felt so, so dizzy. 

 

"Kishou snap out of it!" He barely heard the voice yell at him, entering the bathroom and disregarding any privacy. 

 

Hirako was worried, very worried for Arima right now. Of all places to disconnect from reality, standing in a far too hot shower was not a good one. 

 

"Please Kishou, get out before it actually hurts you" But Arima didn't seem to care. Maybe pulling the Haise card again could work?

 

"Kishou, Kishou what about Haise? What would he think of you in this state, you need to be strong to protect him right?" He hoped it would work... but it seemed to just make things worse. 

 

"H...aise... Haise...I’m sorry." Arima just repeated quietly, voice breaking as tears rolled down his cheeks again. 

 

"Alright. I have no choice Kishou, I'm taking you out of there." 

 

Hirako sighed, never did he imagine that he'd have to pull a half unconscious, naked Arima from a hot shower. But here he was, rolling up his sleeves and reaching into the shower, gripping at the small wheel on the faucet. Quickly, he managed to turn the shower off. That was a start. At least Arima wouldn't burn now. Quickly, Hirako grabbed his towel and wrapped him in it, gently pulling him away from the wall, and into his arms. 

 

"You owe me for this Kishou..." He tried to joke lightly, but it seemed Arima had passed out entirely. 

"You're not exactly the lightest, you know?" He complained as he moved him, wrapping another towel snuggly around his waist. 

"I'm not your caretaker..." He sighed again, letting the unconscious man lean against him.

“but...I am your friend.”

 

***

 

When Arima came back to his senses he was lying on his bed, a towel wrapped around his waist. He realized hadn’t really passed out, he was just... not there, for quite a while. 

It reminded him of those times when Haise used to drift away from reality as well, and he wondered if it was the same. 

 

_ Even this... even for this, I still think of you.  _

 

He tried to move a little, but his body was so heavy. He let an uncomfortable groan escape his throat.. His head hurt like hell, and he felt very cold all of a sudden.

 

"Welcome back, Kishou" he heard Hirako try to joke but his voice betrayed him with obvious concern "How do you feel?"

 

"I'm sorry..." He tried to sit up again and his head started spinning. Oh boy...when was the last time he had a decent meal? 

 

"I feel like shit..." His head hurt, as if he had drank too much, but he couldn’t remember if he had even had anything recently.

His memory seemed to be faltering, lately.  _ I'm a mess without you, Haise. _

 

"Here... before you die of dehydration" Hirako gently tossed him a bottle of water. Arima just barely managed to catch, blinking a few times.

 

He couldn’t see shit, but he couldn’t recall where his glasses were….his mind surely was a mess right now.

 

Arima only realized he was incredibly thirsty when he started to sip some of the water. Actually, he emptied half of it before he even noticed. 

 

“guess I was thirsty…” he let out a small, nervous laugh. 

 

_ I just want to sleep. _ __

 

"Get dressed and come eat with us," Hirako's voice sounded a bit like a command... a worried command.

"You need to eat." Arima could hear the man walk away, probably giving him some privacy to put some clothes on. If he could even get up, that is….

 

"Your glasses are on the bed table" Hirako added before closing the door behind him.

 

Arima just wanted to curl back up and go to sleep again. 

He wished he could sleep until Haise returned... to wake up and have him back in his arms. But, that wouldn't happen. Haise needed help, he wouldn’t be able to get out on his own, not in his condition. 

 

"Get up..." He mumbled to himself before he rolled over onto his side. 

 

The cold air in the room was hitting his skin, making him shiver...that helped wake him up a bit, at least. 

He was still only in a towel after all, he was freezing…

 

Eventually, Arima managed to sit back up, grunting slightly as he got his body to cooperate. 

 

"I'm a sorry mess alright..." He sighed softly, rubbing at his eyes before moving to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching for his glasses so he could at least see his surroundings. 

 

"I'm... hungry, yeah." He spoke to himself, slowly standing up. Arima’s legs were a little shaky, and he almost stumbled over more than few times. 

 

"Clothes, right? Get dressed..." He told himself what to do out loud, yawning some.

"Sleep, eat, shower. Kishou, get yourself together. These are everyday tasks, you should be able to do them without almost passing out." 

 

He was grumpy, and starving.  _ I miss Haise... he always kept me on track _ ... 

 

Eventually, after 20 minutes or so, Arima was finally dressed. Just in some sweatpants and a sweater, but at least it was something. 

He grabbed the water bottle off of his night table and took a few more sips before leaving his room, running a hand through his very messy hair. It dried while he was laying down... surely it would be hell to try and fix now.

 

"Well... whatever..." 

 

His hair was the least of his worries right now. 

Before Hirako and the kids got there, all he did was cry and sleep anyways, so it’s not like he had cared at all for a while now.

 

He managed to walk his way to the kitchen, though he felt very light headed. The smell of food was enough to make him feel nauseous again too, but he decided not to think about it too much. 

_ You must eat for Haise, Kishou. _ He kept repeating himself as he sat at the table. 

 

The kids were chatting quietly to themselves, and Hirako had even put an apron on. It made Arima smile softly, and Hirako smiled back at him.

 

"Here, try to eat some" his friend said as he put before him some soup "You don't need to eat it all, but, try. Go slowly, we have all time in the world. You must keep it down though."

 

Arima just nodded.  _ For Haise, Kishou. _  Though he knew they didn't have much time at all... Sighing softly again, he wrapped his hands around the bowl and brought it to his lips. He took a sip, maybe too big. It was hard to swallow, though it wasn't that hot. 

 

He put the bowl back on the table and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes, breathed in, breathed out. 

 

It lasted quite a while but the nausea started to fade away. He tried again, breathed again. Really, it'd take him a lifetime to drink a bowl of soup at this rate.

 

"You're doing great, Kishou" Hirako smiled at him. 

 

Though, Arima wasn't a fool. He was aware that they had finished ages ago and were waiting for him. 

_ You have to, Kishou. It's for Haise. _ He kept going, it was disgusting. 

 

It felt like a weight on his insides. 

 

The soup wasn’t bad, nor was Hirakos cooking, but...eating in general felt so wrong at the moment. 

 

After what seemed like forever, Arima finally managed to finish most of the bowl of soup. 

 

He probably would have enjoyed it, in any other situation, but his stomach was still churning. 

He could barely keep it down, having to cover his mouth momentarily as his insides felt like they were flipping and flopping everywhere. 

 

"Hirako...s-some water...?" He managed to voice, looking at the almost empty bowl in front of him. Maybe he had eaten too much at once? He wasn't sure honestly. He barely noticed the hand on his back, rubbing it lightly. 

 

"Take it easy, don't push yourself too far" Hirako was trying to get him to calm down, to relax before he brought up what he just managed to get down finally. 

 

A few moments later, Yusa carefully set a glass of water in front of Arima, then, as he usually did, gave him another hug. 

 

"It's okay Kishou-san, you're doing your best, just take your time," the young boy gave him a gentle pat on the head. 

 

"We're here for you..."

 

A weak smile crossed Arima’s lips as he took a few sips of water. 

"Thank you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little late but here it is~  
> and as usual, thank you all for reading <3


	21. Wake me up

It was dark.  _ Where am I?  _  Too dark.  _ Where...? I can't... _ He couldn't see. 

Was the room dark? Was something on his eyes? His whole body hurt and he couldn’t move his hands. It must have been a rope, he could feel the burn at his wrists when he twitched them.  _ What do I do? _

He could barely breathe. There was something in his mouth, he couldn't speak. A clothe?

 

If this was a nightmare, he really would like to wake up now. 

 

_ Kishou. Kishou. Where are you? _ His body hurt, his head hurt. He could still smell the strange perfume in the air... Where had he smelt it before? Ah everything was so confusing... He just wanted to wake up, but the pain... the pain was unbearable. 

 

_ Kishou, wake me up. Wake me up with a kiss, a gentle good morning, anything. _

 

His mouth felt so dry, the cloth in it was making it hard to even breathe.

 

_ It’s like I’m slowly suffocating.... _

 

He tried to listen to his surroundings for some semblance of an idea for where he was, but everything was so silent. 

 

_ No...wait. Someone's there.  _

 

Haise shivered as he heard the footsteps echo closer. He tried to curl in on himself in defence of anything, but his wrists seemed to be tied to the wall behind him. He pulled and tugged at them, panic rushing through him as he realized he had no way to protect himself.

 

Something was still making his body weak though...

 

_ " _ Well,  _ she _ should be awake by now..."

 

The door opened. Haise heard the footsteps, they were clear now. For a moment, he feared that it may have been Matsuri...but the voice didn’t match. He didn’t recognize it. 

 

A cold hand tilted his chin up and a chill went down his spine. He hadn’t noticed they were so close already…. Haise wanted to yell, to beg them to stop before they did anything. 

But he couldn't, and his body was trembling. 

 

Even if he wasn’t constrained, he still felt woozy from the perfume…it was as if they were pumping it into wherever they were.

 

He just wished he could wake up soon. This was too much already.

 

_ I’m scared... _

 

"Don't be afraid, my dear" Haise heard the voice of the man who he assumed was the one holding his chin, "My my... you really are a pretty one, it's a shame I can't see those eyes, I bet they'd be lovely. I can’t take any risks though." 

 

The way the man spoke sent shivers through Haise's body. Really, he was almost glad that he couldn't see this man. 

 

He felt light headed still, and the whole room, was he in a room? He couldn't tell, but it was surely filled with the perfume from before. It kept his body at ease somehow, helped him keep his mind distant. But he was still nervous, afraid, anxious. Where was he? Who was this man? What did he want? He felt the fabric roughly removed from his mouth after a moment, and the man tilted his chin up further, thumb brushing against his lower lip. 

 

"So soft, and full. Surely you take good care of yourself" He spoke again, Haise was struggling to focus on his voice, though he can't say he would want to hear whatever the man was rambling about. 

 

Haise almost made a noise when he felt two fingers pass his lips and press at his tongue. Almost, he almost gagged, but this perfume in the air helped him dull his senses.. If not for it relaxing his body, he would have been a shaking mess with nerves on fire, flinching and moving away at every touch, but he was able to remain still, relatively calm. 

 

If he let his mind go, he could let it all pass right? He could only semi-feel the fingers intruding his mouth, which tasted awful. He surely knew that much. It was like he was testing him, or just being horribly twisted. 

 

The man had removed his digits shortly after, and Haise felt he could almost breathe again. 

 

Currently, he was sat on the floor, knees either side of him and arms bound behind him against a wall. It was cold, or at least he thought it was. 

 

"Good, good." Haise heard the man speak again, and he felt so distant. He didn’t want to listen...

"You'll make some good fun, won't you my pretty little half ghoul?" 

 

He knew…  _ Did Asano tell him? Shit, shit. _ He felt nervous again, but he couldn't do anything, his body was growing numb. 

 

"Now then…" 

 

Haise had noticed too late when he felt the hands on his shoulders, then around his back, undoing the zipper of this already dirtied dress.  _ No no no no. _ Haise was scared, the man would find out, wouldn't he? He would get mad, right? 

 

He felt one of his hands twitch slightly from his nerves. The shifting of fabric against his skin made him want to disappear.

 

“Don’t...Don’t touch me…” it was hard to even speak.

_ Kishou, I'm scared.  _ Faintly, Haise could hear amused laughter, fabric ripping, and hands on his skin. His skin? He didn't realize the dress had already been taken off. But... he heard the rip. When did it happen...? He felt so confused. 

 

"What do we have here?" There was another tug, and a rip. Vaguely, he could feel a touch as cold as death against his bare chest. 

"Don’t worry my dear, I've figured out your little secret already." There was another laugh, and Haise let out a small cry.

 

***

 

Arima was drowning in files. He was trying to find some lead of any kind. He was looking into each unsolved case of the past few months. He should find something really. Nobody could be truly invisible. 

 

It was hard to focus, he was still very tired, fighting the urge to just lay down and sleep...to think about how good Haise's arms would feel around him. 

 

He found nothing so far though. He hadn’t done much either though, he really was slow. As if he couldn't even understand Japanese anymore...it was so strange.

 

His superiors tried to send him for a mission but, he told them he wasn't here for work. He was here to find Haise, so he wouldn't accept missions of any kind. 

 

Arima wasn't really the type to take vacations, so it surprised them. 

But he was also their best agent, so they didn’t push him too much at the moment. Though, they still left new assignments on his desk for him to understand he was still...  _ No, I'm not. I'm not their dog. _ _ _

 

"Aaaah..." he sighed as he closed the files of a fourth case. He was starting to get desperate. He was so slow, there were so many unsolved cases... "Don't give up, Kishou. You just got started."

 

Really, he wanted to go with Akira to collect data on the field but... he knew he was too much of a mess currently. He wasn't even sure he could handle a quinque properly. 

 

He probably wouldn’t endanger himself but... what if he killed a ghoul with potential knowledge about Haise? Ghouls liked to provoke, Arima was well-aware of that. Usually he could control himself but here...  _ Haise. _

 

He stretched and rubbed the back of his head.  _ I need coffee. Haise's coffee.  _ Arima let out a heavy sigh, running his fingers through his hair as he stretched in his chair. He was so tired, so emotionally drained by all of this. But, he couldn't give up, he'd kick his own ass if he even thought about giving up again. 

 

He could use some of Haise's coffee right about now, though...the thought just made him feel sad again.  _ Please Haise, come home...you can teach me how to make coffee, and pastries, and laugh at how clumsy I am... _  Arima leant back in his seat, closing his eyes for a few moments.  _ Don't give up, but don't overwork yourself either. Haise needs you, so you have to be strong and there for him. _ He raised a hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. 

 

"I need to work faster...can't exactly take forever on this or...." He cut himself off, biting on his lip for a moment. 

 

Arima let out another sigh, slumping into his chair and keeping his eyes closed. He needed to relax for a moment, and he really needed a coffee. A pastry from Haise would also be nice...

 

***

 

"Arima-san!" He heard Haise's cheery voice coming from the kitchen, followed by the gentle clinking of dishes, and the quiet pat of the boys socked feet as he walked back into the room.

 

"Arima-san I made you some coffee, and cut you a little slice of the strawberry pie I baked..." Haise sounded a bit nervous about it. 

"I-I've never made it before so I hope it's alright," he set the tray down on the coffee table in front of Arima, and a small smile spread over Arimas lips. 

"I'm sure it'll be amazing, you know I love anything you make." 

 

Arima sat forwards, smiling still as he picked up the fork, carefully cutting a small chunk off the corner of the piece. He was careful not to drop it, or make a crumb, as he popped the small bite of pie into his mouth. After a moment of chewing, and swallowing, Arima glanced at Haise, who was patiently awaiting his lover’s opinion. He motioned him forwards, and Haise moved as he was asked, shuffling towards Arima curiously. 

 

"C'mere" he gently tugged on his sleeve, pulling Haise down gently to press a kiss to his cheek "It's delicious, I love it Haise." A small laugh escaped him as well, watching as the boys face grew red.

 

He gave his cheek another kiss, before going back and finishing his piece. It was amazing, and honestly he could probably eat that whole pie in one go. Haise just smiled brightly, relieved that it was alright. 

 

"I'm so glad!" He let out a happy sigh as he sat himself on the couch next to Arima, leaning back. 

"Arima-san, you should make me a list, of all the sweets and pastries or baked goods you want to try. And I'll learn how to bake them all!" Haise giggled some and leant his head on Arima's shoulder as he watched him sip on his coffee. 

 

"I don't know Haise, there would be an awful lot on that list, do you think you could handle it all?" 

 

A small, playful grin formed on the man's lips and he sipped more on his coffee. Haise always made the best coffee too, nothing could compare. Just drinking it made him smile. 

He heard a laugh from Haise, followed by a light nudge to his arm. 

 

"Who exactly do you think I am, hm? I can make anything you ask, that's a promise!" 

 

He wrapped his arms around Arima’s shoulders, nuzzling his cheek with a smile. It made Arima so happy, it really did. He set his empty mug down after a few more moments and snaked his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him closer. 

 

"I see then, I'll start working on that list right away. I can't wait to try it all" He almost purred, pressing a soft kiss to Haise's lips, who happily returned it, moving to sit on his lap.  

 

"I'll become the best baker out there, you'll see."  

 

***

 

He was brought from his happy little dream when he heard a tapping on his desk.

 

"Hey, sleepyhead, these files aren't going sort themselves. Stop napping and start working, you want to hurry don't you?" 

 

It was Hirako, of course, trying to keep him on track. Honestly, he hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep, he was just trying to relax...

 

"I'm up, I'm up." He eventually managed, sitting up in his chair and letting out a yawn. 

"I'll start working on them again, but... could you bring me a coffee? Maybe that'll keep me awake" he rubbed at his forehead, adjusting his glasses and looking back at all the case files.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter everyone, hope you all enjoy <3


End file.
